(Closed) Dear FMIL, this is OUR wedding

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Oh your poor thing ((hugs))

Firstly your fi needs to tell her straight up  that there will be no second reception and that there will be X amount of people invited to the wedding and future mother in law can invite X amount of people NO MORE from that number she can invite whomever she likes. That you will be having X music and therefore dont need his brother to play and finally due to the past actions of the other brother he will not be a groomsman. End of Story.

Post # 6
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Garden of the Gods

Keep in mind that any monetary contributions should be considered a GIFT by both parties (you and Fiance, and the FMIL). When it all boils down, it is your day and you will be the one with regrets if it isn’t all you hoped for.

Even so, she is his mother. My family couldn’t help with the expense of our wedding, but it was still important for them  to be involved and a part of it. As such, yes it may be important for her to have a VOICE in large decision-making, but not the final vote.

Post # 7
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Garden of the Gods

Also, if they want to host a second reception for you, what is the true harm?

If it’s separate from your wedding day, you may be surprised at the help the extra gifts can provide. And it would be much less formal for you…not really added stress. Kind of like a second wedding shower. It could be a positive thing…just something to **consider**.

Keep your chin up. My Mother-In-Law and I DO get along and it was still hard for a lot of the planning to not just tear her a new one. They don’t mean to be overbearing!

Post # 9
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Garden of the Gods

Have you pointed out to her that you can’t afford the extra expense? Is it possible that she expects to host the party? If you are clear that she needs to host the party, perhaps she will be less gung-ho about it.

Also, is it possible she feels disrespected because she hasn’t been asked to chip in for the wedding? Not knowing the situation makes it hard to gauge exactly where all of the trouble is rooted, but I know that my father felt better once he made it clear exactly how much he could and could not contribute.

I wouldn’t wear my wedding attire again for another reception, no way. Maybe a nice cocktail dress, though. It’s special for one day of use. Mine is in storage until our 20th anniversary, at least! πŸ™‚ I see how you are very frustrated. Has your Fiance offered to one-on-one with her? This sounds like something he may need to set straight. After all, he knows her better than you do, and we know that FMIL/MIL’s can tend to get a bit catty with DIL’s no matter how hard we try. Best of luck!

Post # 11
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@missapis: ugh, so sorry you’ve having to deal with this! 

If she pays for the 2nd “reception”, then fine, let her.  It’ll be on HER to do everything and you’ll be the “guests of honor” and only have to show up.  Otherwise, nope, not gonna happen.  Also, I’d make it known it has to be on a weekend when you two are available…

Otherwise, just give her x-amount of invites and that’s it! If she gets cranky, let your Fiance be firm about it.  And make sure HE doesn’t give in when talking to her (I know, I know, sometimes easier said than done.  I have this problem with my Fiance and HIS mother over other stuff, so I can sympathize somewhat.). 

After all that, I’d just ignore her and send the invites to who you and your Fiance want if she doesn’t give you a set number of names. 

Oh, and I also have to say that she DOES NOT have to have a say in your day.  Especially if she isn’t paying.  The one who pays has the say, typically.  As well as the bride and groom… usually, but sometimes that doesn’t happen when the parents are paying.  Sad, but true πŸ™  Though it doesn’t sound like you have to worry about that! πŸ™‚

good luck and I hope it all works out for you!!!

Post # 12
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Sorry you are going through this. I’ll just make it clear that she can host an at home reception if that is what she wants. Just let you know when and where and you guys will be there. When my family members get all upset because my wedding is in California and say why can’t I get married in XYZ city they live in. I just say well you can certainly have a wedding in xyz city just let us know where and when and we will be there, however the real wedding will be in Sonoma. That usually shuts them up.

Post # 13
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Also to add to PP ideas,let her know as politley as you can that if she continues to invite people word of mouth or tells people what is happening where and when,then when you do send out invites,she will look silly and foolish for being wrong.(Hope this makes sense)


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