(Closed) Debate: Is chatting/flirting considered cheating?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Debate: Is chatting/flirting considered cheating?
    YES : (49 votes)
    41 %
    NO : (14 votes)
    12 %
    You can look/talk but no touch : (19 votes)
    16 %
    50 / 50 : (37 votes)
    31 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    773 posts
    Busy bee

    This is a really interesting question.  I answered 50/50, which I’ll explain.  Both my husband and I have friends with whom we have flirty relationships.  By flirty I mean we talk a lot and banter and make pseudo sexual innuendo.  HOWEVER, it is clear to everyone involved– my husband, myself, and these friends– that my husband and I love each other and would never ever go beyond the acceptable boundaries we’ve established.  The reason these relationships are the way they are is because that’s how they’ve always been, and since my husband and I were friends before we were romantically involved, we’ve witnessed these friendships in action.  It also helps that the friends we "flirt" with are all in their own long-term, monogamous relationships as well.

     

    Now, if I or my husband met some new person, developed a flirtation, sent pictures online, etc… that WOULD be crossing a BIG line.   

    Post # 5
    Member
    2365 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    Here are my honest thoughts, as a woman who will be married in October.

    Yes, it is on the border of cheating. If you go this far, than more likely than not, you will go farther. I know that if I "flirted" or talked to another man in a flirtatious manner, I would feel completely awful and guilty and just would be sick with myself. 

    Also, if fiance did it, I would be really hurt and just feel really horrible about it in general … even if I knew there was nothing physical, I would still be hurt inside. 

    This situation is completely different for everyone and has been argued for all of eternity! Lol. I think everyon will have a different feeling on this, and however that certain person feels, is honestly their own answer to this question. 

    Now, fiance does have a flirty personality, like in the way he talks and acts, it’s very smooth. I wouldn’t mind if he says something "smooth" or whatever, but if he actually had a relationship where he talked to someone, like in the original post, that would really upset me. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    960 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Interesting topic. Honestly, I have a very flirty personality. I’ll flirt with almost anyone, women probably included. To be fair, though, usually I don’t know I’m doing it. I’m a nice person who likes conversation, but because I wear low cut shirts and go out to bars without my Fiance sometimes, it’s viewed as flirting. I think it’s less dangerous to flirt with random strangers who you’ll never see again than people you’ve had sexual relationships with.

    Now, I also have close guy friends who I flirt with. But like Flamingo said, I’ve known them for a long time, that’s how our relationships have always been, many are in serious relationships, and my Fiance knows them/knows how we are.

    Having an ongoing flirtatious relationship with some one, however, is a different story. Especially if it’s over text messaging or computer chatting. Sending pictures is not OK. Flirting in that manner implies that you have something to hide. Flamingo said that it’s a thin line and I totally agree with that. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    229 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

    I say yes.  Not just yes, but YES.  I don’t think it’s a secret that I have cheated on SO’s in the past — you can get that from reading between the lines of many of my posts about past relationships.  I was a huge flirt, and figured it was okay because I didn’t mean anything by it, didn’t intend anything, wasn’t serious.

    I was wrong.  Just because I didn’t mean anything didn’t mean nobody else did, and for someone who gets a high from being liked or admired or enjoyed (that would be me), it was a dangerous slippery slope.  I think that’s the critical factor – do you feel a little bit high from the exchange?  If you do, then I think it’s wrong.

    So my policy is 100% no flirting.  If I wouldn’t say something in front of a man’s wife, I don’t say it.  My loyalty is to my husband, period, and if I’m looking to feel good, I find it within the bounds of the relationships I have… or I ride my motorcycle.  

    {Note: this is all from personal experience and based on my personality and knowledge of myself, so I’m not implying that I think everyone has to handle it like I do.  I just don’t always buy the "it doesn’t mean anything" argument.  If you feel happy and bouncy and high from the exchange, it means something. 🙂 }

    Post # 8
    Member
    541 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I think it depends on the nature of the couple’s relationship and how much trust is involved. I have a lot of guy friends. I think there is just a flirty element to guy/girl friendships. It doesn’t make it wrong. As long as he/she is upfront about their romantic realtionships.

