Post # 1
I’m involved in a few different weddings, including my own, that have various difficulties because of expectations versus reality. To a fault, my own expectations of things or people are often high because the standards I put on myself are high. Other’s expectations from me are high because I am organized, an over achiever, and do not like doing things less than the best of my ability. I consider myself to be a generous person but at times I feel like I should be less giving. Most people these days have a hard time saying no, including myself. We seem to put other people’s happiness and convenience over our own. Maybe it’s because we love them and we just want to keep pleasing them, or because we’re afraid to disappoint them. Even though your gut tells you it doesn’t feel right and sometimes to the point you’re being taken advantage of, you still let yourself get pushed around. The moment we let people have what they want against our better judgement, we know instantly it’s plain wrong. I always have a hard time asserting myself. I almost always said yes to my boss who had given me extra work while remaining underpaid, or to my boyfriends who had prioritized their needs over my own. I thought keeping people happy was part of being a ‘good person’. Sometimes, even when those people wouldn’t reciprocate, I thought giving was the right thing to do. Some of those people who’s needs I chose to put before my own simply made it a habit to keep taking without giving back. First I had to recognize what my own needs were. Second, I had to recognize which people have the tendency to take and not give back. Third, I had to recognize the difference between being diplomatic and being a selfish B. The change shouldn’t mean that every time I do others a favour, I have to get something in return. Not at all.
Some of my post is taken from an article I read today that I’m applying to my own life. Lately I am exhausted of what is asked of me, the pressures of high expectations I put on myself and investing in people who are takers. How about you? Do you think of yourself of a ‘yes’ person? Do you think there are people right now in your wedding experience, whether your the bride or family, who tend to take advantage of you? How have you delt with them so far?
Post # 2
saschasoulrebel: no — I developed healthy boundaries and give what I’m comfortable giving and stop things right there when people try to take.
If they have a problem with my position or approach, they can move along or we can hash it out to get aligned. I’m happy moving along though if someone isn’t respectful of boundaries.
Post # 3
Growing up I was always in the habit of giving all I had, and never taking in return and people used to take advantage very often of my nature.
In the last 10 years I have become more aware of my habits, in the last 5 I have been learning to expect beter for myself and to expect mutual reciprocation from relationships. I no longer have any qualms walking away from friendships that are unhealthy or uneven. Especially when the friend/person is so selfish that they dont think their abuse of my kindness is a bad thing when I try to discuss it with them like adults.
Im proud of how far Ive come and look forward to working hard to continue to improve my life and the quality of people I surround myself with. Im also proud to still be a generous person with those who deserve it from me as I didnt have to become “hard” to be happy.
Post # 4
When I was younger, I used to devote most of my time trying to keep those around me happy. I’d give them the shirt off my back, buy them food, give them rides, ect. In the end, when I needed help with things, really large things that only required them to be there for me, nobody was ever around.
I no longer invest time into those I feel just aren’t worth it, and it took me many years to get to the point to where I could tell people no. There will always be people who are looking to take advantage of others, you just need to figure out who your true friends are and weed out all the false friends.
Post # 5
I used to collect needy people like stamps. All it led to was being bled dry emotionally and feeling drained all the time. I was often chosen for abuse and bullying because I was so meek and sweet. My weak boundaries led to people taking advantage of me and then stabbing me in the back because they were using me for their own gain.
Now my boundaries are very strong. I do not feel the need to save others from their problems all the time instead of focusing on my own problems. I walk away from any kind of unhealthy familial or platonic relationships and I stand up for myself more. Those who could mistreat me in the past hate the person I am now but IDGAF.
I also notice that I no longer feel the need to choose “friends” who are constantly needy. We all need a shoulder to cry on and that’s fine but I don’t want any more friendships that are defined by me always helping. I am still giving but only to those who are appreciative and understand that relationships are reciprocal. I also no longer share information that can be used to hurt me later.
Post # 6
I learned to be a giver from my parents growing up. I was taught the right thing to do was to give to others more than myself, and I think even the bible tends to teach that too (I went to catholic schools where bible studies were manditory). What I didn’t learn till my own personal experiences is that there is such a thing as giving too much. There are people who latch onto those who give like leeches, and won’t let go until you exercise your power to say no. Then they drop off you and latch onto their next ‘giver’ host. The worst is when these takers are family members. I have a hard time when it comes to blood. I have this ‘clan’ mentality that you should help family above all others, but I know I’m not alone since there are situations where families deal with addictions or abuse and simply can’t walk away from a bad situation. Now that I’m becoming more aware of these toxic takers, I’m better equipping myself to learn to be comfortable with the word ‘NO’.