(Closed) Debate: Is chatting/flirting considered cheating?

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Debate: Is chatting/flirting considered cheating?

    YES

    NO

    You can look/talk but no touch

    50 / 50

  • Post # 17
    Member
    7081 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2009

    I’m with Mrs. Cheese.  We are human, flawed and weak.  Why add any temptation to the situation by tantalizing yourself or someone else?

    I take a hard line on this because in my younger days I have been hurt by and have hurt others with flirting.  Why risk hurting the person you love the most in the world?

    Post # 18
    Bee
    263 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2008 - Oceanfront lawn and tent

    cheating.

    (I think a good test would be to think about if it would gross you out if your husband was doing that… and for me, I would be totally heartbroken.  100% totally not okay in my book.)

    Post # 19
    Member
    2143 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I say it depends as well… I think I’m just kind of flirty by nature, not because I try to be, I just am, and I don’t even notice it. I have a guy friend that I talk to online, but, it is someone I knew before I even met my hubby, and he lives all the way in Singapore so there is really no chance of anything happening (I wouldn’t want it even if there were!). However, I don’t think its wrong to chat and be a little flirty on the internet, AS LONG AS EACH PERSON IS AWARE OF IT! That’s the biggest thing. If she’s hiding this from her hubby, it’s wrong. That’s when she knows she’s doing something he wouldnt approve of, and that crosses the line. Maybe it’s not technically cheating yet (if they start sending nekky pics of themselves, or they are talking about what they’d do to each other sexually, even if it’s a joke, then it SO is). But, as long as each person would be totally 100% comfortable with their spouse reading over their convos and knows it wont cause a big problem, then I think it’s ok. But, if spouse disapproves, that means its time to stop or tone it down.

    Post # 20
    Member
    570 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2009

    I’m also with Mrs. Cheese on this one- anything that you would do in front of your husband/him in front of you is not something I would consider cheating.  To me it seems that the level of "cheat" comes into play when it becomes secretive, regardless of the degree of activitiy. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    1718 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country

    Pictures and sexy jokes is not OK. I’d personally die if I found out my FI/husband were doing this with someone. In my mind, flirting is cheating, but some couples might have looser interpretations of what is appropriate and what is not. I’m with Tiramisu… if the tables were turned, would I be devestated? Yes. Maybe that’s not the case for your friend and her husband though.

    Post # 22
    Member
    141 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Agreed with Cheese on the "getting a high" thing and also I think that if it’s something you would not do/say IN FRONT OF your husband/FI, it’s wrong.

    I think this is where a line comes up–I think it’s fine to have friends of the opposite sex, and like sometimes when my Fiance and I are out together male friends will say things that could be inappropriate if they were saying it to me in private or something–but it’s just a big joke when it’s all of us messing around. It’s a very sitational thing, but your sister’s situation sounds (to me) like it’s inappropriate. I don’t know if I’d actually call it full on cheating, but definitely something I wouldn’t want my Fiance doing and that I wouldn’t do myself. It’s just too easy for something like that to devolve into something way worse, and it sounds like she is emotionally attached to this guy and the "high" she gets from talking to him.

    Post # 23
    Member
    100 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2009

    I think that we all — men and women — get a high from being hit on or flirted with. It’s human nature. But I agree that if you feel, deep in the pit of your stomach, that you wouldn’t want your husband to do the same thing or don’t want him to see the conversation you’re having, you are definitely doing something wrong. Flirting will usually lead to something more. I do think it is like putting your emotional focus on someone other than your man.

    Yes, it can feel good to be hit on or flirted with… but it’s wrong. Go home, put on a sexy outfit and let your man flirt with you all you want! 🙂

     

    Post # 24
    Member
    6009 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I second cheese with a resounding YES!  I haven’t cheated in the past, but I have found that flirting and attention makes me feel good.  My husband knows that I like to flirt (and he’s seen me in action!), so I never thought it bothered him.  Until this past winter, when he confessed that it actually bothers him a lot.  He said that when he walks by my office and I am chatting and smiling with one of our co-workers or friends, it hurts his feelings.  He wants to be the only one who can bring out that side of me.

    Honestly, that made me do a complete 180.  I realized that I would be completely jealous and hurt if all of his energy and attention was being spent on someone else.  I also realized that if these flirtations and conversations really meant nothing to me, if they were completely innocent and harmless, I should have no problem quitting.  I tried to sanitize my relationships with co-workers and friends, and now I try to give all my attention to my husband only.  In fact, if I am having a conversation or emailing someone and it looks like I might be crossing that line, I include my husband.  I call him on the phone or forward him the emails.

