(Closed) dealing with unsolicited advice/negative comments

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Hmm…if it were me, I’d say exactly what you said, “Thanks for going straight to the negative.”  Something like that, really blunt and to the point, yeah, that makes people think twice. 

 *Edit*  Just read the hormonal part and it made me giggle.  My theory is, you’re pregnant, you are ALLOWED to be hormonal πŸ™‚  And as for letting things roll off my back, knowing me, I won’t.  I’ll probably get seriously irritated and come to the Bee to vent πŸ™‚ lol 

Good luck and congrats by the way πŸ™‚

Post # 4
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

My advice is to delete anyone who makes those comments, or reply back to them about not appreciating their negative perspective on such a momentous experience in your life.

Post # 5
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I have two kids (7 and 4) and I want another, so I can totally sympathize with you. I remember those comments all toooo well.  Along with comments about “eating for two”, getting plenty of rest, etc etc.  When it was my family, I usually just snapped at them or ignored them.  If it helps, it’s usually better after the first because no one feels “obligated” to give you advice.  Especially when you can look at a stranger and say “it’s my second, I know ALL about it!”  (the looks on their faces are typically priceless as they stumble around trying to get their foot out of their mouths!!!)  If you’ve been around other babies (siblings, nieces, nephews, babysat, whatever, you can say the same thing and it’ll usually shut people up FAST.  (at least, it did with me).

For the most part, I just ignored them figuring they were just trying to rain on my parade, so to speak.  I was also told to read this book, that book, the other book.  (which i DID NOT do! LOL!)

On the outside, I merely smiled politely and nodded (worked at Wal-Mart while pregnant with my first child) and on the inside called them every name I could think of and then some. 

People are ALWAYS going to find a way to try to make you feel horrible, angry, or upset.  If it’s your friends doing it and not teasing you, i’d question the friendship!!!  (or, better yet, tell them exactly where they can get off at and how!)

best bet, just ignore it because if you DO snap at them, they’ll probably say “oh, it’s just your hormones”.  (one OTHER thing I heard frequently and wanted to ring necks for.)

just remember that sure, they’ll be long nights with cranky baby, but it’s not going to last forever and you’re gonna be so thrilled to have that little one in your arms as much as possible!

and, of course, you can reply with the old standby of: yeah, but i’ll have help, so it won’t be a big deal! 

 

congrats!!!! and enjoy all the shopping, decorating, and fun that goes with being pregnant and having a little one!  (and totally ignore the naysayers!)

Post # 6
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Ergh.

I’d be bothered by the “enjoying pregnancy” comment, too.

Agree that asking directly why someone goes immediately to the negative might be a good idea.  It’s worth remembering, though, that sometimes people say things on FB or similar that, if we heard them in person and saw the accompanying smile or shurg or good natured grin, wouldn’t bug us.

Post # 8
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

Well… as far as facebook is concerned – I stayed away from all pregancy comments on it.  It’s just opening the door for rude people πŸ™‚

Make those comments in emails or face to face with friends – not all 500 people you knew at some point on facebook.  (Trust me this is hard – there where many many many times I wanted to post random status messages and forced myself to refrain!)

Also – parenting is something that is SOOO different for everyone.  I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut about ‘my plans’.  Some people co-sleep, some people breastfeed, some people don’t, some people schedule a c-section, some people believe in ‘cry it out’… blah blah blah.  I find avoiding the conversations altogether helps avoid all the comments I don’t want to hear.  If people ask directly – of course I’ll talk about my plans for the baby, but I tend to do more listening in ‘mom conversations’. Unless it’s my close friends πŸ™‚

As far as random folks in public or people at work…  I just smile and nod and move along πŸ™‚

Post # 9
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

I mostly smile and nod.  I think as a parent, you have to get used to unsolicited advice.  I know it’s lame advice (from me), but you can’t control other people…just your reaction…and you know you will get this a lot, so I’d just learn to let it roll off your back as much as possible.  I especially wouldn’t take to heart things you hear 2nd hand or on FB, as they are easy to take more negatively than intended.

