Post # 1
I haven’t posted in the baby section yet as I haven’t got any lol but I am so confused about whether to or not!
My fiancé and I will be married this July, he is 33 and I’m 25 and are have both decided that children aren’t for us,however, I’m petrified that as I get older I will find that I have potentially made the wrong decision and regret not having them. On the other hand, once we do decided and the baby is born, that’s it, we have a baby whether we are happy or not.
Im not particularly maternal, I’m frightened of holding babies incase I drop them, i cannot stand vomit and run a mile from poo! I know these are silly things but I just can’t do it. I think tiny babies are gorgeous, but can’t take to toddlers, when they reach 13/14 they seeM much more adult and capable decent conversation! I know Fiance would secretly love kids and he would be a fantastic dad, but I feel selfish, he’s mine at the minute and I love being at the centre of each others world.
Did anyone else find the decision really hard or am I over complicating it? I haven’t had that rush of maternal-ism when I hold a baby, I really hope that something happens either way that will make the decision for me as I’m so afraid of making the wrong one for us! I know if we had children we would love them and probably thencouldn’t imagine life without them but at the minute, I just don’t want any.how long have we got to make this really important decision considering our ages ATM? Everyone I know that has kids loves them but wishes life were simpler, they literally take over your life, I don’t know if I can sacrifice that but then I think how great Christmases would be with kids! God, help me! Any advice please!!!
Post # 3
A lot of people, including myself, have this problem. Since you’re still young, I’d just try to relax about it. Enjoy your life as it OS now and if you get maternal urges in a few years (totally normal once the biological clock starts ticking), revisit the issue with your Fiance. Even tho it can be nice to plan out your life, I think this is just one of those cases where you have to wait and see how you both feel about it.
Post # 4
I have zero advice, but I had to comment because I’ve been going through the exact same thought process for YEARS now. Do I/don’t I? It’s so tough because, truly, there are huge pros and huge cons to both choices. And at the end of the day, if I choose not to have kids and wind up regretting it down the line, well, there’s nobody else suffering but me. But I’m terrified that I will find parenthood unbearably suffocating. I’m an only child, I’ve always been very independent and desperately need a healthy amount of my own personal space/”me time.” And “me time” just doesn’t exist when you have young kids. I’m scared that I would wind up resenting the incessant demands on my body, my sleep, my space, my time, and that the kid(s) would sense this. And I wouldn’t want to do that to anyone.
Post # 5
I didn’t get the baby fever until late twenties, early thirties. Biologically, you don’t really need to worry about declining fertilty until after 35. Even then it is totally possible, you just have a yearly uptick in chances for complications. I would talk to Fiance about giving yourself five years to think about it, with the opportunity to revisit the issue sooner if something changes for either of you.
There is always doubt with kids. This is a scary life transition. Some people want them, some don’t, but I think both choices are totally fine and frequently involve some doubt.
Post # 6
You have 10-15 years until you have to actually worry about it. At this point it sounds like you are not wanting to. I feel the same way but there’s no reason to worry about it now! Plus, it’s not like you can’t adopt in your 40’s if you change your mind.
Post # 7
My SO and I are still fairly young, 24 and 26 and we have decided that if we ever get to the point that we want kids, we’ll adopt. We’d most likely adopt older children (3 & up) because they tend to be the ones who are forgotten (that would also skip much of the baby ickiness not that I would be uncomfortable with it). We just know that there is a surplus of children on earth and we might as well give one a decent home if we are able to provide one.
Post # 8
I’m in the same boat, and currently leaning towards “no.” I enjoy sleeping, travelling, and spontaneous sex too much right now. We are going to revisit the issue when my SO is 35. We aren’t going to be having a child until both of us 100% want one because it’s only fair to the child that way, so it may just not happen.
Post # 9
@SweetChick: My best advice is.. don’t force it. If and when it is right you will know. I am going through this debate with Darling Husband and we go back and forth. We just decided to wait! I have to remind myself that my mother gave birth to my healthy sister at 42.
I forgot to add: we plan to adopt from foster care if and when we decide we are ready.
Post # 10
You do have lots of time still, so I wouldn’t worry. I’m 24 now (we both are) and at the moment neither of us wants or even really likes children. I just see so many awful ones and I hate them. If you change your mind, great, if not – lots of people don’t have kids. You’ll have more time to travel and do what you want.
Post # 11
You’ve got plenty of time.
I find that if I question my decision, it is because I was never sure of the decision to begin with. I think that you might change your mind as you get older and after you are married. Your biological clock starts ticking and you get mad baby fever. Ok, maybe that is just me.
Some people really just decide to live without kids. My sister is one of them. It really is a personal choice but I don’t think that ruling it out totally is a wise decision and if you’re doubtful, maybe re-open the discussion with your Fiancee and at least leave it as an option down the road, even though it may not be right for the two of you right now.
Post # 12
Thanks for the replies so far, I’m glad I’m not the only one in this position, it’s not an easy one to make is it? Yes I think breathing space on the topic is needed for a little while but it’s so hard for women, I haven’t started my career yet and I’m feeling pressured to make a choice as I’m concerned about the potential problems that can come with being an ‘older mum’. Blokes have it sooooo easy!
I absolutely love my life now, I adore my fiancé completely and as long as I have him it’s enough for me right now. Good luck to others making this tough decision.