- 9 years ago
- Wedding: September 2011 - Franciscan Gardens
I’m a sucker for advice columns and pretty much read them all! This one is wedding related and I thought I’d post so that you all can read it too. What are your thoughts on the behavior of the bride and groom- would you/have you done this?
About a year ago, a couple with whom I was friends got engaged and moved away. I have known the groom for 15 years and have grown close to his fiancee, too. After they moved, they sent out informal wedding date cards. I responded by e-mail, letting them know that I would be at the wedding. "Phil" replied that he would be excited to see me. The plane ticket was a financial strain, but I got a good price. As the date came closer, I noted that I had not received a formal invitation. I called Phil, and he meekly explained that they had to trim the guest list. His bride did not want to give up any of her guests and forced him to give up some of his. I was shocked. I thought we were good friends. Furthermore, they know I am pinched for cash. I got no apology from either of them. Should I say something? Should I just drop it and assume we are not friends?
—Left Out in the Cold
Dear Left Out,
It’s clear that Phil cares even less about saving your friendship than he did about the obligation incurred when he asked you to save the date—such a notice is sent out precisely to give guests the chance to make travel arrangements. His affront is compounded by the fact that you responded to the card (which you weren’t required to do), so he knew you were making plans, expensive ones, to attend. I think you should send them a short note explaining your situation. Write that you were delighted to get the notice, and you booked nonrefundable and nontransferable airfare. Then when no invitation came, you were forced into the embarrassing position of having to call and find out you weren’t invited. They can try to salvage this friendship by sending you an invitation with an abject apology in which they say they have behaved unforgivably but hope that you will forgive them because they would be honored and relieved to have you at the wedding. Most likely, however, they will conclude that you are selfishly subjecting them to more stress. After all, when you’re planning a wedding, it’s hard to decide which friends to treat like garbage. It could be that they are in a temporary sociopathic state some couples think they are entitled to as a kind of dowry. Maybe after the big day they will revert to being decent people. But unless they try to fix this, you won’t know because your friendship is kaput. As you cool off, do take comfort that it is Phil, and not you, who is marrying someone of such contemptuous rudeness. ("Phil, I’m not disinviting anyone. You’re the one with the expendable friends.") Likely the reason their "Save the Date" card became a "Save the Dis" card is because their expenses are out of control. So the bride and groom should return the gown and the tux, and wear something more economical and appropriate: sackcloth and ashes.