(Closed) Dealing with my FMIL

posted 13 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Based on my own shower and others I have been to, I thought you were supposed to invite all the women invited to the wedding.  As in, the cousin’s wife, or the female cousin, but not cousin’s girlfriend, or anyone’s plus 1.  This is how it has been for every shower I have been to, planned, or had myself.  At my shower, my FI’s cousin’s gf was not invited.  But when they got engaged and I was married, I was invited to her shower.  Does this make sense?  I think you invite everyone local, and then its their decision to come or to give a gift.  If they aren’t important enough to go to the shower, they shouldn’t be directly invited to the wedding, in my opinion.  Parents always want to invite everyone they know to the wedding.  If your parents are going over their budget to accomodate her friends, she should be contributing.  I don’t think she should complain about her friends having to buy a gift at all.  Unfortunately for you, this is an argument that you will have to decide whether it is important or not.  If anything, your Fiance should explain to her the wedding budget thing.  If she doesn’t want them invited to the shower, you have to do what she wants, though I dont agree with her.  All my parents and his parents’ friends were invited.  I assume your Fiance knows them?  I mean, the showers are technically for both of you anyway. 

Post # 18
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Not sure if you’ve resolved this already or not, but it seems like you could gently communicate your point (that you’re not comfortable with people who you hardly know being at your wedding) by telling her that you don’t want to invite her friends in order to get gifts. Rather, you could insist that you’d like to meet these family friends before the wedding. Suggest that if they’re important enough to her that she’d like to invite them, they must be wonderful women, and you’d like to get to know them a bit before the big day, especially as they’ll (presumably) be a part of your life from now on.

I think saying it that way makes it look less like you’re criticizing her guest list and more like you’re interested in meeting the people who are important in her life. If she’s self aware and considerate, that might make her re-examine who she’s inviting to your wedding and why. You can even tell her to circulate that gifts are not anticipated at the shower (though I’d be sure to make sure all invitees got that message, if you’re serious – you don’t want her guests to feel badly for not bringing something if everyone else does. 

Good luck! I’m marrying into a nutty mother-in-law, too, but I’m lucky enough that she hasnt’ tried to exert control on the wedding thus far. 

Post # 19
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Oh, and in regards to the posters who’ve said that the shower should only be close friends and family that you already know, I’ve always had a different experience. I believe that wedding showers originated in the idea that married women would gather together in order to shower the new bride to be with wisdom that will help her to have a happy marriage. Under this setup, as I understand, almost any women who knew the bride/groom would be welcome to join. Of course now, with parties having changed the way they have, the structure is very different, and someone has to choose who to invite. 

Even still, all of the showers that I’ve ever been to have served the dual purpose of wishing the bride well on her new journey while giving her a chance to both celebrate with close friends and family and meet and get to know the family and friends of the groom (who will soon become her family, too). 

Just my extra $.02! 🙂

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