Post # 32
I think having a flirty personality in general is different from engaging in friendships that specifically have a flirty tone to them. That little bit of gratification you get from the exchange is a slippery slope. I’m not saying it leads to cheating, but it means you’re going outside yourself and your relationship for a certain amount of gratification and satisfaction that might not be a positive move for your relationship.
Also, for what it’s worth, my husband believes pretty strongly that male/female friendships only work well when all parties are single, and even then they’re usually based on mutual attraction (sexual orientation aside, of course). He’s of the mind that most of the time there is dormant but significant attraction going on between heterosexual male/female friendships.
I for one have deliberately avoided becoming friends with people where I can tell there is mild attraction, and have taken steps to modify or end friendships where I felt this type of boundary crossing was being initiated by the other person (or was no longer appropriate, in the case of flirty friendships that pre-date my relationship with my husband).
Post # 33
- Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park
I think it depends on the boundaries set within their relationship. If her husband is OK with it and it’s not hurting anything, it’s not cheating. If it is secret, forbidden, and harmful, it is cheating.
Post # 34
West Coast Bride– does your husband think that women are sexually attracted to all of their male friends? I mean, I’d say I feel significant attraction to my male friends, but it’s the same attraction that I feel towards my female friends. Just because I love my guy friends doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them all! And even if it were the case that I was sexually attracted to every guy friend I have, I’m not going to sleep with all of them- it’s all about being accountable in your behavior, right? Does your husband seriously expect you to have no male friends?
Post # 35
Wow I was really shocked when I read some of the answers to this. I think that’s about all I can say.
Post # 36
I voted 50/50… there are some of my guy friends that I have a brother-like relationship with… I tease them and sometimes I’ll make a joke like "Wow, X, that was SO sexy" when one of them burps or farts. Yeah, I know, I’m one of the dudes. 🙂 I even offered to take one of my guy friends on a friend-date last night (I called it a "December and X date" in the text I sent him) cause his pseudo-girlfriend dumped him, but he wanted other people around, not because of tension but just because he figured with more people he was less likely to get emotional. And as I texted him setting this up I was talking to my husband the whole time, planning how I would take X out to the restaurant and then afterwards, take him over to my husband’s security job so they could hang out and talk.
On the other hand, there are friends who there is more "weirdness" or tension with, that we just don’t go there. Most of them have girlfriends. We don’t hang out together alone, we talk about fairly neutral things or our SO’s, we don’t pay compliments or comment on each other’s bodies (beyond the fact that one of them has got a gut he wants to lose and we compare my baby bump to it). There’s also a guy at work that I know is married, and he knows I am married, and he is just too friendly for me. I’m sure he means well, but I just don’t feel comfortable with long conversations or teasing with him, so I don’t.
I guess it boils down to 1. whether your SO knows and condones of how you interact with whatever person it is and 2. how you respond/feel with each individual. If it feels "weird" or like there’s sexual tension, and you would be uncomfortable acting that way with your SO there, don’t do it!
Post # 37
I am in complete agreement with Mrs. Cheese about the idea of getting a "high" from the interaction. I think it is perfectly possible for men and women to have platonic friendships with each other but I do believe there’s appropriate and inappropriate behavior within these friendships. In my relationship between my DH and I, we both feel comfortable with each other interacting with someone of the opposite sex but our interactions with the opposite sex should be as platonic as our interactions with someone of the same sex.
It’s entirely possible for me to carry on a conversation with a man, even a fun, joking conversation with a man, without it turning "flirty." I also think most of us can recognize our own flirty behavior and we can recognize when a friendship gives us that relationship "high" that Mrs. Cheese talks about. Having a conversation/friendship with someone of the opposite sex isn’t cheating; having a flirty friendship with someone of the opposite sex is cheating (for my relationship).
To me, flirting is an attempt to engage the member of the opposite sex, make yourself attractive to them, and make them feel like you find them attractive. Being overly touchy with a friend, excessively complimenting them, laughing hard at a joke that’s not funny – I think most of us understand when we’re being polite, friendly, and caring with someone and when we’re being flirty. In my relationship, this kind of behavior is cheating because it creates a level of intimacy between the friends that goes beyond platonic friendship.
