Post # 1
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
I know there is nothing I can do. I’m not the type to cause problems, but my feelings have been hurt.
Fiance and I were together for a year and a half before we got engaged last year. Our wedding will be this July. FI’s brother got engaged right after us to his girlfriend of 6 months and they scheduled their wedding right before ours (even though we already set our date, we had been together much longer, and Fiance is the older brother). I let this go seeing as how every wedding is special and that this wouldn’t take away from our day. Fiance asked his brother to be his best man, FI’s brother only asked Fiance to be a groomsman.
I recently find out that FI’s brother’s fiance has been bad mouthing my wedding to anyone and everyone who will listen. They all live in the same city as where Fiance is from, which is across the country. I really haven’t said much about my wedding to FI’s brother’s fiance knowing that they are paying for their own wedding and my parents and paying for an all out formal bash. I find out from FI’s mother this past weekend that FI’s brother’s fiance has been complaing for months about how beautiful my wedding will be and how hers will suck, how she is so glad theirs is first because they wouldn’t want to follow ours, etc etc etc
This makes me really sad. This coupled with the fact that the fiance asked FI’s OTHER brother’s girlfriend to be a bridesmaid (they don’t really even know each other or like each other from what I have heard) and didn’t ask me to do anything in the wedding, even if its just ask guests to sign the guest book. I was planning on asking her to do a reading, but now I’m thinking I shouldn’t.
I hate being that person complaining about feeling hurt, but my feelings are hurt. We are flying out for their wedding very soon and I’m going to be as nice and not say anything, but this does hurt my feelings. I’ve been nothing but extremely nice to her and I even bought her a $300 shower present because I felt so bad they had to pay for their own wedding and were going into debt to do so. I know that buying gifts doesn’t count for anything, but it was my way of just doing something nice for them.
Post # 3
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
I’d say just let it go. Obviously they are jealous and they recognize that yours will be the better wedding. Don’t talk about yours unless they ask you about what you’re doing and just leave the subject alone. You might mention to your Fiance what his brother is saying and let him deal with his family.
Post # 4
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
You have every right to feel hurt and I would feel the same as you; in fact I did before my wedding but over other circumstances. I WILL NEVER understand family and friends bashing on a loved ones wedding, never. Maybe she does feel insecure about her wedding but you should never lash out your insecurities at someone else only to hurt them. For myself I come with the new found attitude awhile ago and saying, I will do all I can to never say something about someone behind their back that I wont say to their face. I think people forget it is so hurtful and that words can never be taken back and they sometimes linger longer than any action ever could. Just try to enjoy yourself at the wedding and chalk it up to her probably being insecure.
Post # 5
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
The situation sucks, and I’m not sure why your Mother-In-Law would tell you your future sister in law is bad mouthing your wedding. I don’t think she’s bad mouthing it.. more like she’s a little jealous of your formal affair. I would let it go and go out of your way to really enjoy their wedding and gush about their details. Sometimes being the bigger person is the only way to go- she’s feeling insecure continue to extend an olive branch.
Post # 6
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
Another thing about this that bothers me is that I would never have known about it if FI’s mother hadn’t told me. She does a lot of comparing between the two of us. While it seems like I come out on top when she speaks to me, I don’t like these comparisons of future daughter in laws being done. Fiance and I live so far away and we see them so rarely (FI spends every holiday with my family and its by his choice even though I offer that we should fly back to spend at least one with them each year), that I really just want to try my best to get along with everyone back there.
I’m not into drama and the fact that I haven’t even seen this girl in close to a year, when she and her now Fiance had been together for about 3 months, I just really don’t think its fair. I also think this is all stemming from FMIL’s previous visit where I took her through all of our wedding plans, she saw the locations in person, and reported home how “beautiful” it will be. I’m sorry that FSIL/FBIL have to foot the bill for their own wedding, but if that was us, we wouldn’t go into debt for it. I feel very grateful that my parents want to pay the bill for mine, but that isn’t something I could have had any influence over. Just like FSIL’s paren’s can’t afford to pay for hers – that is no fault of her own.
I think I really just need to get this out and talk about it with uninvolved people. I’ve discussed it a bit with my mother, but thats it. I don’t want to cause problems with the family. Fiance is so over hearing about how they are acting and their wedding. He is so disappointed in how little recognition our wedding is getting, how little help his brother was in helping to plan his bachelor party, and how little communication there was in even telling us their wedding plans so that we could plan our other activities around them.
