Dealing with relapsing fiancé and erratic behavior

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9388 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would leave. It sounds harsh, I actually think it sounds terrible and know it would be really hard but this is his struggle and you can’t save him and if he’s not going to get help you can’t let him bring you down with him. And I don’t think giving ultimatums for drug addiction is effective because it has to be something he wants for himself.

So I would walk away.

Post # 3
Member
1143 posts
Bumble bee

I would handle it by kicking him out  and ending the relationship . You can’t love a drug addict back to wellness.

They need to want to get better.

Addiction is a disease and he’s acting irrationally. It’s very sad but not your cross to bear. I have loved an addict. I learned life is too short to waste on them because they NEVER put you first.

 

Do you want to sign up for a lifetime of a paranoid husband who suspects you of lying constantly? Because this is only the beginning.  His behavior will get more and more erratic. When he can’t afford his habit anymore he will steal  from you and everyone else he has access to. It’s downhill from here. Rapidly, sometimes violently downhill.

I’m sorry about your grandma.

If you can’t see yourself without this man, please seek therapy and also a narcotics anonymous group. 

Post # 4
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

One of very rare times i wll say this. Ultimatum. He either gets help or you walk.

Post # 5
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2022

lportellnj :  Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to encourage him to get help or simply leave. Unfortunately, you can’t cure an addict with your love, bee. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 6
Member
1127 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

As a former addict, leave. You can’t make him well and evidently he hasn’t dealt with his issues enough to stay sober. 

Post # 7
Member
10282 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

lportellnj :  

End it, Bee.  For your safety and sanity.  He is in the grip of a powerful addiction.  This is not simply an ‘issue’ that can be resolved through discussion.

The PP who predicted he will steal from you is right.  Opioid addicts frequently “graduate” to heroin, it’s cheaper.

There is no future here, Bee.  Just go.  Get some support via nar anon, a 12 step program for the families of addicts.  You cannot save him.

Post # 8
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

When someone gets accusatory like that, it’s often because they have a guilty conscience themselves.  He wants you to be doing something bad so he can feel more justified in whatever he’s doing.  Follow your instincts.  If something feels off, it usually is.

Post # 9
Member
9637 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Do not sign up for this for life. Addicts will just lie and steal and do anything to keep up their habit. Seriously just call it off and break up.

Post # 10
Member
752 posts
Busy bee

You will always be second place to the addiction and it’s taking its toll on you. Bow out now. I’m sorry about your grandma though. 

Post # 11
Member
8661 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

lportellnj :  I’m sorry to say this, but if you choose to be with an addict, you are choosing to live with the cloud of relapse and erratic behavior over your head. I have many addicts in my family, including my mom who is the sweetest most loving and kind person in the world when she’s sober. But when she’s using, she is mean, she lies, and she has actually stolen from her own grandkids. Addicts accuse others in order to deflect and distract from their own behavior, and to give themselves excuses. “Well if you didn’t do this, I wouldn’t have to do that!” How do you handle it? You leave. You can’t change him and you can’t control his behavior or his choices. You can only control your own choices. Do you choose to live like this, or do you choose to move on?

Post # 12
Member
4889 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You can’t force someone to get help. I would leave. Dh went through addiction. He worked at it. Diligently. It was still very very hard but he wanted the change. Your fiancé is not there. He may never be. Draw the line. He gets help or you’re out. 

Post # 13
Member
5770 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

You are not in a relationship with him at this point. You are in a relationship with his drug of choice (or convenience). They’re not good partnership material. I think all of this sounds like a non negotiable deal breaker. He isn’t equipped to be in a relationship right now and you aren’t equipped to help him through this. Especially if he isn’t actively in recovery.

Post # 14
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

As someone in recovery, may I offer this:  as long as your fiance is putting drugs or drink ahead of you, you will be in a relationship with drugs/drinks.  Be there for him as a friend, but make no plans to marry.  Most professionals agree to have one year of sobriety under your belt before getting married, and I agree.  You can’t “love him out of this” or anything of the sort.  It is up to him and he needs to see that life will get better when he is thinking clearly.  Look at it this way:  You deserve a lot more than someone committing you while in a haze.

Post # 15
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Give him an ultimatum: He gets help, or you walk. And end it sooner, rather than later. Don’t drag things out. If you are the most important thing to him, he will do everything in his power not to lose you, and he will do it immediately. If not, then, as other bees have already said, that shows you where you stand: second place or maybe even lower. Do not marry a man who puts you second. 

The two-year anniversary of the day I broke up with my ex just passed about a week ago. He was a great guy in many ways, but one of the main things that ended up tearing us apart was his addiction to Adderall and prescription amphetamines. I kept a journal during much of that relationship, and since two years have passed, I thought I’d go back and read it the other day. It was honestly one of the most depressing things I’ve ever read. 3+ years of entries complaining about all the increasingly desperate things he did, and almost every other entry I would say something like, “Should I leave?” or “Can I live the rest of my life this way?” or “If he won’t get help, I have to leave.” I thought he needed me for help and support, but honestly, someone like this is beyond anything that you could do for them. As others have said, you cannot love him out of this situation. God knows, I tried. 

It had almost started fading from my memory, but reading that journal immediately brought back how much mental anguish and anxiety I was in during those years. I was having panic attacks all the time. A situation like that is very mentally unhealthy for anyone involved. I wasted years of my life like this. 

Do not give your fiance endless chances like I did. He gets ONE. If he doesn’t take it, then walk. If he chooses the addiction over you, things will not get better. I’m so sorry that you are in this difficult situation. 

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