(Closed) Deciding NOT to have children?

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I made the decision not to have kids years ago, before I met my husband, and he’s on board with that decision.  He’d been on the fence before he and I even met, and while I think he would be a fantastic dad, I’m confident in my decision to not have kids, and in our decision to stick with that plan once we became a couple.

  Personally I don’t have the patience or temprament really needed to be a good mom, and while there’s definitely a chance I could feel that maternal instinct kick in and mellow me out, I don’t want to risk that never happening. We would be left with a kid, a crazy witch of a mom, and a dad stuck in the middle. Not exactly the right atmosphere for a healthy childhood or a healthy marriage.

There are also more selfish reasons: we both telecommute which allows us to travel extensively, as we can work from literally anywhere. While I don’t know how long this will last— I figure sooner or later one of us might have no choice but to take a traditional office job again– we both intend to enjoy it as much as we possibly can while it does last.  We also like money and sleeping, neither of which are exactly plentiful once the little ones start arriving.

Darling Husband has four neices and nephews so we’re not getting much pressure from his parents, but there is only one little one on my side of the family, my brother’s son, so my mom is really pushing for another grandkid.  It’s just not gonna happen, at least from me, and I’ve gotten used to just tuning her out.  It’s not even worth discussing when she brings it up because we’re never going to agree on these things and it’ll just lead to a big arguement, so it’s easiest if I just change the topic.

I love my nephew, and DH’s neices and nephews, and the kids of various neighbors and friends. I love them in very small doses. We had DH’s nephew and neice and two of our neighbor’s kids come for dinner and play time while DH’s sister was visiting and by the time they left, I was really happy to see them go. 

Post # 4
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m in the same boat. There have been moments when the question has really bothered me, but most of the time I don’t think about it. I’ve never had the urge to have children and the idea of pregnancy and childbirth is totally alien and even upsetting to me. I just can’t imagine myself experiencing those things. I’ve never looked at a baby and felt a twinge in my ovaries or anything like that. But for pretty much the same reasons you wrote, I can’t comfortably say “no, never.” I’m worried that I’ll miss out on the biggest experience that life offers, that I’ll regret it and feel lonely/unfulfilled when I’m older, that I’ll totally disappoint my parents. I’m worried that I’ll choose not to have a child when the reality is that if I did have a child, I’d know what I don’t know now, which is that it’s an experience not to be missed and I was crazy to ever consider not doing it. 

I’m in my early thirties so at some point in the not too distant future, time will make the decision if I don’t. My Fiance is equally ambivalent. I almost wish he really wanted to have kids so that would give me the push I’m lacking. Since I don’t have that compelling urge, I’m worried that I wouldn’t be equipped to handle all the challenges and frustrations of parenting and I’d wonder what I had gotten myself into when I could have just kept my pleasant, fulfilling life with hobbies, weekly dates, traveling, doing what I want when I want, etc. Not knowing is really hard. I’ve even read some books on the issue of motherhood ambivalence, but they didn’t really help clarify anything. I mean, it’s a roll of the dice, right? I’m not the gambling type, and this isn’t a decision you can take back. 

Post # 5
Member
4606 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

FH and I haven’t completely made up our mind yet because we’re 22 and we still have a while to go before we feel as though we need to make that choice, but we have and are leaning on the “no kids ever” side of the fence. Neither of us are kid people, we have lots of plans for travel and for education and kids have never been a factor in any of our future plans. 

Several factors have influenced our decision. For starters, our age. At 22, we don’t feel like we have to make that kind of life changing decision right now even with our upcoming wedding. Second, I’d like to graduate from college and further my education. By that time I should be about 25 or 26, as will FH, which we both feel will be a hectic enough time in our lives without children. There’s also our travel plans. We’re currently planning a trip to New York, and we’d also like to visit Ireland and Italy and many other places, and I can’t imagine we’d have as much fun with a child in tow. There’s also the fact that FH and I are not kid people. I don’t ohhh and awww over babies like some people do and to be perfectly honest, kids annoy me. I’ve had plenty of people tell me that it’s different when they’re yours, but the only difference that I can see is the fact that you get to be annoyed all the time. I have a short temper when it comes to kids. My friends have asked me to babysit and I just can’t. I’m also grossed out by slobber and poop and vomit. Pregnancy and childbirth are just unsettling to me and I can’t imagine going through that. 

My mom definitely isn’t thrilled that children are not in my plans, but I have a brother and he wants to have children. Other people have offered up plenty of “advice” in regards to our choices, but it’s something that you have to decide with your FH. 

I realize that one day a maternal instinct may roundhouse kick me in the ovaries and I may change my mind, but FH and I have both agreed that if we still don’t want children by the time we’re 32, we’re not having any. 

ETA: Even before FH I never had the urge to have children. 

Post # 6
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Much like you… I was on the fence throughout my 20s, while still thinking of it as “someday” and with no actual man in the picture lol.

I like kids, and I’ve become very fond of a couple of my nieces, but honestly, they annoy me too for the most part.  I hate playing Barbies, or endless rounds of peekaboo, or being hit with water balloons etc… etc… ad nauseam.

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting children, despite what those with children may tell you 🙂  I’d say for you, keep up with the travelling and active lifetstyle for now, and if you feel the same way in 3 years or so, be confident enough to decide “no kids”  You’ll only be 30, so that’s time enough for a pair before your self-imposed deadline of 33.

Post # 7
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Ugh I am in the worst turmoil right now about this!  Slightly different situation though as Dh really wants kids, and I already have an 8 year old.  I’m 30, he’s 32.

