(Closed) Dealing with your spouse

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It depends. 

I have been married for just about 18 years now (planning a VR for our 20th anniversary and that is why I am here)…

I guess we pick and choose our battles.  Like I HATE the way he does dishes, but he gets them done, so I let it go.  He only does 1/2 the stuff I ask him to do, but the good news is, he does 1/2 the stuff I ask him to do.  So the other half doesn’t get done… Big deal.

I think we have been through so much that is really kind of amazing we are still together, and, our priorities have changed.  We have realized that as long as we have eachother, we are good.  Don’t get me wrong, we still have disagreements.  Then its silly but sometimes we will emal the next day back and forth so both points get heard without interruption. 

It works for us.

Good luck:)



Post # 5
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@KeshiaSimone: He’s not my husband yet, but we work a lot on compromise. For instance, I take my shoes off in the car and leave them there ’til later. He never rinses his dishes and food get stuck on them. So we agreed that when he finds shoes in the car he’ll put them in the house without mentioning it, and in turn I will rinse his dishes when I find them with food still on them without mentioning it.

We have a lot of conflict since we come from such different backgrounds, so another thing we have decided on is that we have to come to an agreement about when to table an argument to come back to, or keep at it for a while. I generally need time to cool off, and he likes to stick to his guns until we’re both too ticked to continue without screaming.

The agreeing on when and where to leave off or continue an argument has helped a lot with not getting too off topic, or going overboard. Or just storming off mad.

Post # 6
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@KeshiaSimone: He’s not technically my spouse yet, but we’ve been together two years so I’ll answer anyway.

With my ex I used to fight fight. I’d bring up all the things he’d done, he’d curse, I’d curse, I knew what would tear him down and I used it. He was having affairs, so at the time I felt justified, but afterward I wasn’t happy. It was dirty fighting.

So when I met my future husband I knew that I would never want to do that again. He’s such a lovable person that even though I know exactly what would hurt him I could never bring myself to say it. Anyway to your question:

How we handle “arguments”:

One of us will get annoyed/angry
One of us will move into the chair beside our bed and pretend we will sleep there.
The other person will climb into our lap (yes he sits in mine sometimes) and make
       puppy eyes. This will cause the offended person to soften.
We will then discuss our issue (without screaming/yelling/cursing).
Once the issue is resolved we will climb into bed and cuddle/bond

That is our formula. I don’t know if it will last forever, but it has for the last two years, and I hope to god it’s always like that. It provides for a peaceful life. I should probably mention Mr. Polar Bear’s parents had a nasty divorce and we are committed to sticking this out forever. He does not believe in fighting just to fight, but does believe in communication. As for me, I don’t ever want to “fight” with him. I think I am done with my dirty fighting days.  

Post # 7
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

We have been together for almost 10 yrs and used to fight a lot more. We still bicker and have the occasional spat but for me there are 2 big things: 1 Perspective and 2 (like @Ronneykay: said) Choosing one’s battles.

Perspective is realizing that we have different stressors and different ways of dealing with stress. He is like a teapot and fumes, while I get mopey and curl up in a ball (not literally though). It used to be I would freak out if he was fuming over being stressed, thinking it was the worst thing ever and that we were OVER, and that would push things into a full-blown fight. Now I just accept that he is venting and just go on about business, and he chills within minutes. For me, he used to get anxious when I would mope, but now sympathizes and says “its OK” which helps me feel better much more quickly than “What’s WRONG?!” You have to shift your thinking, which can be hard, but it does help.

Post # 9
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t think we really fight about big things anymore.

When we used to we would first get mad. I would try to talk and he would try to talk over me. We both would get louder and louder trying to talk over eachother, which would make us even more mad. I would usually sooner or later realize this and stop talking. Finally we would talk like civilized individuals and realize ways to compromize on the subject.

More recently we get mad, very rarely but once in a great while, and start out the same. He talks over me and we both get louder and louder. I stop because I realize we are yelling. Usually then I realize we are fighting over either a stupid little thing that really dosn’t matter. So I either smile at him or hug him which makes him happy again. (He can not resist the smile!)

Post # 10
363 posts
Helper bee

I agree that all couples have their issues at one point or another.  I’ve been with SO over 2 years (living together 9 months) and we never really argue.  Well, we do discuss things, and sometimes we don’t agree, and I (or he) feel frustrated, but we never take it out on each other.  We try and keep the communication flowing when that happens.  Or we take time away from each other for a couple of hours.  But thankfully, we always find our “compromise” with things we don’t agree.  For example, when we first moved in together and I would organize the dishwasher, SO would go right after me and re-organize it.  It drove me nuts!  After awhile, I (lovingly) told him that it made me feel bad/useless.  He started noticing when he did it and has stopped.  I also try and let him do that job since he really likes doing it.  We are discovering what we prefer in terms of household chores and such.  I hate doing the laundry but like cooking and doing the dishes, which works great with him because he likes doing the laundry but is very slow at doing the dishes. 

We also try to deal with every situation with an open mind (and heart). “How would *I* feel if….” kinda thing.  Not to sound cliché but I do try and treat others like I would be treated. 


@Ms. Polar Bear:

Your post reminded me of my situation.  My past relationship (6 years ago) was so much drama.  I think we both had no idea how to relate to each other and how to work a relationship.  The arguments would escalate to yelling and hurtful things would be said.  Anyway!  Like you, once that relationship was over, I told myself “never again”.  This is not the type of relationship that I want.  I worked on myself most of my late 20s.  Really discovered who I was, etc.  And I met SO a bit over two years ago.  When you said “your husband is so loveable”…I was like “yep I know exactly what you mean”.  My SO is the most loveable person I know. 

Post # 11
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

We tend to use humor to lighten the mood if we start get upset. It really works for us! After a good laugh we can then talk and resolve the issue. I think the big thing is that every couple is different and communicates in different ways! Humor works for us but I know when my parents were together I know humor would make my mother mad.

Post # 12
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

We learned alot how to talk to eachother in a better way.. more unerstanding of eachother and we do a lot of compromising if we are in disagreement!!!

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