(Closed) deciding if your differences are too much to move forward

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
800 posts
Busy bee

I’m probably very young in your eyes so feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt. Every couple has their differences. If you were dating yourself it would be unbelievably dull! If you guys are compromising well and are making adjustments to yourselves for the better for the benefit of the other, I say you’re doing it right. If you’re comfortable with compromise and you’re in love and happy, I say move forward. I hope all works out, whatever you both decide!

Post # 4
800 posts
Busy bee

twu123:  then I think you’ve answered your own question. 🙂 if you legitimately can’t imagine your life without him, I think it’s worth it to move forward! My favorite line from my favorite romantic comedy is something along the lines of “I’m not here to say I can’t live without you. I can live without you. I just don’t want to.” Honestly, I think that if those are your feelings, and those will remain your feelings, you’ll battle through the differences. 🙂

Post # 5
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think in all relationships, there’s always going to be a time when you have to agree to disagree. My fiancé and I are not always on the same exact page when it comes to politics, but we have always been able to come to some kind of agreement. By talking things through, we realize we are more in agreement than we thought, it just takes more time for us to see it. I also think there are more important things to think about, such as, does this person have qualities that make a good spouse for me, do I want to share money and have financial responsibilities with this person, is this person going to be a good father (if you want kids), etc. Really, the only person who can decide whether your differences are okay or not is YOU. If you decide the differences are small in comparison to the love you have for each other, then you’ll be just fine! Best of luck to you. 

Post # 6
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Dh & I are different in temperament, but very much the same at the core.  Our values & politics line up beautifully.  Our differences are complimentary.  Where I slide into victim mode, he’s a natural problem solver.

As for money.  He can sqeeze an incredible amount of value out of a dollar & I’m a spender.  But, he’s always generous with me.  I want to make a lot more income than he cares about–a bit of a sticky point, but manageable.

Of all a couple’s differences, the one that causes the most trouble is money.  Do you feel your different views are negotiable?  If not, is he open to counseling? 

Opposites attract.  It sounds as if you’ve made it work with your differences.  Just watch out for the money issues that could trip you up.

Do you genuinely like each other?  If you weren’t lovers, is he someone you’d want in your life as a friend?  If so, I’d think you’re in basically good shape.

Post # 7
241 posts
Helper bee

twu123:  My SO and I are very different on a lot dimensions–race, culture, religion, temperament, etc. It works for the most part but there are definitely challenges particularly when it comes to dealing with the conflicts between us. We are doing a lot of soul-searching and researching before taking the next step. One book I found particularly interesting is Mixed Matches by Joel Crohn. It’s a bit dated, but is one of the book that definitely spoke to me. 

We also plan on working through a premarital education workbook before getting married. I would like to do counseling too, but have had difficulty finding one that’s not too religiously orientated.  

On the money issue, your SO sounds like mine and I’m definitely one that enjoys nice things on occasion. Over the years, we’ve definitely moved more in his dirction than mine, but that’s okay with me as I realize a solid foundation and freedom to do what we want is more important to me than stuff. We also have found a way to divide things such that I can do what I want with a set amount of money. As long as he doesn’t know exactly what those boots or handbags cost it doesn’t seem to bother him as much. 

Post # 9
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

twu123:  Ha, your husband is my perfect mate on paper!

I’d deal with each of these seperately:

Politics – since neither of you are active in politics, I don’t think this is a big deal, as long as you both honestly respect the other’s opinon (sounds like you do).  If i thought my Darling Husband was a racist, for example, I couldn’t respect his opinion and that’d be a real problem.  The key thing to remember when it comes to politics is that most of us want the same thing – a safe environment and a healthy economy where people can pursue happy, productive lives.  We just have different ideas about what policies and decisions will get us there. 

Money – this is a big one for me.  I could never marry someone who didn’t share my values around money because they are something so strongly engrained in me.  I want to be able to pool my resources with my partner and trust him completely.  I’ll bet your Darling Husband feels the same way.  You two should come up with a joint set of goals and a plan to get you there.  Sometimes it works well for couples to create an “allowance” for each spouse that they can spend as they like.  You would spend your allowance on nice clothes (or whatever) he would probably save his up.  On the big ticket items you’ll have to come to a compromise you can both live with.

Religion – I’m not religious so it’s hard for me to weigh in, but I give him credit that he’s willing to go through the motions with you.  If you are deaply faithful and he is not, I can easily see how it’d be a deal breaker.  If you are more the type to buy into the general idea of the religion and get a lot of benefit from contributing to the community, I can see how he can participate along side you without having a deep faith of his own.

On the general personality styles – ying and yang is a great thing and is probably why you two love each other so much.  You bring levity to his life, and he is your solid rock.  Sounds great. 

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