(Closed) Dealing with Porn….VENT.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

AWE, OP! First off I just want to say how sorry I am that all of this has led you to feel insecure. I really feel for you because as a woman you want to be able to please and satisfy your man but do to a medical condition interactions in that area of your relationship are limited. This is a difficult situation because I am completely against him tipping girls on porn sites or even watching live webcam porn. I would consider it cheating and it would not be acceptable in my relationship. The dishonesty on his part is also completely unacceptable and as you can see has already affected your trust. I suggest you have a firm and frank conversation with your SO and let him know this is not acceptable. I would also talk about your sex life and see if there is a way you can compromise. There are other ways you can be intimate that doesn’t include penetration. 

I just want you to know that you ARE good enough for him and please don’t feel insecure are you have a legitimate medical condition beyond your control.

Hugs to you OP!

Post # 4
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

It’s good that you brought it up and you’re compromising by agreeing not to snoop.  My issue is that he has broken the trust here and you should be able to snoop at least a little until he proves to be trustworthy again.  Just my opinion.

Also, if you are having trouble having sex, have you considered more oral sex?

 

Post # 5
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Hmm…this sounds tough, and I feel really sorry for both of you. I know it must be terrible to have vaginismus, and it’s probably also terrible for him to have sexual needs that aren’t being fulfilled by his partner.

I do think in these cases, forcing him to stop is just going to mean he’ll work harder to hide it.  I would anyway. heh.  Maybe you should try the opposite—tell him you don’t mind at all, but you’d prefer for him to stick to the free stuff, but if he’s going to be spending money that you should be there watching, helping him, and having fun, too!

Involving yourself might make it fun for both of you.

Post # 6
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Miss_Bee_Sting:  I feel for you, this would upset me greatly as well. From what you have written, I do not think that your Fiance is a bad guy at all and I would lay off him. He says that you’re beautiful and would love to have sex with you–that’s good stuff! So I think that you need to focus on taking care of yourself and fixing the things that you can control so that you are able to participate in intimacy again.  

Your two main problems are the vaginismus and the weight gain. What kind of care have you gotten for yourself on these things? 

I have had vulvodynia before and I know how incredibly painful these conditions are. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I suffered for a long time, and eventually the problem was cured and I was able to have sex without any problems. It can happen for you too. I wish you the very best of luck as I have been in your shoes, but I also know that it can and will get better!  

 

Post # 7
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@mimi123: Can I ask how your vulvodynia was cured?

Post # 8
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

How about performing other sex acts in the bedroom to keep him happy (and get some reciprocation for yourself!). I would get old-school and spice up the sex life with BJs, HJs and maybe even manual stimulation for him watching – I’m sure he’d rather watch you than those random girls. Sorry if this is graphic 🙂 If this doesn’t bring a change in him and you catch him looking at porn again, then you can get serious about counselling maybe or leaving, if it’s a dealbreaker.

Post # 9
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

@Miss_Bee_Sting:  are you working with a doctor to cure or fix your sexual issues? I completely understand why these webcams would make you angry- especially if he’s tipping! That said, if you’re not offering anything in this part of your relationship, he’s going to seek it out. Sex is a big part of a relationship and I would hope you are working on your issue. Not just for him, but for yourself. Take care and I hope you guys can work this out. 

Post # 10
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

To me, personally, the big issue here is the broken trust between you two on both parts.

 

I don’t think porn is that much of a bad thing. The boy’s got his needs and I’ve got mine. Sometimes it’s difficult to satisfy your needs (especially if your needs are out of the ordinary) with your other half, so porn can fill that gap perfectly. Maybe these girls are willing to do stuff that he feels like he can’t ask you to do? Can you try to get him to pretend that you’re one of the girls and see if that satisfies his needs? He’ll know that you’re feeling uncomfortable in your skin & are stressed out, so maybe he doesn’t want to bring more pressure onto you by pressuring you into sex when you clearly can’t/don’t want to do it? 

You’ll need to work on your self-confidence a bit in order to get over this. In the end, unless he’s an especially unconventionally man, he’s not going to care that much about your weight gain. In the end, whilst you’re having sex, he’s not the one thinking about your flabby bits, in his mind he’s going “yeyyyyy I’m having sex”. And this is coming from someone who’s gained a fair bit of weight since getting together with my Fiance. Luckily for me, we can talk about anything, and I KNOW his reasons for looking at porn, and I KNOW how he feels about me & my body.