Post # 7
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
Do you think maybe you Future Mother-In-Law pits your Future Sister-In-Law against you a little? The whole situation is a little odd- perhaps your fiance should tell his mother to stop stirring the pot.
Post # 8
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
@Maureen9004 – I definitely do. My mom who is Miss Manners noticed how Future Mother-In-Law would make comparisons and found it to be completely inappropriate too. I also think, if she is saying these things about Future Sister-In-Law, what is she saying about me when she is home and we are in another time zone. I hadn’t really been bothered by it until I heard some of the commentary, which tied together with some emails I had received from Future Sister-In-Law following FMIL’s previous visit.
I’m disappointed. Me being the smaller person wants me to push Future Sister-In-Law out of any possible involvement in my own wedding, but since she will be family, I really think I should ask her to do something, regardless of if she asks me to do anything in her own wedding.
I have had problems with ettiquette issues with Future Mother-In-Law that I have posted about before, so this putting us against each other actually seems pretty in line with other things.
Post # 9
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
Have you talked to your Fi about this? This is his brother, so he needs to know how his brother’s action are effecting you. Your Fiance obviously loves you, and his brother as well. You need to tell him Fiance how hurt you are by this – your Fiance should realize (or you can suggest to him) that he needs to talk with his brother about how his actions (and perhaps the other family members too) are affecting you.
Your feelings are totally valid here – your Fiance should help comfort you. He’s going to be your life partner, and needs to stand up for you.
Post # 10
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
I have spoken to my Fiance about it. He is also hurt by their actions. He has spoken to their mother about it, but that really doesn’t seem to change anything. I think since we are so far away, our wedding isn’t as important as theirs in their eyes. In terms of the comparisons between Future Sister-In-Law and I, Fiance and I have discussed how I feel his mother isn’t always the most tactful or well mannered (to put it nicely) and he gets offended when I say this. He and I have very different backgrounds and while he is wonderful. his family is a bit different from mine. I don’t think that even if he (or I) were to bring up these ettiqette issues with his mother she would even understand. Frankly, when it comes to wedding ettiquette, Fiance doesn’t even understand a lot of it because he is a guy and also because he grew up very differently than I did.
In terms of Fiance comforting me over FSIL’s comments, he does, but he is also just so disappointed by their actions that its hard for him to comfort me when he has actually been hurt just as bad, if not worse. Future Brother-In-Law was his best friend in the world and when he started dating Future Sister-In-Law he completely changed. She tells him to jump and he asks how high and no one else matters anymore. I hope this changes after they get married and Future Brother-In-Law and Fiance can become closer again, but we’ll see.
Post # 11
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
I feel so bad for you. But my suggestion is to take the high road. Its hard having weddings close my Fi’s brother did the same to him on his first marriage with the date. 3 months before. And his son decided to get married a month after us. But no one is being bitter or jelouse. We are helping each other our colors are even similar — It makes me feel young comparing notes with my FDI. Smile, keep your head up and just ignore her digs. And congratulations on your wedding.
Post # 12
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
I agree with Maureen that your Future Mother-In-Law is out of line even telling you all of this. As I was reading your post, I kept wondering why on earth would she want to hurt you by telling you things that would obviously bother you. Maybe it’s your Future Mother-In-Law that is feeling guilty of the fact that YOUR parents are paying for your wedding and THEY aren’t helping the other brother to pay for a nicer wedding? It sounds like she is the one criticizing you, not the brother’s fiance. You mentioned that you don’t see your inlaws very often? Maybe this is her way of punishing you.
Post # 13
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
@FutureMomInLaw: I think you might be right. As I have mentioned, Fiance and I grew up under vastly different conditions. FI’s parents did a wonderful job raising their children, but they struggled and continue to do so. Future Mother-In-Law has come out to visit twice since we were last out to visit them about 11 months ago, but I haven’t actually seen anyone else in almost a year. As I said, Fiance prefers to stay here for holidays.
I know that when Future Mother-In-Law first found out that FSIL’s parents would not be paying for a wedding, she and Future Father-In-Law were very concerned that they were going to be asked to contribute, which they couldn’t afford to do. I don’t think this ever happened fortunately. Another thing I gathered from what Future Mother-In-Law said was that she was hurt that Future Sister-In-Law (which living in the veyr same city) rarely involved her in any wedding planning. Future Mother-In-Law did not want to make any decisions, but she doesn’t have any daughters and would have really enjoyed just hearing about the plans, maybe even going to visit certain things. Even though I have been far away, I email Future Mother-In-Law pictures of everything, including me in my dress before it went to the seamstress. I sent her proofs of our invititations and even though her opinion doesn’t really matter in terms of what decisions we make, she never offered it other than to say she was so happy to be seeing everything even if it was from afar. This reason makes me think that she just isn’t too happy with Future Sister-In-Law, but I really have no idea.