I knew going in hubby wanted a big family, and I think I had “tricked” myself into thinking I could have a baby or two, because I wanted it for him so bad, and everything in our lives were aligned just right for it.  But when the TTC time came…..OMG I just realized I.DO.NOT.WANT.A.BABY.  To the point that I have been prone to freaking out and crying when I thought about the idea of having a baby.  🙁

As much as I love my son, and miss him when he’s not with us, I have never been a kid person.  I never wanted any more besides him.  Nothing in me wants to go through pregnancy and labor, raising a baby, giving up our great life to exchange one for bottles and tantrums and caregiving.  The only reason I would have ever done it was for him. 

Obviously this isn’t fair to my hubby at all, who wants a baby badly.  He assures me he married me for me, and would rather have me if it came down to it, would never leave me, etc…but still.  I can’t just not let him have his wish he had for so long, yet we both agree that any baby should have parents who 110% wanted them there from the second they were born.

So, I gotta figure out what to do here.  Not fun.

Post # 8
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

we wavered a bit as of late because we just love our current life so much and i know i would be 100% happy as long as i always have him in my life. but then our nephews were born, and i held them and watched Fiance hold them, and i saw the way my bro and SIL were changed by having kids and it provided me with a lot of clarity as to what i want.

families come in all shapes and sizes, and i think its ok to not struggle over this right now. you dont want kids ATM and he doesnt either. i would just roll with it since you are on the same page, and i think you will come up with whats right for you guys in due time.

Post # 9
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I am 27 and my fiance is 45.  We absolutely do not want kids.  To me, kids are an extreme gamble in life, and if you don’t like the situation once you have kids, then there is no way to go back and change it.  No thanks, I will take my chances being alone in my old age over children any day!

Post # 10
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My husband and I have made the decision to not have kids, I will be getting my TL as soon as we have health insurance to cover it. It wasnt a difficult choice for us because I know I dont like the company of children, they are exhausting and my husband and I cherish our private time together. We love that we are the number 1 priority in each others lives and we have the time and hopefully the money (eventually) to nurture our passions in life.

Children become your whole life, they demand all your time and money and because of this I feel strongly that parenting should be something to go into ONLY if its what you are truly passionate about, because you will have to give up almost everything else in life that you enjoy to do it. While parenting is an extraordinary experience, it replaces many other extraordinary experiences you could have in life. You have to make a choice about whether you want to parent badly enough to give up almost everything else without feeling resentful or regretful. Its not a hobby, you cant change your mind or give it up if you dont like it.

So, if your only reason to have kids is that you are afraid of missing out, keep in mind that no matter what our decisions are in life you will inevitably miss out on the opportunities of the path not taken. You will miss out on parenting (which, while emotionally rewarding is often draining, thankless, and terribly hard work) but parents miss out on many things in life too, they spend their life sacrificing opportunities for career, travel, hobbies, etc for their kids.

Also keep in mind that it is not your job to provide anyone with grandkids if parenting isnt for you. You get one life, live it following your dreams and dont feel obligated to live a life you dont want just to make someone else happy.

I would also like to clarify that it is NOT selfish to want to make yourself happy. Nobody has any obligation to have kids, the world doesnt need more children and you dont have to have them just to prove you are a good person or valuable to society. It is only selfish if by your actions to make yourself happy you willfully hurt other people in the process. We are all allowed to do the things in life that make us happy, be it work freedom, travel, or hobbies, without being called selfish.

Post # 11
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

The older I get, the less I want children. I still am on the fence but I’d say currently it is 75% kids NO. While ask me 5 years ago- it was 99% kids YES.

Post # 12
Member
5963 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Childless by choice, never regret it, not one day!  I’m 30 and Mr. 99 is 38…we’re just not interested in it at all, we travel, we explore, we both have lots of hobbies, lots of friends and lots of parties and if I do need some time with kid, I have a veritable stable of them available to me at a moment’s notice for whatever, going to the zoo, seeing a Disney movie, shopping, paintball, whatever!  Why have when you can rent?

Post # 13
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m all for not having kids if you don’t want them, but at age 27, you have plenty of time to hike Denali and Kilimanjaro before you’re even close to being too old! My husband and I just did an 8 month backpacking trip around the world, and have a lot more trips we will be taking before TTC – and i’m 28/he’s 35. By The Way, Kilimanjaro was on our list until I talked to several people who have climbed it. It’s covered in trash and overcrowded/overpriced. You’ll be much better off on some of the pristine peaks of South America.

Kids aren’t the end of your world and your freedom. The # of families we saw doing extreme travel with us really drove home for us the idea that we can give our kids the world, too – just like we’ve given it to ourselves!

That said, definitely do what’s right for you!!

Post # 14
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@copewedding:  My Fiance and myself have already decided to not have children. We want to do certain things in life and children will interfear with this, also we really just aren’t big fans of children either. Do what makes YOU happy not what everyone else wants’ Don’t have a kid unless you want it, bottom line you have to take care of it when it gets here no one else so you need to make a decision based on you. 

Post # 15
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’m 29 and Fiance is 30 and we are staying childfree by choice!

I do not enjoy being around children and I have always known that having them is not for me. I love my Fiance, our cat and dog and having the freedom to do anything we want whenever we want. We have loads of places marked on our map to visit and so much to experience. I value my freedom more than anything.

 

Post # 16
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m 24, Darling Husband is 26 and we are CBC. Our aversion to children is so ridiculous, we’re better off not even trying. I want to go to a waterpark but the idea of the number of children who are going to be there, screaming and running around, turns me off. I have zero desire to have my own (I can’t understand why anybody would want children), and based on the feedback I received from a marriage community I’m a part of, I would most likely be a terrible mom.

you’re not the only one, OP, and you have plenty of time (6 years is plenty time) to decide if you want them or not. there’s nothing wrong with not wanting them.

The topic ‘Deciding NOT to have children?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors