(Closed) Dealing with Mom’s feelings :(

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

Weddings can put a lot of stress on people.  First of all, I would talk to your mom about how it makes you feel when she says you’re “leaving her”.  Remind her that your  getting married doesn’t make you any less her daughter.  And that you will love her and her a part of her life forever.  She may not know how it’s affecting you when she says that.

As far as your FI’s family.  Try to think really hard about whether you actually want them to be more involved in the planning, or if you are just getting upset because your mom is putting the idea in your head.  If you DO want them to get involved, then speak up.  Talk to your Fiance about it and have him approach his family.  I don’t think it’s OK to outright ask for a financial contribution, but you can definitely ask for help with planning.  Sometimes the family of the groom thinks that the bride wants them to stay out of it.  You never know, they may be dying to help but that just don’t want to step on your toes.

Post # 4
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry you’re going through all this stress! First of all, engagement and wedding planning is rarely a 100% happy, exciting experience – all families have their flaws and most brides do face stress and challenges and complications – just look at many of the posts on the Bee! So don’t feel like you’re the only one for whom the joy of getting married is tinged with negative feelings and family difficulties.

I think your mom’s feelings are valid and you should try to be there for her as much as you can, showing her that even when you’re married, you’re going to remain a presence in her life. But also encourage her to pick up hobbies, spend time with friends (or meet friends), and develop relationships with other family members so that she doesn’t depend on you for all of her emotional needs.

As for her comments on your Future In-Laws…you’re not throwing them a party – you and your future husband are jointly throwing a party for both of your families and friends. In theory, your guests are people who mean a lot to you and Fiance, right? I think this perspective of “you’re throwing them a party and they’re not doing anything” is a bit strange. Guests usually aren’t expected to help plan parties they’re invited to! Traditionally, the groom’s family neither plans the wedding nor pays for it. Based on your post, I don’t think that your FILS are doing anything wrong.

Post # 7
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Im sorry your going through this. I would just talk to her and make sure you listen and just let her know you are not going to dissapear from her life. You are her daughter and you love her. Also make it clear that you arent throwing a party for his family you are throwing a celebration for everyone that is involved in your big day!! Im sorry again I know it can be hard when parents are like this.. Weddings are emotional times and are major stressers for planning, money family, etc. It will get better ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 8
Member
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@GirlWithARing: Yay! I do so agree with this line “I think this perspective of “you’re throwing them a party and they’re not doing anything” is a bit strange. Guests usually aren’t expected to help plan parties they’re invited to!” 

You are throwing a party to celebrate two families coming together and your love for each other. ie You and your Fiance helping to join your mother and his family together. So your mother isn’t loosing you, she’s gaining a whole new family! 

Do you currently live with your mother? So it’s really your moving out which makes it feel like you are leaving her? Could she get a dog/cat/other pet? It sometimes helps people who have lost family to heal and fill that hole. 

Post # 10
Member
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Happy Donut: All I can say is to hang in there. It sounds like she is still grieving and getting used to the idea of doing things by herself. It will just take time. She will eventually get used to it and start to do things/go out etc.

Perhaps get her talking about her wedding if it isn’t too painful? Surely she remembers how exciting it is?

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