Post # 1
It’s been so hard during these months of wedding planning because my mom has been giving me so much unwanted stress. This is supposed to be an exciting new chapter in my life and all she could think about is how I am “leaving her” and how I’m going to “forget” about her. And it doesnt help that I’m an only child, and that my father recently passed away, so all she keeps thinking about is how everyone is leaving her.
She is also “feeling sorry for me” because the FI’s parents aren’t contributing anything to our wedding and she has this bad impression of them that they are not welcoming me into their family. She doesnt like how I’m the only one coming up with ideas, finding vendors, etc and says it looks like I’m the one that’s throwing a party for his family while they just sit back and not worry about a thing. I never thought of it that way, I’m not here to throw a party for his family! but the more she brings it up, the more it looks that way, and sometimes I find myself thinking hard about it. I want to bring it up to my Fiance but dont want to hurt his feelings either.
Has anyone gone through something like this? I usually just lurk on here but just needed to vent somewhere. I dont really know who to talk to and it’s killing me inside. I cant talk to my close girlfriends either because I dont want them to think of FI’s family that way.
Post # 3
Weddings can put a lot of stress on people. First of all, I would talk to your mom about how it makes you feel when she says you’re “leaving her”. Remind her that your getting married doesn’t make you any less her daughter. And that you will love her and her a part of her life forever. She may not know how it’s affecting you when she says that.
As far as your FI’s family. Try to think really hard about whether you actually want them to be more involved in the planning, or if you are just getting upset because your mom is putting the idea in your head. If you DO want them to get involved, then speak up. Talk to your Fiance about it and have him approach his family. I don’t think it’s OK to outright ask for a financial contribution, but you can definitely ask for help with planning. Sometimes the family of the groom thinks that the bride wants them to stay out of it. You never know, they may be dying to help but that just don’t want to step on your toes.
Post # 4
Sorry you’re going through all this stress! First of all, engagement and wedding planning is rarely a 100% happy, exciting experience – all families have their flaws and most brides do face stress and challenges and complications – just look at many of the posts on the Bee! So don’t feel like you’re the only one for whom the joy of getting married is tinged with negative feelings and family difficulties.
I think your mom’s feelings are valid and you should try to be there for her as much as you can, showing her that even when you’re married, you’re going to remain a presence in her life. But also encourage her to pick up hobbies, spend time with friends (or meet friends), and develop relationships with other family members so that she doesn’t depend on you for all of her emotional needs.
As for her comments on your Future In-Laws…you’re not throwing them a party – you and your future husband are jointly throwing a party for both of your families and friends. In theory, your guests are people who mean a lot to you and Fiance, right? I think this perspective of “you’re throwing them a party and they’re not doing anything” is a bit strange. Guests usually aren’t expected to help plan parties they’re invited to! Traditionally, the groom’s family neither plans the wedding nor pays for it. Based on your post, I don’t think that your FILS are doing anything wrong.
Post # 6
Thanks ladies. Your responses help a lot. 🙂
Post # 7
Im sorry your going through this. I would just talk to her and make sure you listen and just let her know you are not going to dissapear from her life. You are her daughter and you love her. Also make it clear that you arent throwing a party for his family you are throwing a celebration for everyone that is involved in your big day!! Im sorry again I know it can be hard when parents are like this.. Weddings are emotional times and are major stressers for planning, money family, etc. It will get better 🙂
Post # 8
@GirlWithARing: Yay! I do so agree with this line “I think this perspective of “you’re throwing them a party and they’re not doing anything” is a bit strange. Guests usually aren’t expected to help plan parties they’re invited to!”
You are throwing a party to celebrate two families coming together and your love for each other. ie You and your Fiance helping to join your mother and his family together. So your mother isn’t loosing you, she’s gaining a whole new family!
Do you currently live with your mother? So it’s really your moving out which makes it feel like you are leaving her? Could she get a dog/cat/other pet? It sometimes helps people who have lost family to heal and fill that hole.
Post # 9
@organizedbride11: Yes, thank you! I see this as more of a celebration Fiance and I are throwing together to thank our families and the important people in our lives for being there for us and to share this special day with them.
I guess I just cant help but be affected by how she’s feeling. Again, I think this is all because the loss of my dad has heavily affected us. I’ve emphasized that I’m not going to “leave” her and I’ll always be there for her but after a while, she brings it up again. Example, when I say “Wow, 6 more months to go!” She’ll reply with “You seem so excited to leave me.” 🙁
@Everdeen: I do currently live with my mother, so once I go off and marry, she’ll be living alone. She’s not really into animals, so no pets (I grew up wanting a dog and couldnt have one!). I’ve tried to get her into hobbies but she says she has no time. Even my aunts invite her to go out and travel, but she doesnt want to. Again, ever since my dad passed away, she’s just not used to doing things by herself. 🙁
Post # 10
@Happy Donut: All I can say is to hang in there. It sounds like she is still grieving and getting used to the idea of doing things by herself. It will just take time. She will eventually get used to it and start to do things/go out etc.
Perhaps get her talking about her wedding if it isn’t too painful? Surely she remembers how exciting it is?