(Closed) dealing with unstable mother who is ill

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
3303 posts
Sugar bee

You can not repair your relationship with your mother, unfortunately. Accept her for who she is, place limits and boundaries on your relationship and keep your distance. She is not going to change- even in her dying hour. Love her from afar and be near only when you absolutely must.

Post # 5
1227 posts
Bumble bee

First, do you know for sure she has cancer? (I only ask because she seems very unstable and dramatic. She wouldn’t be the first person to fake having a terminal illness)


Second, how much longer do you think she has?

Post # 6
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.  My mom has terminal cancer, too.  That situation, alone, is rough to be in… so I cant even imagine with your other circumstances. 

I would agree with the PP, accept her for who she is, place limits and boundaries on your relationship and keep your distance.

Do what you can to be with her, love her, and help her – but if she starts pushing your limits, you need to distance yourself.   

Post # 8
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

You can’t fix her and you shouldn’t  be in a relationship with someone so toxic.  It doesn’t matter that she’s your mother you should have a higher standard for all people.  Don’t feel guilty because your sister chooses to have a codependent relationship with your mom.  You’re not doing anyone any favors by enabling her behavior because you feel sorry for your sister.  Your sister is willingly choosing to have a relationship with your mom because she gets some kind of payoff out of the sick relationship.  You have to choose to have healthy boundaries and expect respect from people no matter who they are or the role that they’re supposed to fill in your life.  I’m sorry that you don’t have a mother who you can feel loves and closeness from and trying to snuggle up to barbed wire and wishing it was a soft quilt does not make it quilt.  It makes you deep in denial and full of cuts.

Post # 9
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@armychica06:  +1

That’s really the most sound advice anyone can give you.  It’s tough to deal with difficult family members.  The way I see it, you have two choices – acceptance or change.  You either accept her as she is, in all her madness.  Or you make a change, specifically, end the relationship.  There is no in between, there is no “fixing” her.  As lovely as it would be to salvage your relationship prior to her passing, it’s a pipe dream.

You have to do what’s best for you.  If this is indeed her last Christmas and you feel compelled to spend it with her, you and your Fiance can go separate ways just this once.  Or you can spend the day, and go along with your Fiance to wherever else you have to go.  It’s about what’s best for you, not what’s best for your Mom, not what’s best for your Fiance.  Make the choice for you.

Best of luck to you.

Post # 10
1224 posts
Bumble bee

@armychica06:  +1 This sounds exactly like my mother, who was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago. She quit going to therapy because she didn’t think it helped (even though she’d only been going for around a month). I can totally understand where you’re coming from- she’s great when she’s not on a fit, but when she is her entire perception is screwed up. You’re the worst person in the world, nobody loves her, she should kill herself and be done with it, etc etc. It’s hard, but there is nothing you can do unless she’s willing to help herself, and obviously she’s not. All you can do is distance yourself from her. My brother thinks I’m selfish because when I move out I don’t want anything to do with her- but then she’s always chosen him over me. She allowed him to live in the house even when their arguments and fights started affecting me, even though he was thirty years old, but she was so absorbed in her own little world she couldn’t see how her decision to keep enabling her son strained my relationship with her and her relationship with my father. Her pill addiction didn’t exactly help either.

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is you can’t let other people’s opinions of you come before your own mental well-being. She isn’t good for you, so you need to be content with not letting her into your life.

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