Post # 77
it doesnt matter if he said he forgave her, that doesnt make things suddenly good again. I could forgive someone who stole from me, but id still keep that person at a distance to protect myself.
Plus if their sex life was bad before the marriage and the cheating, being married isnt going to change it. I think they both were in denial.
Post # 78
With such deep seeded issues just a few therapy sessions would barely brush the surface. So to throw in the towel as you both did is just pure lack of effort or desire to make things work.
I see a lot of justification for your actions but the truth is we are all 100% responsible for ourselves. At the first sign of trouble you should have proactively considered therapy. If issues remained unresolved you should have ended the relationship, not enter an affair and then get married. I am not sure what you are debating? It’s awfully selfish to continue to string along your husband who is guilty of what, not sharing the same sex drive or being compatible intimately with you? All things you knew long before marriage was on the horizon.
Post # 79
saratiara2 : I don’t disagree, I was just frustrated with post after post telling the OP that her husband wouldn’t sleep with her because she cheated on him. I think that is a great oversimplification of the issue. They were incompatible from the start, and during their three month separation they decided to stay together without really tackling any of their issues, which I’d say was a mistake on both their parts.
Post # 80
Tatum : Yup, agreed. Honestly, it sounds like he just wants to sweep it all under the rug, and pretend it didn’t happen, which is obviously not going to solve anything.
I don’t think he’s not sleeping with her because she cheated. It’s not like he was before, so I think he just….isn’t that into sex.
Post # 81
daisy8812 : It sounds like your husband is checked out of the marriage and I can’t blame him but i do commend you for owning up to your affair and for trying to fix this marriage. However, I think it seems like he may have had intimacy to begin with and your cheating may have just added to that.
You telling him you need physical intimacy to feel loved and then know you strayed in his mind is probably reading as no matter what he does unless sex is involved you wont believe he loves you and if he’s still trying to build up the trust to want to have sex it’s just a terrible vicious circle.
It sounds like you don’t love him anymore anyway so I think stop beating the dead horse and separate. I’m sorry you have to go through this but I hope you realize that affairs are hurtfull and messy and the next time you are in a committed relationship be aware of when things don’t feel right and end it before you cheat.
Post # 82
If my husband cheated on me for over a year and didn’t come clean until after he’d tricked me into marrying him, sex would NEVER be on the table again.
I don’t blame him one bit. Divorce the poor guy. He deserves better.
Post # 83
daisy8812 : so if the issues where there before the affair then why get engaged or married. I have been married and divorced and my reasons were never as selfish as not getting sex. I was abused physically, emotionally and mentally. I was isolated from my family and the world and he tried to kill me twice. That doesn’t include the cheating and alcoholism. You should have never gotten married and you know it. 30 or even 40 you are still way too immature for any real relationship.
Post # 84
You made a huge mistake dealing with the mismatch of your libidos by having an affair. You then compounded your poor judgement by going ahead and marrying this man with those two red banners flapping in a hurricane.
But you don’t need to pay for your mistakes for the rest of your life by staying married to someone for whom you are so ill-suited. It’s hard to imagine why he has wanted to stay married to you and that does add to the overall impression of his passivity. But he is not within your circle of control, only you are.
It’s very unlikey he’s going to turn into a different person and if he isn’t highly motivated to be having sex with you at every opportunity in the early years of your relationship then your sex life is only going to dwindle further.
People change as they age and even with the best will in the world a happy sex life can and often does become more difficult for couples. But if you start out with one spouse permanently dissatisfied then you will never have the opportunity to create that history of joyful intimacy that will help cement that emotional and physical side of your relationship, and thus support the whole partnership as you move on through the stages in life.
In short, you owe your husband a huge apology for wasting his time. Release him just as much for his sake as for yours.
Post # 85
OP isn’t divorcing her husband because that would mean giving up her ‘beautiful home and good lifestyle’.
Post # 85
sassy411 : I’m sure you are right. OP is through and through proving to be a very selfish person.
It is also interesting hearing only her side of the story which gives her all the power, as if the fate of the marriage is solely in her hands. I wish her husband had enough self-worth to leave her.
Post # 86
daisy8812 : All these complaints and yet YOU chose to marry him.
Post # 87
Hate to be harsh, but it sounds to me like the husband was disconnected from this relationship before the marriage and affair ever began.
As for you you having a affair, what’s done is done. IMO sounds like the two of you just aren’t making each other happy, and it happens! Sometimes people get married and it’s not meant to be, this sounds like it’s perhaps the case here.
If I was in your shoes, I think I’d go to counseling alone, then decide if you want to work on things with your husband. If you do, ask him to join you for counseling so you can decide together if you want to try and work things out.
Either way, I hope that both of you can find your happy endings, together or not.
Post # 88
I skimmed through all the comments and while I appreciate the advice, I want to make it clear that my OP was quick and short, there is so much more. And it’s focused on me right now, because I am the one confused. We talked the other night and I opened the discussion by saying we BOTH have a decision to make here. Not just me…don’t take the context of me me me too seriously…Jesus
And someone mentioned I was interested in another affair? I think that was miscommuniated, I moreso meant I didn’t want to get to the point of acting (sorry if that came off wrong). IF I ever did get close to cheating or heaven forbid I did again, my answer would be 100% clear…but just to clarify,I haven’t and don’t have any interest to.
I’m well aware it was wrong and I’ve been dealing with pain and tried counseling to help us both talk it through and he wants to sweep it under a rug and not speak a word. Ive offered counseling together, counseling alone, sitting down and discussing what may have led me to it or how we could fix it, etc etc
All in all, he said he still wants nothing more than to be with me. I have laid everything out on the table and gave us both the choice to take time, and even told him I want to keep sex off the table right now so we aren’t making our decision based on emotion. There are a lot of issues with our relationship, I’m not saying I’m perfect or blaming him, I have 10 years of our relationship in 4 paragraphs above, I simply just wanted to know from those who have divorced or thought about it, what they felt.
For all of you throwing shame and blame at me for leading on this beautiful innocent man, he has hurt me too. And my feelings shouldn’t be discounted because i made a mistake. I gave him a choice when i moved out and he allowed me back in. You all make it sound like I’m a heartless bitch and that’s not the case at all…I won’t re-explain, but wanted to give some sort of explanation to some of these crazy comments like you know my life.
Post # 89
daisy8812 : well, you seem to know everything best so why ask for advice?
Post # 90
lifeisbeeutiful : my question was if you’ve been divorced or have thought about it..what were you feeling? I guess I should have left out my story and just asked that