(Closed) Decided NOT to have sister as bridesmaid… (LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
8435 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think one of the major problems here is that you basically told a teenager that they are a child (role is an adults role) and you kind of lied to her (adults only but havong 16 yr old as a groomsman). So you have to kind of see why she has taken this so badly. Add to that the fact that her only sister has said I don’t want you in my wedding and you have a very upset sister and family.

I am sure your parents hearts are in the right place. they want to think the best about both of their girls and probably want them to get along.

That said relationships with sisters are very different at different times in your lives. At the moment (and you didn’t say how old you were) as an adult you are seeig your sister as a bratty child- which she probably is because she is 15! She is not an adult and shouldn’t be expected to act as an adult (great if she can but most 15 year olds I know don’t- their lives revolve around themselves and their feelings).

I am not saying that you have to have her in your wedding party- you can do what you like. But I implore to think about your furture relationship with your sister. Impressions formed as a 15 yr old can be very hard to break and this will probably end any chance of having a good relationship with your sister in the future. How will you feel in 10 years, 20 years etc when your sister blanks you from her life? What about in the future- how will you feel about not being able to see nieces and nephews etc etc.

I think you need to stop thinking about the wedding and start thinking about your relationship and future relationship with your sister. She wont be an immature 15 year old for the rest of her life.

Post # 4
Member
1796 posts
Buzzing bee

Maybe have her do a reading? That way she she is still cluded in the ceremony and still “important” I dont mean that to sound snobby, but for lack of better words. You said she is too immature to do the rest of the Bridesmaid or Best Man stuff, and I believe you, I have a 18 year old sister and by the time my SO and I get married she will be in her 20s and the same whiny spoiled brat she has been. This reading may be the way to calm her down and she can wear the ‘pretty dress’ and tell her that being a bridesmaid is not a dream, being the bride is!!

Post # 5
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think her reaction to not being picked is enough reason to show that she shouldn’t be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. However, since this is becoming a big family issue, would you be willing to compromise and have her as a Jr. BM? You wouldn’t even have to get her involved with normal Bridesmaid or Best Man wedding stuff, just let her stand up next to your BMs on the wedding day. I know it’s not what you wanted, but at least this way you won’t to have interaction with her for the pre-wedding planning and you avoid a family rift.

Post # 6
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

As an Encore Bride, I sooo remember all the family drama that surrounds young brides, when Parents and others, are more involved in the Wedding plans (lol, been there done that… from my perspective, Wedding Planning is a ton more fun, second time around, when you don’t have to please everyone, just yourself…)

Honestly, I think you are going to have to COMPROMISE on this one for the following reasons…

(a) Fiance is having younger Siblings as his Groomsmen

(b) Your Parents are not about to back down (don’t even get me started on how some “other” family members are blackmailing you into giving you the cold shoulder)

(c) Your Sister is probably very hurt… and fragile (gosh don’t your remember these gosh-awful years… 14 and 15, when you had low self-esteem and tons of self doubt ?)

Here is my suggestion…

Have a sit down with your Parents.  Tell them you honestly see your Bridesmaids as your “supporters” (their traditional role) so you still plan to use your GFs (who are your age).  Your sister can be a Jr Bridesmaid (and get a similar / coordinating dress… decision up to you), she can do a reading at the Wedding, and walk down the aisle.  And of course she’ll be in an assortment of the Formal Wedding Photos (Family, Bridesmaids, Her & You, Full Wedding Party alone & with the Bride & Groom)

BUT you do have some issues with her behaviour because she is younger.  So you don’t want to have any added stress of being responsible for her behaviour, babysitting her, etc ESPECIALLY ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.  So you expect your Parents to help you out with this and those situations where you will not be including her as part of the “Girls Group” .

Example… She won’t be at the Bachelorette, she can certainly come to the Showers with your Mom, and the Rehearsal Dinner.  On the Day of the Wedding she can get dressed with your Family, and join you when they join you… be that at their Home, a Photo Site, or the Church (anotherwords when you are hanging with your GFs pre-wedding, she won’t naturally be part of that activity)

Hope this helps (or in the very least inspires you),

 

Post # 7
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

She’s a 14 year old acting like a 14 year old who will someday mature and be a grown up. Relationships change over time as siblings grow up. You are jepardizing your future relationship with your sister. It’s ok to back down or change your mind. The idea that you can’t ” back down” is just being stubborn. It’s a pretty big deal at any age not to be included but to a 14 year old girl it’s the end of the world. I think you should have included her.

Post # 8
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Im 34 and I have to say that my relationship with all my siblings has changed drastically and for the better as we have gotten older.

When she is getting married years from now, it’s possible that your relationship will have improved so much and you will forget about the brat you once saw her as. Don’t harbour any ill feeling towards her by refusing to ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Think of the future rather than the present. Besides as a Bridesmaid or Best Man she will likely behave herself and accept the responsibility of the role, whereas if she’s not asked she will likely get upset and try to spoil something after sooooo many people ask her “Why aren’up you a bridesmaid?” think about it.

