Post # 1
Ok, I realize now that I’ve always had some degree of anxiety. But joining a family of 4 SIL’s + Mother-In-Law has made me super anxious and overly analytical of everything.
It starts by the way they do things. It’s like the opposite of how I was raised. They don’t notify, explain, or consider others-they just live. When I expected RSVPS’s they scoffed like “pshh, we don’t do that!” My family, if you were to visit us, would embrace you and make sure you felt comfortable while at their house. My inlaws threw “us” an engagement party for us and I sat alone where everyone could see until someone had pity and sat by me.
My Mother-In-Law doesn’t speak english, and looks down on me for not speaking her language. Even though she’s lived here for 40 years. Whatever.
Today I dropped of his daughter at his moms and honestly didn’t feel like being fake nice so I dropped her off, waved, and took off. Now my Darling Husband says I was so rude.
I guess it wasn’t the sweetest way, but them and I clearly have different ideas of “rude”. Or inconsiderate rather. Just a vent. Thoughts welcomed.
Post # 3
@Leemarie: My Future In-Laws are similar, in that I definitely was not brought up like them! It’s taken some getting used to. Like you, I’m accustomed to being overly welcoming and friendly to people. They aren’t like that. I thought I was the only one who had a certain level of legitimate anxiety about this! I really can’t emotionally or mentally handle being alone with them without my SO!
Post # 4
I understand where you’re coming from and can see why you feel the way you do, but anxiety is not something someone does to you, it’s your reaction to outside stimuli. I think it’s counterproductive to blame others for causing you anxiety. Instead, realize the triggers and learn coping mechanisms to deal with it. Having anxiety is no fun (I have it I know) but learning to manage it is super important and makes all the difference in the world.
Post # 5
Also – blending two families is no easy feat. My parents and my ILs are polar opposites. I’m not on great terms with my ILs right now, but in general, I’ve learned to live with certain characteristics of theirs.
You don’t have to be best friends with your ILs, it has no bearing on the success or longevity of your marriage. I do believe it’s easier if everyone gets along, but believe me, it’s not a requirement. Civility is enough.
You are well within your rights to keep your distance from them and your husband should be ok with that. I really don’t like that he called you rude for what happened. If your efforts to build and maintain a relationship have not been reciprocated, you cut your losses and change strategy. He needs to get on board and give you a break.
Post # 6
Sounds like we’re in a similar situtation- I am also looked down upon for not speaking the IL’s native language and all my attempts to get to know them better, bring them gifts, try to speak their language, etc. have all met with nothing- just the same wall they’ve put up over the past 7 years :/
What helped was talking to my SO and developing a game plan for handling their less-than-friendly behavior. We decided to just keep putting out the most effort we can, no matter how it is received by them, so at least they can’t fault us in the long run for not trying our best to have a good relationship with them.
Definitely get on the same page with your Darling Husband about how to handle “that side” of the family. It will ease your stress considerably if you know what is expected of you and feel like your Darling Husband is backing you up!
Post # 7
@MrsWBS: Yes I realize anxiety is a condition that existed in me all along. I guess I worded it wrong. My anxiety has just been aggravated by trying to understand their ways but still trying to like/be liked by them.
I’m on Zoloft now, so..here’s hoping I handle them better now.
Post # 8
The only problematic behaviour I see here is your husband calling you rude. Everything else is just down to style differences. But he should have your back, or at least give you the benefit of the doubt.