For some reason, people who are otherwise tactful feel at total liberty to touch your belly w/o permission and basically tell you you are ruining LO’s life if you do XYZ….it’s bizarre, but I think just knowing that all of us go through it hopefully helps!  It’s like the bump == no limits in other people, when in fact they should be MORE sensitive and encouraging!  Just have confidence in you and your hub’s decisions, and at most I might say something like “I’m sorry to hear you feel that way about my decision, or my Dr and I have decided…”   Usually I don’t say anything back, though…maybe just vent to Darling Husband or say something snarky to the computer screen then move on, hehe.

Post # 10
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

LOL. STFU Parents are full of those negative comments. I bet it does get annoying! Hope it gets better.

Post # 11
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

For the straight to negative comments, I have a couple back-handed insults ready (feel free to use):

  1. “Wow, I hope I enjoy parenting more than you do!” 
  2. “I hope my kid makes all that worth it…didn’t/doesn’t yours?”

For the “not enjoying being pregnant enough” I have no answer, since it wasn’t said directly to you. Why would your friend bring that up?  If your SIL does mention it, you could tell her that you blame the lack of perceived enthusiasm on hormones…the baby doesn’t want you expending unnecessary energy since it/he/she already KNOWS how happy you are to be having it/him/her. 

Yeah, I’ve always disagreed with the “Sticks & Stones…” adage.

Post # 12
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

^^^ I was just going to say something along the lines of ms.pascua.  When I tell people what a good baby Ceci is, they always say “wait until she’s a teenager!”  This bugs me to no end because I want to just enjoy this time.  I usually end up saying something along the lines of “Actually, I can’t wait… and remember that the rebellion is totally developmentally normal for teens”. 

If they still persist, I smile and say, “Maybe you’re right, but I plan to enjoy every stage.  They grow up so fast.”

I want to get in the face of all those people who said I wouldn’t get any sleep and tell them how wrong they were, but I’m too afraid to jinx myself!

Post # 13
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I am SO tired of everyone telling me “sleep now!” .  Its as if they think I can store sleep and that the only thing that is coming is sleep depravation.  I get it, I am going to be more tired than I have ever been before.  But is that advice really helpful?  Even better is when strangers comment on your behavior – I had an 80 year old women chastise me in a grocery store for drinking an iced coffee (it was decaf although I do have regular coffee  once a day every few days) and an older man yell at me for crossing a street against the light (side street, literally not a car in sight).

Yeah and on FB I had a few aunts who every time I would post something fun non-baby related thing we were doing, they would be like “enjoy your freedom now!”.  really? a baby is going to make it harder for us to go on vacations?  wow, I never thought of that before.  Grrr…..mostly I don’t say anything but I left one comment reply that “Yeah I knew that” and that particular aunt stopped πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I haven’t gotten comments yet, but I know I will. I’m almost 12 weeks, so I haven’t officially announced yet.

When it comes to comments in the office, I have a strategy. There are some ladies in here that like to gossip and make comments on everything. So, a few weeks ago, my Groomsmen told everyone that we couldn’t talk about personal stuff in the office and no gossiping. When it’s time to announce, I will probably tell them and say “As the rule of no personal chatter in the office applies, this comes under that banner. That includes questions, etc. If it’s not about work, then not one word.” Of course I would say it nicer than that, but it’s absolutely necessary. At first I was going to let them think I got super fat, but then how would I explain my absence? If I actually liked these women, it would be completely different, but I don’t so I am okay with saying no questions/gossiping/etc.

Post # 15
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It sounds to me like they are taking a crack at being humorous… swing and a miss on that!  Your SIL is clearly rude for saying that.  First off, who is to judge how happy you are?  Or to what degree a pregnant woman should be happy?  But the other, FB comments seem to me like they meant no harm.  They just have no concept of what is funny and what is super annoying.  Hopefully you don’t have too many more run ins wtih that kinda comment.  I am usually really sensitive to stuff like that, for the most part I manage to just smile and feign friendliness, but sometimes that’s so difficult to do! 

Post # 16
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

People seem to feel they can just say whatever crap comes to mind when someone is pregnant/a new mom. It drives me nuts too! I don’t mind the comments so much as all the unsolicited orders on how I should handle my pregnancy/parent.

I’d start deleting any rude/negative comments on FB… maybe the poster will get the hint, And if they inquire where their comment went, I’d probably be brutally honest with them!

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