It still makes no sense to tell me things that would hurt my feelings. Even if she didn’t like me (which I don’t think is the case), but why do that? That is what I find so confusing. Nothing good comes from saying these things.
We are literally about to fly out for Future Brother-In-Law and FSIL’s wedding and I’m just trying to work through these feelings before we get there. I just want them to have the best wedding they can. Our weddings will be different in price, but the most important thing is the actual wedding vows itself. It doesn’t matter where you do that, what you are wearing or with whom in the audience… it’s all the same. I just want them to have their perfect day and I don’t want them to ever think our wedding will outshine theirs or that I want it too.
Post # 14
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
I think you should just go to the brother’s wedding, ooo and ahhh over everything, and NOT talk about your upcoming wedding to your Future Mother-In-Law until well after the other wedding is over. You already know that she tends to pit the SIL against you by comparing you, so just concentrate on developing a better relationship with your SIL. I think you should be grateful that you don’t live that close to your FI’s family so you won’t get dragged into continual family drama!
Post # 15
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
It all sounds a little strange to me…
The whole issue with your Fiance and his brother is a separate issue, but regarding your FSIL’s alleged jealousy, your Future Mother-In-Law may be the problem and not the Future Sister-In-Law (obviously coming from someone who doesn’t know either of their personalities).
Even if you take what your Future Mother-In-Law says as the truth (and she may be twisting the truth to fit her own illusions), it sounds like Future Sister-In-Law isn’t bashing your wedding but wishing hers will be as nice as yours, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
OR she is just saying things to your Future Mother-In-Law to get her to shut up about how great your wedding is going to be. If Future Mother-In-Law is always inappropriately comparing you and Future Sister-In-Law when she’s talking to you, she’s probably doing the same to Future Sister-In-Law. Imagine being Future Sister-In-Law, and being compared and always (as you say) coming out the loser. I would imagine it would make for an awkward discussion. I mean, if my Future Mother-In-Law kept saying things about how great her other son’s wedding was going to be and I knew mine would never compare due to factors beyond my control, I would probably mumble some comment (in secret sarcasm) like ‘oh, um, yeah, I guess their wedding’s going to be great, I wish mine could be just as great.’ And yeah, I sure wouldn’t go out of my way to involve her with wedding planning if she’s just going to bash what I can afford or want. The information you’re getting is second hand in this situation, and I would hesitate to completely judge her and write her off. Yeah, your first instinct is to be hurt and that’s fine, but maybe there’s more going on than what it first appears to be.
Post # 16
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
I think that you sound like a very sweet person and I think that it is perfectly fine to have your feelings hurt. I think that this girl also probably is just trying to say all of this stuff so that everyone knows she knows that your wedding will be better if you know what I’m saying. I think that it is great your parents are paying and yea it stinks that they have to pay for their wedding themselves that is just the way life is sometimes. Nobody said they had to spend themselves into the poorhouse just to put on a wedding better than yours or one to showoff to others. I think its very important to remember that a wedding is one day and while it is very important the most important thing is about the marriage and family that follows. I think that maybe a little more time for being engaged would be great to save money because once they are married all they have to show for that debt is pictures and memories that could have been just as sweet without the debt. She is obviously jealous of you and I would take this as just sad instead of feeling hurt. She probably does not ask you to do anything because in a way she might be embarrassed or something because she obviously feels her wedding will be stupid compared to yours. I think that you should talk to her if you don’t want a very tense time at her wedding and your own not to mention you will all be family after those two days are passed. I am all about being honest in a loving positive way but she needs to know that she has hurt your feelings because while you are happy your parents are paying for your wedding you in no way are acting as if yours will be better. Weddings are beautiful because of what they represent and noone should lose sight of that. I think that you should talk to your mother in law too if it makes you uncomfortable to be compared even if you come out on top or at least just make very nice comments about your future sister in law to her.
You sound like such a sweet person and so I just hope you vent and let it all out and just get back to enjoying this time planning your wedding! And if you were going to let her read then I say go ahead and ask because there is no reason for you to become silly like they are being. She may say no but it doesn’t hurt to ask 🙂 Hope it all works out!
