(Closed) Dealing with the “you MUST have this…”

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@jackndiane: Smile and say “I appreciate the suggestion. However we are nearing our budget max so would you be willing to pay for this for us?”

Dangle money in front of her and she may back off hehehe

Post # 4
Member
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.

Smile and sweetly say, “while that’s truely lovely, it’s just not something we can afford” 

If she feels you really need it, this offeres her the chance to pony up and pay for it. If she doesn’t you have politely turned her down. 

The fact of the matter is you pay the cost to be the boss and if she is not contributing, she does not have final say.

 

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.

How and why you and your family set your budget is not her business. And just to be clear I only suggest you say the first part, not the “pay the cost to be the boss” part! 🙂 That would surely create some drama! But every time she says something you can think that in your head and feel less bad about not doing what she says.

It may also help if you have something you are saving for and can say “the wedding is one day..Fiance and I are really trying to save for XYZ” if she keeps pushing!

Post # 7
Member
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with everyone else who says that you should politely suggest she pay for it. Just plan ahead how you would word it. Something like: “Oh, charger plates would be so lovely for the reception! However, I know we don’t have any more to spend, so they aren’t within our budget. It’s too bad we can’t afford them.” This way, you’re not directly asking for her to foot the bill, but you’re opening up the opportunity if it is something she would be willing to pay for.

Good luck. I think everyone deals with too many opinions from family members in one way or another when wedding planning – know that you are in good company here (unfortunately!)

Post # 8
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

I’d like to know about what things she thinks you MUST have.

I hate when other people think they have the right to decide how I spend my money.

Post # 10
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@ItWasntMe: dido!

 

@jackndiane: this is a tough quesiton. I dealt with this too. Darling Husband and I have money but we were not going to spend all of our savings on a big wedding. When people told us that we had to have something I told them that we are having a simple, intimate wedding. That was always my answer. People think they know what is best for your wedding and they are probably just trying to help. However, it is rude and unneccesary. They just dont realize it. Sorry you have to deal with this 🙁

Post # 11
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@jackndiane: sounds like something similar to my situation.  Future In-Laws don’t have the money to contribute to our wedding, which is fine by us, but then Future Mother-In-Law has told us we need to have stuff.  Also they have like half the guest list, and that is after FH had a screaming match with her and it was cut.  FH was the one to basically tell her “no” to all the stuff she was telling us, maybe your FH needs to have a chat with her?

After the umpteenth comment about how Future Mother-In-Law “cut her guest list in half” I told her she can invite whoever she wants if she pays for her guests…..it shut her up.

Post # 12
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think your FH needs to tell her that anything she thinks you “must have” must be paid for–by her.  Her guest list also needs to be cut so as not to put a strain on your family.  Those people mean something to her, not you and your FH, and definitely not to the people footing the bill.  Even if she knows your family has money, it’s not her place to decide how it gets spent.

Post # 14
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@jackndiane:  Personally, I don’t think anyone not close to the happy couple shoud be invited. Some other people see a wedding as something to be shared with everyone they’ve ever met.  I think it’s ridiculous that your Future Mother-In-Law wants to invite 26 people you couldn’t even pick out of a lineup.  She’s doing this because someone else is paying for it, I guarantee.  If she had to pay out of her own pocket, those people would become much less important to have at the wedding.

Post # 15
Member
1621 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

While I agree with all the posts above, I also think it’s not as much about telling her to pay for these “must haves” she wants…..it’s more about what you and your partner want for YOUR wedding day.  For example, if she wants chargers but you don’t (for whatever esthetic or bugetary reasons), it’s not really a solution even if she does pay.  Simply, the answer is, you and your partner don’t want chargers. Likewise with her invite list…..if 26 is more than you want or can afford, then very respectfully but clearly tell her she can invite X people and that’s it.

I can totally relate to how tricky it is to avoid confrontation and potential conflict with family, especially when you are trying to hard to make your relationship with her better.  It won’t be easy to deal with these issues with her….but honesty, respect and speaking from your heart is your best bet.

All the best with this difficult situation!!!

 

Post # 16
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@jackndiane: It’s hard to say – it depends on a lot of factors.  My parents initially wanted about 15-20 work friends…but…my dad was life long Coast Guard, so these are people who have been a part of their/our lives for a long time – from the Academy to moves to various locales.  They are family friends, not just work friends.

That said, I did still ask them to cut back, because my mom’s initial list was 125 for our 125 person wedding.  She insisted not all would come.  I was stressed in case they did come (and it still left no space for me to invite anyone, even if only 50% rsvp’d yes).  I asked her to cut the list or make an A & B list, and that we could send out announcements, but in any event, 125 was too many.  She ended up with 8 friends.  I knew all 8 very well, and was happy to invite them.

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