(Closed) Dealing with negative family – Advice Please (v.long post)

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3185 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

tiredbee99:  I’d move out now if I could if I were you. You don’t deserve that crap. Your sister is an adult. You are enabling her to be a brat. This is a toxic relationship. Since you had your culktural marriage I would just ask Fiance if I could move in. Your mental health should not be compromised for someone else’s happiness.

Post # 4
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

tiredbee99:  Where do your parents live, and can you ship your sister there? Lol. 

Post # 5
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your sister sounds unbalanced, to say the least. Love from a distance is exactly the right advice. If you continue to enmesh your life with hers, you will just be adding drama. But I’ve noticed that some people enjoy drama and thrive on it. If you’re this kind of person, the advice is pointless. If you’re not, then you will take appropriate steps to remove yourself.

Post # 7
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

Wow, that is a lot. But I bet it felt good to type it out and get it off your chest. Like pp said, this is a toxic relationship. It’s one-sided and your sister sounds like she needs some serious mental help. A serious red flag is that she is lying about being raped. 

I understand that because of your cultural background, you feel that you have to stick around and be there for your sister. But honestly, if you really love your Fi and want to build a happy, succesful marriage with him, you need to step away from your sister. Yes, she will be angry. Yes, she will talk about you like a dog. But you need to do what is best for YOU and for the family you are trying to build.  

If I were you, I would start looking for an alternate living arrangement. And in an attempt to not leave your sister high and dry, give it 6 months. Basically say that you will be moving out in 6 months. This way she has time to plan on paying rent, bills, etc on her own or find alternative housing herself. If she asks you why, don’t argue with her. Just say that you feel that it is time for you two to go your separate ways and start your own lives outside of eachother. She has a baby coming and she needs her space and you need your space to start your new life with your new husband. 

Like I said above, she is going to whine, she is going to talk about you as if you are satan himself. You have to ignore it and move on. Those who know you and know the situation will know she’s full of sh!t. And if they don’t, well maybe you don’t need to maintain a relationship with them either. And I’m not saying you never have to talk to her again. You can be cordial with her. Just don’t let her steal your joy and impede on the life you are trying to build. 

Post # 9
Member
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Get the hell outta dodge… Sister or not, she is bonkers. You are an adult and DO NOT need to be putting up with her behavior.

Post # 10
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m kind of hung up on the detail that you think your sister is lying about being raped.

Post # 11
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

tiredbee99:  She’s bitter and angry because she hosed herself.  She tried to manipulate the situation with her ex by getting pregnant and it blew up in her face.  She’s not going to admit this.  You can’t save her from this.  You are not responsible for this.

I think as a married couple, you really need to move out on your own.  She’s going to be a mother and needs to sort out her own stuff before the baby arrives.  If you feel guilty about moving while she’s pregnant, and your budget allows, you could always offer to help with necessities for a few months (food, stocking diapers, whatever).  She’s going to continue to lash out until she finally comes to peace with her own decisions and that may take awhile.  It may be well after the baby arrives.  You can’t deal with this negativity that long.  

I would also give her a timeline as someone else suggested.  I wouldn’t move out next week, but I’d tell her you are looking for a place and plan to be gone in x months.  I’d also tell her, in no uncertain terms, that the way she is conducting her life and the negativity she is throwing your way are the reasons for doing this.  SHe’s not going to change by hearing that, but maybe she needs some tough love here.. compassion… because I’m guessing she feels like the biggest idiot on the planet for this backfiring on her… but tough love.

Post # 12
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Speck_:  I find that insanely manipulative to the point of crazy.  It’s not the first time I’ve heard of someone doing it for attention, sadly, but it’s still insanity.

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