Post # 1
So a quick synopsis of the issue:
– been together for 4 years, living together for 3 of these years
– I used to consider fiance’s home my second home (meaning that I have always been close and familiar to his family, friendly with mom, spend time with them not just on holidays, etc. etc)
– his mother has even bought a basinett (…for when we have kids…creepy, yes)
– mom decides that now we’re getting married she’s not sure what to think
– both of us from single parents: his mom (Emerg Nurse $$) my mom (waitress -$) – my mom is basically footing most of the bill so far
– no offers from fiance’s mother to help (who has in the past 3 weeks put a new deck on house, bought a new fridge, gotten a 600$ barbeque…basically spends lots of money on self) besides a $100 that she thinks “should put a dent in the wedding budget”
– I could give you lots of other crazy details about how she doesnt want my future father in law to attend, or that she’s really hung up about missing another wedding she has been invited to (for her son’s ex-girlfriend of over 6 years ago who lives across the country)
Now this is not a traditional family in that she is chalking it up to the bride’s family to pay for the wedding. My fiance, as well as my mom and myself have basically been able to accumulate a large part of the wedding budget and we are feeling financially set for the wedding which is in August. Before, I was figuring whatever– I dont care if she doesnt give us a cent, that’s fine. Now that I’ve had this crazy-huge bridal shower I’ve realized that she has no problem attending such events and even alluding to the fact that she’s been a big part of them–which she hasnt.
How should I approach this? I’m not willing to scrounge up all the money for this wedding without any (financial or emotional) support at all from her and then let her have people thinking that it was all her doing (when she’s in fact just been busy buying her own items). My fiance is totally mortified by the situation and how his family has been handling this. He wants to cut ties with his mother while I’m trying to mediate (to keep doors open in the future for a relationship) but its useless and I’m getting tired of making efforts but at the same time want to keep things neutral at least.
How should I approach this?
Post # 3
Trust your Fiance since he knows his mother best. If he feels she is toxic and not worth maintaining a relationship with then that might be for the best. He always has the option to re-open that door if he feels she deserves it. You have enough to deal with in the situation without adding the Future Mother-In-Law drama.
Plus if you keep pushing to keep that door open your Fiance might grow to resent you. This happened to me once in a past relationship and it was a good if not tramatic lesson for me to learn.
Post # 4
Honestly, my advice it to leave it alone. She isn’t obligated to pay for anything (neither is anyone else including your mom) so I don’t quite understand why your Fiance is mortified by the situation and willing to cut ties with her. I know it sucks that she is trying to take credit for things, but I really think you shouldn’t worry about it. It sounds to me like something else must be going on (or went on) between your Fiance and his mother for him to want to completely cut his losses with her. I hope it works out for you and that things get better!
Post # 5
I agree with shay. Unless something bigger is going on, I don’t see quite what the big deal is. Sure I can see being annoyed by this stuff. But to cut ties?….
She’s not required to give money, even if your mom is giving money with a lower paying job. I have no idea about your family’s finances. But maybe your mom is giving too much, more than she can afford.
I don’t know what’s going on with the other wedding. But if she was looking forward to going (maybe she was chummy with the ex gf’s parnets?) I could see being bummed that she can’t go. It doesn’t mean she’s not excited about her own son’s wedding. But it kind of sucks when you’re looking forward to multiple events, and they happen on the same day, and have to choose.
Sure she has crazy ideas of not wanting her ex to attend. That’s not uncommon. But these situations with divorced parents causes them to go off the deep end sometimes for weddings. Just be the beacon of reason.
Good luck. But if she has typically shown kindness and you’ve had a nice relationship, I’d just ride this one out, and not do anything drastic.
Post # 6
Just to clarify some things/add some details & context…..I didnt mean to come off as a selfish brat..
Cutting ties: not because of the lack of financial contribution, more about how she has responded to the engagement and how rather than being excited about it, whenever we hear from friends and family, apparently its the first thing she has to say about the wedding –that it’s on the same day as this other wedding. Also, the comments that she has said to him like “she’s not sure how to take it” about us getting married has been quite disheartening for him. And when he asked her if she was unhappy with the decision of me being “the one” she just kept avoiding the question.
The other wedding: no, not close friends with the family members of this other wedding at all, has not talked to them in years and according to FI’s siblings they have never been that close. Most of them are still scratching their heads as to why she would have been put on a guest list in the first place.
As for me trying to mediate: more because as much as he’s getting pissed off enough to cut her out of his life, the love they have is unconditional and the love that we have (even though she’s being ridiculous IMO) is not unconditional or perhaps thats how I view it anyway. I dont want her to loath her future daughter in law, who up until this point she has always bragged about and liked (from what I hear). I just mean that I’m tired of trying to defend this woman who has decided that I’m all the sudden the spawn of satan.
My mom hasn’t contributed more than she can afford, she has just kept a small sum of savings for me over the years for such an event. The wedding we are planning is going to be well under 10,000 and not a huge ordeal. So thats why it is offensive that she’s spending away and planning cruises, buying $500 barbeques (when she doesnt cook) and re-doing the deck in her backyard while at the same time demanding guests to be added to the guest list and bragging about her involvement. I dont really care whether or not we get any contribution from her, I know that she doesnt have to give us anything nor do I expect her to. I am just not okay with her bragging and alluding to the idea of her being a big contributor.
Im just trying not to be a bridezilla and trying to ride out the wave. Why do weddings bring out the crazy in people? I feel like I’m going crazy too!
Post # 7
There’s surely a middle ground between cutting ties and letting her have control over the wedding that she’s not paying for. However, it may take some serious boundary-setting now, which may mean taking a breather from talking/interacting with her very much for awhile. Not in a permanent way, just because it’s clearly stressing everyone out.