(Closed) Decided I'm done if he won't talk about the future by Christmas….

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2002

Why wait til Christmas?  Get out there and find the love and devotion you deserve. 3 years is ridiculous unless you guys are really young.

Post # 3
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I wasted 17 years of my life on someone… I will never get them back. Don’t wait. Don’t give someone else so much of yourself if  they can’t do the same for you. Dating is not supposed to be a long-term plan. You date to decide if they are worth marrying or not.

Post # 4
7423 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I remember your earlier post about this guy. He is recently paralyzed right? From what I remember of your last post, it seems like he loves you but is just not ready to even begin thinking long term yet. Really tough situation, bee–I feel for you. But I agree that you shouldn’t waste more time waiting for someone who just isn’t ready and may never be. I think setting a walk date is a good idea. Maybe in another few months (so a few months before Christmas), try to initiate another talk with him about the future. I wouldn’t tell him you have a walk date (that will seem like an ultimatum), but keep it in your head, and be very clear with him about what you want. 

Post # 5
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

IMO, if you’re ready to set a deadline, you’re already feeling too much resentment for a healthy relationship. Don’t let yourself stew until the holidays.

Post # 6
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

If no special circumstances (such as being paralyzed, or any other medical issue, such as mental health) are going on, I don’t understand why you have to wait at all to brooch these topics. If no big issues are happening and you two can’t get on the same page it’s time to move on, unfortunately.

I believe that barring real issues that require therapy/doctor care/etc there isn’t an excuse. If he has things to work through in the background, give him time and support to work through them first, if this is the person for you.

Post # 8
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
gagal2016:  “He also doesn’t ever set any kind of timeline as for when he will be ready to discuss these things….which I respect.”

I don’t see how this is something to be respected…..it’s actually extremely disrespectful to you as he assumes all control of your future life with him and leaves you holding the short end of the stick. As long as the two of you play these roles, i.e. he has the power to call the shots, you let him; you’re not going to be able to voice what you want your future TOGETHER to be like. 

You need to change the dynamic on how you think and communicate about this issue. You are both mature adults who have been together long enough to have a certain level of honest intimacy. You should both, as equals, be able to openly discuss what you want in your life and relationship down the roads. These goals may or may not match up, you won’t know till you have the conversation. If they don’t, neither of you should have to compromise and you can move on to find someone who wants the same things you do.


Post # 11
1292 posts
Bumble bee

How old are you? Three years seems like a long time, but if you’ve been together for three years starting when you were 18, that’s a little different than three years together starting at age 27, you know?

If you really did just graduate from college, and have no money and no career (your job sounds temporary) then I would definitely chill out a bit. You have soooooo much time ahead of you. And it sounds like he is just trying to figure out how to have a “normal” life again, which would throw anyone for a loop.

And you need to take an honest look at the future – are you going to be willing to be a caretaker for the rest of your life? What about if you want children? Will you be willing to take on the bulk of childcare if he cant? I’m not saying there is a right or wrong answer to this stuff, just that there is a lot of things to think about besides just a proposal.

Post # 13
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

View original reply
gagal2016:  It doesn’t have to be the case. There is nothing wrong with verbalising your dreams to your partner. I think how you talk about getting married will influence whether he thinks you are being ‘pushy’ or not (however after 3 years don’t worry you are not pushy he is just unreasonable!)

Make it less about him needing to put a ring on it and more about why marriage in general is important to you. If he doesn’t believe in marriage, tell him that while you respect his opinion it is a very important life goal of yours, just as valid as any other dream, and you are not willing to stay with him if that is the case. Snubbing your dreams and calling you ‘pushy’ is gives him all the power – don’t let it. 

I think you deserve to at least know whether he thinks it is likely he will want to marry you some time in the future. Fair enough if you just finished college, you are still young, you’re not asking for an engagement right this second. You just want to know where he sees you both in the future. After 3 years he should know that. Unfortunately if he is not willing to have that conversation AT ALL it may mean that he already knows his answer but it is one you won’t like. 

Post # 15
1292 posts
Bumble bee

So you haven’t really been together for three years if you broke up last year for two months. Seriously, you are really young. And you are about to move away for a few months. Enjoy your 20s, focus on yourself and your career, and give him some time. Maybe he honestly doesn’t know if he wants to marry you, or anyone. And that’s OK for right now – because you guys broke up a while back, he’s recently paralyzed, and you guys are SO YOUNG. Seriously. I can’t stress this enough. Focus on yourself for a bit, let the relationship run its course, and if he still doesn’t want to talk about the future when you get back or by Christmas, decide if it’s a relationship you want to stay in.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by beebee1983.

The topic ‘Decided I'm done if he won't talk about the future by Christmas….’ is closed to new replies.

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