(Closed) Deceased Brothers Birthday = Issues

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I go or not?
    Go that weekend (how/why) : (24 votes)
    56 %
    Tell SO to have fun and stay home : (12 votes)
    28 %
    Ask SO to change to another weekend (explain how to breach subject) : (5 votes)
    12 %
    other (explain) : (2 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2934 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s important that you *try* to find a way to live and experience joy (through the tears) especially during the month when your brother died. I don’t know the circumstances of his death, but I imagine he would want you to live and enjoy life, not dedicate a month out of the year to suffering. I do know it’s very hard. I think you have to try to move forward, taking baby steps if necessary.

    Post # 4
    Member
    682 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I don’t completely understand where you are coming from but I sort of do…. I lost my dad when I was 12-  It was unexpected and it really turned my family upside down.  For years, I actually cut that day out of every calendar I had to pretend it didn’t exist.  Unfortunately, it is exactly two weeks after my birthday, two days after my twin nephews birthday etc. so it is really unavoidable.  I even used to take off work that day so I could be by myself and grieve….  That is, until I realized taking the day off to think about the worst day of my life really didn’t make sense for me anymore.  I will never forget my dad, I actually was just thinking about the accident when I woke up this morning for some reason and got a little upset…  But you can’t let a day stop you from living.  I remember and miss my father every single day of the year and I know he would yell at my for stopping my life because of the day he left us.  In more recent years, I’ve been on vacation with FH and his family on that day, worked, etc. because he wouldn’t want me to be extra miserable and alone, he would want me to remember him and live for him.  My dad was the most adventurous awesome guy- he swam with sharks (that was an addicent, it was whales until the shark came up behind him, all on video may I add) he went all over the world hunting and fishing, he really lived life the 42 years he was here.  He would want me to do the same, especially in honor of him the day he stopped.  I hope that helps.  I wish I could hug you!  Ultimately it is up to you, whatever you feel comfortable with.  

    Post # 5
    Member
    11747 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I think it’s your choice on whether or not you want to go. Only you can make that call.  Do you need/want your Fiance to stay with you that weekend – is that why you’d want him to change the date?  I’d personally probably just tell him to go have fun and have the weekend to myself. But, everyone’s different when it comes to grieving and remembering loved ones.

    Post # 6
    Member
    11233 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @Jijitattoo:  I agree with this, and I really think you should go. Think of it as a celebration of your brother. I think this could be a really good step towards healing for you, and a good way to remember your brother. <3

    Post # 8
    Member
    11747 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @subtlebee:  Well in that case, then yes go ahead and ask him to stay with you.  You guys should be able to talk to each other about anything, including this and he should be willing to be there for you.  While I think it may be good for you to try living normally that weekend, everyone grieves at their own pace.  It took many many years for me to be able to live life normally during the anniversary of my best friends death.  You will get there. But, in the meantime, don’t be afriad to ask for the support you need from your family, friends, and SO.

    Post # 9
    Member
    14661 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I think you should try to continue on with life and go.  His birthday should not be a show stopper.  I lost my sister 11 years ago.  Her birthday sometimes falls on Thanksgiving.  (It was yesterday).  That’s a tough day to be thankful when its so obvious someone that should be there isnt.  But I focus on who is there, and we celebrate what we still have.  I know it’s especially hard on a special day like a birthday, but any day is hard.  It happens a lot less now, but on any day, thinking about it and reliving it can have be bursting out in tears.  My sister passed away right around finals my senior year, my parents still made me go to class 2 days later and finish up tests.  You must try to continue on, face the pain whereever you need to be at the moment and learn to grieve whereever you may be.  Dont let one tradgedy lead to more and stop life as you should be living it. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    2188 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2024

    I am very sorry for your loss, however I don’t think you should make SO miss spending time with his sister and family and act like he doesn’t support you. Your statement “I ALWAYS support him, whether it is easy or not or whether I want to or not. I guess it was presumptuous to think he would also always do the same.” I don’t think him wanting to spend time with his family is not supporting you. I understand this is a hard time for you but I think you are being a bit harsh with him. If you want to stay home then you should, but you shouldn’t expect him to miss his family time to watch movies.

    @pinkshoes said a lot of great things and I’m with her that “Dont let one tradgedy lead to more and stop life as you should be living it.” You need to live your life. I understand grief, I’ve lived it, I think if you are getting upset about SO not spending the weekend with you and this might effect your relationship in the long run (he might stay with you but resent it because he wants to be with his family…also does that mean he will have to stay with you every weekend on this date?) then you should speak with a grief counselor on how you can start to heal from your loss.

    Best of luck and again I’m sorry for your loss.

    Post # 12
    Member
    3420 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

    My Brother passed away 3 years agto. I understand how it can be difficult to deal on on that day. 

    But I would still go…

    My brother hated seeing me upset. he wouldn’t want me to be upset, especially over him.

    Post # 13
    Member
    116 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    That is tough! It really depends on YOUR emotional state and well being.  If I was having a hard time like that I certainly wouldn’t want to put myself in a situation where I cannot have a private emotional breakdown, which is totally understandable in your case! I think your SO (still dont know what this acronym means) should be sensitive to your situation, if he really has the entire month of weekends to chose from why wouldn’t he just change the date for you? 

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