What confuses me is that he knew you were snooping around on your computer.. So how come he did it again? Did he maybe think that you might find it again, in a subconscious level trying to find a solution to whatever it is he’s missing? He probably wasn’t thinking he was hurting your feelings by doing this; he probably wasn’t thinking at all. Despite your argument, are you sure he knows exactly how much he’s hurting you? 

You’ll also need to work on your Sherlock Holmes habits.. Sometimes not knowing doesn’t hurt as much as knowing.. Even though you have stopped now, you know that this has gone on in the past, and it must be eating away at you, knowing he could still be doing it. Which will possibly end in more snooping, and breaking the trust even more on his side.

A relationship can’t work without trust, and once it’s broken, it’s difficult to get back. He needs to know that you’re not snooping, but you can’t be without snooping until you know he’s no longer hurting you. So it starts from his habits. Either you get over it, or he does. See my first point above; is it something that’s missing? If you give him that missing bit, can he stop? If not, tell him how much it hurts you. Can he stop then? If not, then I’d give him a big slap on the face and walk away. You can’t be with someone who consciously hurts you…

 

That’s my two cents!

Post # 11
Member
2270 posts
Buzzing bee

I have given up on trying to stop my spouse from watching porn, but I would FLIP if he watched live webcam videos. That is crossing the line for sure. Plus, I would also flip if he paid money for porn. There is SO much free porn on the internet. There is no reason to pay money. If he did both those things, we would have a huge problem. I would agree to not snopp, but would snoop anyway. i don’t care if it’s “wrong”. If there is nothing to hide, then it isn’t a problem. It would be nice to just trust everything the SO says, but sometimes, you gotta double check to make sure you’re not being had.

Post # 12
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@mamadingdong:  +1. More info is needed, but sex is an important part of the relationship and it’s not okay to expect him to be okay with a sexless relationship (just like it wouldn’t be okay for him to expect you to be okay with a relationship with no emotional affection/intimacy). If penetration isn’t possible for you, don’t let that be an excuse, there are so many other ways both of you can have a fulfilling sex life.

Post # 14
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

@Miss_Bee_Sting:  

“Men need sex to feel emotionally connected to the woman in their lives.”

But, having sex is not the only way to be sexually intimate.

Have you tried other things that won’t hurt you as much?

Do you think you could enjoy watching some porn WITH him to help get you BOTH in the mood TOGETHER?

Have you ever tried playing an intimate game like Lust?

Have you ever danced for him to get you both in the mood?

Have you tried “reading” the Kama Sutra together? Some positions mentioned might hurt less than others for you.

I hope these ideas help because a lack of sex or intimacy in a relationship can lead to much more serious issues.

Best of luck,

 

Skylifer

Post # 15
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

@Miss_Bee_Sting:  

One more thing…

Your guy is trying to fulfill an unfulfilled need by visiting the sites you’ve mentioned. It could be worse…he could be hitting up the strip clubs and actually touching other women…OR, he could be meeting up with prostitutes to fulfill that need. Currently, your guy is fulfilling his unfulfilled need in a rather careful way, so as not to hurt you or your relationship (believe it or not). He seems to be trying his best not to hurt you while still fulfilling a physical need. Try to help him out by trying some or all of the suggestions I’ve listed in my previous comment before things get worse. If you need more ideas, PM me 😉

 

Best of luck,

 

Skylifer

Post # 16
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Canal St Inn

@Miss_Bee_Sting:  Oh honey, don’t blame yourself! It’s not that you were doing or not doing something, not at all. You were hurt that he went elsewhere, and he was hurt because he felt he coudn’t come to you for this out of fear of physical pain to you because of your condition. The both of you made mistakes in this situation, but you did it because you love each other. The important thing is you both recognize the issue and are working to make it better, and that’s awesome.

One thing I also wanted to touch on, don’t ever feel like you owe it to him, or that you need to suck it up and do the deed no matter how much pain you’re in. Sex involves the joy and passion of two people, and I’m sure your Fiance wouldn’t want you to purposefully hurt yourself for his enjoyment alone. It’s not up to you to make him 100% happy in the bedroom, it’s a process you work on together. And so far, it looks like you’re doing great. 🙂

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