(Closed) Decided I'm done if he won't talk about the future by Christmas….

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Whoa. If this guy is recently paralyzed that is a whole other set of issues from what most people are dealing with. 

I think it may be a good idea for you two to get into therapy together. He needs to wrap his head around his new normal, so do you (when you are there 24/7 to give care) and then you guys can talk seriousness.

Post # 19
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
gagal2016:  aside from the other issues, the care and the money to support it is a big deal. it is something that can easily overwhelm a person. There are some tough questions that you need to answer before saying you would be ok doing the care taking and physical jobs.

Have you been responsible solely for his care for 2 months at a time with no help? How would you guys support yourselves as a married couple if you needed to stay home to care for him? Can you transport him and his chair by yourself? 

It is important that you be realistic about this so you’re not leading him down a garden path to nowhere too. 

That said, this is a part of marriage (better or worse, etc) and if you truly are up for it, I commend you. 

 If he has just become paralyzed, you need to give him time. That is a huge change that he is dealing with. It’s ok that you have your priorities re marriage in your head, but I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking/feeling right now.

Post # 22
Member
3324 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I don’t see the point in dragging it out. If you aren’t happy and he doens’t want to talk about marriage, just leave now.

Post # 23
Member
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Closed mouths doesn’t get fed. I see no reason for you wait to have this discussion either. You’re an adult verbalize your needs. 

Post # 25
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
gagal2016:  wow, defensive much? I never suggested you were an “idiot”.

you yourself said he needs full time free care and his mom is doing that. You said you two haven’t discussed how this would work financially and you don’t make a lot right now. 

 I wasn’t trying to warn you, but to ask you if you have taken care of your BF by yourself for a length of time, to ask if you have discussed this and thought it out financially. These are directly related to being married. You care for your brother but you aren’t financially responsible for him or the roof over your head. 

These are questions responsible adults address, no matter their situation. But as someone who has taken care of my Fiance when he is in a wheelchair, I was asking from experience. 

 

Post # 26
Member
911 posts
Busy bee

Why spend another year of your life deferring your dreams and goals while you wait to see whether he is even ready to discuss the future? I think it’s possible to love someone without passively allowing them to steer your life until they decide whether or not you may be part of their future. You have so much living ahead of you, and so much going for you! You deserve to be with someone who, after three years together,  is sure enough about you to be in this thing 100%–hell or high water.

I think you should talk to him now, tell him what YOU are ready for, and see whether you are on the same page. If not, why wait around just in case that changes? Someone else out there will love you enough to be sure about you and your place in their tomorrow.

Post # 29
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I know this is going to sound really heartless but have you REALLY given it enough thought that you are considering marrying a person who you will have to care for, potentially for the rest of your life?

That’s a HUGE responsibility and not just that but if you DO want children, firstly is he able to give that to you? Secondly do you realise that if he is paralyzed that he WON’T be able to help you raise them! You will solely be responsible for raising your children AS WELL as taking care off him.

It’s completely different if this had happened AFTER you had married as it would be a given that you would stay by his side but you’re young and starting your life. 

Please don’t get me wrong, i empathise with him, i have a son with a disability so i am by no means discriminating against disability but sometimes you have to think with your head not just your heart. 

What you’re potentially signing up for is not easy and it will be very one sided. You will be doing A LOT more giving than receiving, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.

I think you are an amazing person to be willing to do this and you should not be wasting your time on him if he can’t even see the reality of all this.

Post # 30
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee

Well, even if YOU are ready for that responsibility, HE might not be ready to have someone he loves take all that on at such a young age. You don’t have a career yet, or an income, so I would focus on that first, and if you two are supposed to end up together, things will fall into place. Is he able to work? Because if not, he might not be comfortable with you providing and caring for him. 

I think that normally, three years is a good time to talk about the future, but you have a very unique situation and you really need to respect the fact that he has no idea what the future holds for him just yet. Go out and start a career, figure out your own life, and see where the relationship goes.

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