    I don’t think just talking with someone else is cheating, but once you start going outside the relationship to find some kind of fulfillment, that crosses a line for me.  If my husband’s not around and I want attention, I call my mom or my sisters, or I get on WB.  Those are much safer/respectable avenues to get attention, imo.

    Post # 26
    Member
    196 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I don’t think it’s cheating if her husband knows about it and the pictures are not just of her in skimpy outfits, etc.  I was thinking she was sending him dirty pics, dirty emails, etc.  If it is normal chatting, with a few sexual jokes thrown in, I don’t think it’s cheating.

    I agree with Ms. Cheese and couldn’t have said it any better – I won’t say something to a guy that I wouldn’t say in front of his wife and/or my Fiance. 

    I have to admit I think it is flattering to have a girl go up to my Fiance and try and flirt with him b/c #1, he is not the flirty type and #2 he is that cute and he is all mine and coming home with me! 🙂  I trust him 100% and I know he trusts me, too.  I honestly think that sometimes it is healthy to flirt b/c it honestly makes me love and appreciate my Fiance all the more.  Well, maybe I should say when guys flirt with me b/c I don’t necessarily do it back.

    But people can take flirting too far and it can create a huge temptation that can lead into physical cheating. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    3979 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    It’s treading in dangerous waters… where does it stop? Sure it starts out as innocent flirting. Lets say you get in a big fight with your spouse… then you go running to your flirty friend and start trashing your SO because you’re angry. Your online love starts reassuring you, blowing smoke up your butt… you think, Oh he’d never do a,b,c to me like my SO does! Suddenly your friend looks even more appealing.

    I voted yes because it can easily turn into something more than just talking…

    Post # 28
    Member
    1573 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I personally would not feel good if I found my Fiance was "chatting online" with another woman; would you?

    In person it’s different, people know how to draw the line, people have to smile at each other banter to get their ways at diners or with the auto mechanic etc, it’s not considered cheating, but when you go out of your way and make sexual innuendos online thats a  whole different ballpark; you are going out of your way to do and a lot more can be said online because its a computer; in real life, there are social barriers that prevent you and the other party from going beyond that fine line

     

    once a guy starts hitting on me I usually mention the fiance because I dont want to lead men on or have them get the wrong idea;

    so funny one time I was at a swanky bar watching the opera singers sing in NYC I was researching looking for opera singers, a guy said you like opera, I said yeah, I’m looking for a singer for my wedding he immediately went away; kind of funny; another guy at customs as I came home asked questions related to the customs then asked one more question if I had a boyfriend, I said no I’m engaged, he smiled and walked away–funny how guys stop when you say something

     

    bottom line online chatting is a whole different animal and even in life you should know where to draw the line

    Post # 29
    Member
    7429 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I agree with Amandopolis.  My BFF and Fiance joke around a lot, but I don’t get mad or upset b/c I know its completely harmless.  Pretty much all of our friends are mutual, and yes I do get flirty with some of the guys, but again always around Fiance and open about it and it never gets sexual.  I do agree that if it was someone that Fiance didn’t know it would be cheating, which is why if I plan on making a friendship with a new guy (mostly through work) then I make it a point to have him meet Fiance so that he’s comfortable with me talking to the guy.  We have both been cheated on deceived in our past relationships so cheating is a huge NO, and we both agree that our relationship is forever and nothing will break that bound. If I ever got that feeling for a guy, I would end the friendship immediately b/c I would never want to hurt Fiance.  We’re very open about our feelings which is one reason why I am confident that this would never be an issue

    Post # 30
    Member
    7429 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I would like to mention that on the rare occasions that I go out without Fiance to a bar or dancing, I always come home to tell him about the guys who flirt with me or try to pick me up. One night in particular stands out to me when I had 3 different good looking guys come up to me in the same night and talk to me, it gave me a major ego boost and he noticed and asked me about it.  I told him yes it made me feel good to be desired by someone else but in all honestly it just made me want to go home and ravage him…so I guess he really didn’t have a reason to be mad

    Post # 31
    Member
    445 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I think there is a HUGE difference between having a flirty personality in your everyday dealings with people, and with carrying on an actual relationship (internet or in person) in which flirting and sexual innuendo are the order of the day. The first case is not what I would necessarily categorize as cheating, although depending on the people involved, it might not be the best idea for the long-term health of your primary relationship. The second case is absolutely cheating and totally disrespectful of your SO.

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