    I do keep in contact with one of my ex boyfriends (my fiance was classmates with one of them). One time he came over to our apartment while visiting in town and we hung out while my Fiance (boyfriend at the time) wasn’t home. I asked him if it was okay before and he said it was fine…really. I told one of my guy friends from work about this and he said if it were him, he would have freaked out if his girl’s ex was there.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1573 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    chatting to another guy online is  huge no-no for a married woman, thats downright cheating

     

    if you talk to peopel of the opposite sex I thinks its fine, you cant just talk to women, but online cheating…cheating, cheating cheating..the thoughts are there

    Post # 10
    Member
    155 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    yes, i vote yes, because it means your giving your emotional or even sexual attention to another person that it’s not your SO or Fiance or Boyfriend or Best Friend or whatever. It means you’re giving yourself the time to compliment someone else, instead of doing that to your partner. I’m with Mrs. Cheese on this: ‘my loyalty is to my husband’.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2641 posts
    Sugar bee

    This is a tough one.  I think it depends.  I certainly wouldn’t throw a person under the bus for chatting with someone of the opposite sex, or even if they joked a it, in a general way. (Not joking specifically about each other.)  And if these are two people who are exclusively hanging out with just each otehr, that’s not OK.

    I think that joking and chatting can be a slippery slope.  I think in a gradual way it can lead you down a path that you don’t want to beon, before you know you’re there. 

    So I think a person needs to really be conscious and aware of what they are doing, and how innocent it is, on their part, and the part of the person or people they’re hanging with.

    Post # 12
    Member
    773 posts
    Busy bee

    It’s interesting that people on here are kind of fixated on the online aspect of the scenario. According to the OP, the two people in question have known each other for a while, chatted in the past, the flirting isn’t over the top, but some of the jokes are sexual.  If the relationship was in person rather than online, would it be ok?

    Post # 14
    Member
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    It’s completely inappropriate – I’ll bet the friend would not be happy if her husband was doing that with another woman, no matter who she was. In my opinion she is disrespecting herself, her husband and their marriage whether you consider it cheating or not.

    I get very uncomfortable when a guy flirts with me or even looks at me ‘that way’. I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I’m flirting back or open to that kind of interaction. Of course I am human and joke with my fiance that I think Bruce Willis circa Die Hard is hot stuff, but this is totally different – she is having an inappropriate relationship with another guy.

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    184 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    For me, definitely YES.  But, this does come from my own personal experience.  I know that I have cheated on my boyfriends in the past (yeah … more than once …). It was stupid and something that I regret deeply.  I didn’t stop to realize that I was doing it, and it started with only chatting and a bit of flirting banter and quickly got out of hand.

    I won’t let myself jeopardize the amazing relationship that I have with my Fiance by starting up this behavior again.  I would also be pretty upset if he did the same – it’s just not his style, and it would signal to me that something is wrong.

     

    Perhaps for other couples it’s different, but not for us.

    Post # 16
    Member
    2856 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    @Flamingo – This is a great topic!

    I am in total agreement with Mrs. Cheese. To me and my Fiance, flirting is cheating. I believe that flirting is a form of attraction which can lead to much more. You may think that you are only flirting but the other person may take it as something more. I have seen it happen. If you have an emotional bond with another person (not your SO) then it is like cheating even if it never leads to anything physical but that is just my opinion.

    Now, I don’t believe that talking to someone of the opposite sex is cheating or going to a bar without your SO is cheating. Having long conversations on a frequent basis is borderline, if not crossing the line for me, especially if it is an ex. My Fiance is allowed to have friends of the opposite sex (he really doesn’t but he can). I have many friends or acquaintences of the opposite sex but I don’t spend quality time with them. I don’t even allow my FI’s boys to be at my house alone without him. It just doesn’t feel right.

    Now for those that feel that it isn’t cheating, are you OK with your SO to flirt with other women?

    Also, do you believe men and women can be friends without sex or feelings getting involved?

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