Post # 9
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Just something to keep in mind…I was 14 when my sister got married ( she was 25 at the time), with there being such a huge age gap we were not very close at the time. However I was still a bridesmaid. Fast forward 10 years and she is my best friend and will be my maid of honour next year. Things change and I can guarantee you in 5 or 6 years, when she is a little older and you can relate to her..you will be friends. And you dont want to look back and regret your decision just because she is young now.

Post # 10
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think you are in the wrong here. Your friends may drift away from you but your sister will always be your sister, not including her is rude.Your FI’s sibling are being included, and that makes it all even worse, you should include her in your Bridal Party. 

I wasn’t sure i wanted to include my sister in mine, she’s actually older then me but she is full of drama, I didn’t want the added stress. Ultimately I decided it was better to just include her then cause problems that would ultimately cause more stress, don’t get me wrong I love my sister, but she is very high maintenance.

Post # 11
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Your parents have a point when they say “this will improve your relationship with her.” If you approach it as such, this can be an opportunity for her to do some maturing and for you to establish a better relationship with her. Conversely, as PPs have pointed out, if you stick to not having her in the bridal party, you really do risk doing serious and permanent damage.

And, as PPs have mentioned, if FIs siblings are 16 and 18 and are in the wedding, it will look like something is out of joint if she is not also included.

I would have a talk with your sister about how you will give her a second chance, but you will be looking for her to demonstrate maturity in the role. Let her know there will be some limitations (i.e. she will not be part of the bachelorette party, she is not to complain about dress, shoes, etc.), but include her.

FWIW: I also think your parents are in the wrong (your dad, specifically) for getting upset that you and Fiance are working as a team and that Fiance is involved in the planning! Preparing for a wedding should be a collaborative project, not the “women’s arena” – it’s practice for the kind of collaboration that has to happen in marriage!

Post # 12
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think its fair for anyone to say you are in the wrong or right…

This is your choice and its your wedding. I never had any sisters but I have 2 brothers. My oldest brother got married 5 years ago and he didnt have my younger brother in the wedding and it was fine…BUT now they are the best of friends.. So as the above bees have said, relationships do change over time. Just keep that in mind! Her feelings are probably hurt and she is very young. What about a junior bridesmaid or a personal attendant?? In my area personal attendants are very popular.. They just help you lace up your dress and make sure everything is perfect for you …. If she were to be a junior bridesmaid then she wouldnt have to be as involved as the rest of the girls but she will still feel honored… 

Post # 13
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t think it’s that big of a deal to just let your sister be in the bridal party. She is part of your immediate family, and she’s a kid. I think your expectations of her are unrealistic. Of course she’s upset or “immature” or whatever. She is a child. I know I was probably pretty dramatic when I was 14, as are most kids that age. My siblings are much younger then I am, but I would never dream of leaving them out. A few years ago, we weren’t that close, as they were still teenagers. But now the oldest one is in her 20’s, and we’ve become much closer, to the point where she will now be my maid of honor, where previously I swore it would be a friend. Friendships really don’t last, no matter how much you think they will.  But if you exclude your sister, that is something you will have to deal with forever. You will potentially never correct the damage from that, if you want to be close with her as she grows up and “matures.” It’s sort of hard to say that you and your Fiance don’t like your sister. I mean, she’s 14. 

Post # 14
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

OP: I’mjust going to keep it simple.  I agree with you and your fiancé.  I hope you find some happiness in the whole situation.

Post # 15
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

A larger issue is the DRAMA that will come IF she is a bridesmaid.

What excuse does at 14 YEAR OLD have for throwing temper tantrums???

What makes you all think she will not throw one when its time to choose a dress, shoes, and accessories? I can see your mother know getting angry at YOU because your sister’s being a brat and doesnt like her attire.

Bottom line, if you do not want to be emotionally  blackmailed, ignore all of them, life your life and enjoy the wedding you want.

However, if you wish to make your sister a JBM, let your mother know NOW you will not tolerate her bad behavior, she WILL be watching her on the wedding day, and if she does not behave right you WILL put her out the bridal party.

Post # 16
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I kinda agree with other posters, that there is more to consider than just who you are closest too.  It seems like making her a junior bridesmaid would be a good compromise.  She probably just wants to wear a pretty dress and stand in front of everyone.  This wouldn’t change the fact that she’s not really a bridesmaid, in the sense that you are defining the term.  I’ve realized with regard to my own family, that people often take a wedding as a way to become closer or more involved, even family members that had little to do with your life before. I don’t know why this is; if they think a wedding changes past relationships or if they really did think of themselves as close to you all along.  It’s just the way it is.  But if it’s that important to her, I don’t see why a little compromise would hurt.

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