- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
Hello lovely bees,
Like a lot of these type posts, I’m a first time poster, and I apologise in advance for the length and any spelling weirdness as I’m from NZ 🙂
I have a sister who is 14, she will be 15 when we marry. We have never been close, there is a significant age gap and we have completely different personalities that clash. She is a very immature 14 year old who still throws temper tantrums and there are screaming matches including her at my house most days. I have known for a long time that I don’t want her as my bridesmaid, as I feel it is an adult role, and a role for people who I am close to. My Fiance agrees with this view. My Fiance also does not particularly like my sister, nor does he get along with her, and I think my attitude towards her has affected his opinion of her.
My mum knew I was getting engaged, and before my Fiance proposed she had a few conversations with me begging me to ensure I included my sister in my bridal party, as she knew I was iffy about the whole thing and I told her that Fiance and I would think about it. After getting engaged we came to very definite conclusion that we didn’t want her. We concluded she was too immature, I would have to babysit her the whole time, and I’m not close to her, so to me ultimately it did not make sense to have her. I had a feeling she expected to be asked, so I figured I needed to address this fairly soon into our engagement.
Last Wednesday night I told my sister that although we love her, we feel a bridesmaid is more of an adult role, but we still want her involved so we would find another role for her that was important. She took it fine to my face, and I thought I was a good judge of how she took it, but apparently not. My parents pulled me aside the day after and told me that I needed to reconsider having her, as it would look bad in front of the rest of the family if I didn’t have her, having her would improve my relationship with her, and that since my Fiance is having his younger brothers I should have her (FI has two younger brothers, 18 yr old and a 16 year old, but apart from me, they are his best friends, so it would make sense for him to have them), and they got very angry with me and told me I had to have her. Things escalated and I left for FI’s crying.
We came back later, and tried to talk about the bridesmaid issue plus the issue that my mother is trying to control everything we do (but that is another issue entirely). They called me a princess and a bridezilla, and said that I am choosing my friends over my family (all three of my bridesmaids would be my close friends, one of them got married at the end of last year, and didn’t have me due to budget contraints, but I’m fine with that, I don’t think being a bridesmaid needs to be a recipricol thing but they think this a major issue and cannot fathom why I would want someone who didn’t have me in their bridal party). They also can’t understand why I don’t want her up there, and do not seem to think it matters whether we are close or not. They then announced they want her as a junior bridesmaid who would just stand up at the front on the day wearing a pretty dress, but I do not see the point in this, as she would not be helping in the lead up, and we feel bridesmaids should be a representation of who is closest to us, and we know will help keep us calm on the day and not provide extra stress. My dad also got angry at us because we said we were deciding this as a team, and my parents said when they got married my mum and her mum made all the decisions as it is a women’s area… I feel like this doesn’t suit us though, and we would rather make decisions as a team.
So ever since that talk to my little sister I’ve been told she has been crying lots and is devastated about not being a bridesmaid like she always dreamed. My parents are blanking me, and apparently other relatives on my mums side that my sister is close to are considering giving me the silent treatment (they are also close to me, and I feel very very sad that it has had this effect). Home is very isolating, no body is talking to me and I feel very depressed being here, but I’m trapped here at least till the end of the year when I graduate. I feel like we have gone too far and should stand our ground now, but I did not know it would have such a huge effect on how strongly my family feels about it. I’m unsure whether to now have her (but I feel this would be incredibly awkward and fake as we have already been firm about not having her), or whether to be just utterly miserable at home and the potential of people from my family not wanting to attend our wedding. However my bottom line is, my underlying feelings of not wanting her haven’t really changed.
The engagement from a family perspective just feels like a nightmare at the moment and is not at all how I pictured it 🙁 I don’t know what to do or where to go from here, any words/advice would be very much appreciated.
Thank-you for reading this if you made it to the bottom or even skimmed over it!!!