- 1 month ago
I’m not quite sure where to even start, but I’ll do my best to be detailed, yet point driven.
my husband and I are approaching 3 years of marriage, and I have some serious doubts…again. Prior to our wedding, i was having an affair for the last year (basically our whole engagement) which came out (from me) a month after we got married. So not only was I going into my wedding with confusion, I was too scared to call it off and was in a state of denial. After i told him, I moved home for a few months with intentions of a divorce. After some time apart and really thinking about what i was losing, we decided after about 3 months to give it another shot.
we went to counseling and it became pretty clear that his lack of wanting to have sex with me or be intimiate, played a huge part. After a few sessions, we stopped going as I felt he wasn’t gaining anything and nothing was changing. I’ve told him since our wedding day 3 years ago that my love language is intimacy and sex, as the therapist revealed. He says he will try, yet after 2-3 weeks of waiting, I’m always the one trying to schedule it in again.
We don’t have kids and have been talking about it for this year, however I feel like i am finding any reason possible to prolong it and though I do want kids, i don’t know if I want them with him. I’m hitting a point where I feel like my love for him is strong, he is a great guy, but I don’t feel IN love with him and I just feel like we are friends, not husband and wife.
Im Not ready to lose him in my life, but I’m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of divorce. Our last major talk was last fall when i said if we had to have this conversation about sex again, i was done. Amongst other small things he promises to do and doesn’t, this is the biggest. I’m to the point now where I don’t enjoy sex with him and almost don’t want it myself anymore. I’m basically on the brink of acting on my wandering eye again and I can’t do the guilt trip and hiding again.
i know marriage is more than sex, as he cares for me and really truly is a great guy, but I feel like meeting at 19, we are different people and I’m trying to be motivated in life and healthy and he just doesn’t care.
for those bees who are divorced or are thinking it, how do you know? I’m so scared to be alone, but I’m about to be 30 and can’t stand that I still don’t know if i want this marriage and feel I’d be happier with someone else.