Post # 38
Here’s how I view it…
Would you still do it if your significant other were sitting/standing right next to you, and could see it?
If the answer is no, then it’s cheating. You are betraying his/her trust in you.
Post # 39
My Fiance and I have had to work on this exact subject early on in our relationship. What I mean by that is that I am a VERY flirty person, its just me! Well my Fiance has been bothered by some of the things I do. For example, he didn’t really like the way I was dancing with his friends, basically certain songs & types of dances are okay, others not so much. So, I respect what he conisderes "over the top flirting."
Another example, would be my interaction with my old boss. Fiance thought he had a thing for me, so he asked that we never go out to dinner or drinks alone; if there was a group of people from work, no biggie, just not alone. I’ll admit there was innocent flirting that occured between my boss and I, but I agreed with my Fiance that going to dinner or drinks alone would totally be crossing the line.
I think there is a level of flirting in which the flirting can cross over into "cheating" or at least be inappropriate. But IMO innocent flirting or chatting isn’t crossing the line.
Post # 40
It’s cheating if you’re by definition breaking the rules of your relationship. To know what the rules of your relationship are, you have to know each other well and have discussed them.
If you feel reticent to discuss your behavior with your partner, that’s probably because you’re breaking the rules. So then you need to either reevaluate the rules or the behavior. Either way, discrepencies in the affect should be discussed with your partner.
That’s the most clinical way I can think to describe what I think it the process for pretty much everyone. I think so long as you’re on the same page, it doesn’t matter if that’s the same page as other couples or even what book you’re reading.
Post # 41
- Wedding: June 2008 - Imperia Hotel (modern chic hotel)
chelseamorning…. WELL SAID. I agree with you 110%!
Each couple has different rules and what may be obvious cheating in one couple, is purely flirting in another. But like you said, you need to discuss this with your partner and establish whats accepted and not…
Post # 42
I still have the same answer for this as I do for other things-If I wouldn’t say it or do it in front of my SO, I shouldn’t be saying it or doing it. That pretty much covers the gamut.
If it was online and my Fiance could read it, if his SO could read it, then it is mostly fine. I am a teacher and have MANY male collegues-there is a certain amount of communication-professional and personal that occurs in these work environments. I am friends with many of these men online/on FB & MySpace, etc, however, I am also friends with their WIVES. There isn’t anything in my FB, MySpace or email that my Fiance couldn’t read or anyone else.
Post # 43
In situations like this, I always put the shoe on the other foot, so to speak. If I wouldn’t want him doing it, I don’t do it.
Post # 44
I said yes, just because if I found out that my boyfriend was blatantly flirting with other girls it would be nearly impossible for me to trust him any longer. This is not to say that I look at it as a literal form of cheating. I just hate the thought of any girl thinking that he would be with her if it weren’t for me…the idea just grosses me out big time. I can handle him having friendships with girls at work, but I don’t think that flirting is the only way to have a friendship. I will admit to being kind of a jealous person though even though I really believe in my heart of hearts that he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.
Post # 45
If you wouldnt want your husband/fiance/boyfriend/whatever to see you doing it, then its cheating.
Post # 46
I recently called off my engagement. One reason (minus my own anxiety) was that it was brought to my attention that my boyfriend/fiance seemed like a flirt. His lack of self-awareness about it was a concern too.
I understand that conversation with the opposite sex can be construed as flirting, but at this point in life, most people can distinguish the difference between chatting and flirting. He, apparently, couldn’t.
However, I can see PP’s comments about what is OK and what is not. We share a lot of mutual friends and sexual innuendos and jokes in my opinion are not necessarily offensive or flirtatious. It all depends on the relationship and the couple. But, there are limits.
I think if one partner find the other partner’s behavior of concern, the partner in question should work correct his or her behavior or justify it. For me, I felt disrespected, and wished I realized it all sooner.