(Closed) Decisions Not Good Enough…

posted 9 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

My mother does the same thing. She can’t "believe" how expensive things are because she "never paid that much" and I have to keep reminding her that she was married 25 years ago and prices for everything have evolved. I have to say, I feel your pain! I just kind of brush it off and tell her yes I know it is expensive, but i’m only doing this once and it isn’t like i’m being extravagant and then I try to get her interested in the other details besides the cost factor. Good Luck.

Post # 4
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I kind of have the same problem with my mom.  For the longest time, I wanted green bridesmaid dresses but then when it finally came down to it after getting engaged, I decided on brown with green flowers.

 My mom was still stuck on the green dresses and said that I was changing too much.  Whatever!  Then she didn’t like brown dresses with black tuxes, my centerpiece idea, etc, etc.

 Now, I’ve learned that the best thing to do is keep my mouth shut about EVERYTHING.  THis was the advice from a former bride. 

Bottom line is, it’s your wedding and you can do and should do whatever you want.

 Take the criticism with a grain of salt and enjoy your time being engaged.

 

Post # 5
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 9 years ago

Maybe it has to do with the economy? She thinks you’re spending money when you shouldn’t? Maybe she’s worried about the future? and when she says your sister knows better maybe she means your sister could know of a better deal that saves you $$$.

just a thought! 

Post # 6
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

While I can sympathize, I was wondering if you’d thought about it from the other perspective? It sounds like you’re doing most of the planning on your own, which is fine since you are paying for it and clearly we don’t know your mother the way you do, but…maybe she’s feeling hurt that she’s not involved more in the planning and this is her way of lashing out? Based on my own experience with my mom, my wedding is something that she’s dreamed about as much as I have!

Maybe it would help to invite her to go shopping with you, or to send her links to sites that have things you like, anything to get her input. It might even be helpful – if a little passive-aggresive 🙂 – to show her a site with (for example) your "dream necklace", and then show her the much cheaper one that you actually bought.

Post # 7
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I was thinking the same thing ast ES123. I don’t know your situation but if you are the first to get married it is a big deal for parents. They dream that their daughters will meet a man that will take care of them and get married. I was offering to help my parents pay for things but they opted (Bless them and bless the fact they were willing to pay) to pay for it themselves so they could give us something besides a gift it is memories of the planning with them and all of us together making decisions and making it the way they and I have dreamed for so long.

I agree with asking her to go shopping or asking her for her opinion and input. Hope this helps. Good Luck.

Post # 8
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

We were in the same exact boat, with none of our parents ever having a real wedding before. They had no clue how much a Los Angeles wedding cost.  After a few of those comments from my own mother, I told her to back off and that I wouldn’t tell her any more details if she didn’t respect my decisions.  I’m a tough cookie.  😉  And I did exactly that for a few months.

 I mean, she said my engagement ring was just okay! It’s a huge solitaire! She eventually realized how hurtful THAT was!

Anyway, my mother eventually came around and realized this was my dream wedding not hers and that I knew what I was doing.  And on the day of, I must say she was amazed at what we put together.

Unfortunately and fortunately, weddings really do bring out the best and worst of people.

Lots of luck.  Hugs.

Post # 9
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You are 28 years old and paying for your own wedding which is a major accomplishment. Yes your family should be supportive. But obviously that is not happening. I would tell your family to get on board with being supportive and enthusiastic or quit telling them details. It really is not necessary for them to be involved. Many times hostility may be coming from issues outside of the wedding. Is your mom having personal issues (health, finances, work issues)? Does she know that even though you are not asking for help financially her opinion still is valued? If all else fails just don’t discuss the wedding details with those who obviously are not wanting to hear or be asked about it.

Post # 10
Member
13 posts
Newbee

Is your sister (or another sibling) sympathetic when your mother is critical? Or anyone else who knows your mother and can reassure you that she’s being crazy and out of line?   

I think the people who suggest that your mom might be upset at not paying and not (via paying) being more involved are probably on to something; on the other hand, I think you’ve got great principles that you enjoy and should continue to stick to.  Independence is a valuable virtue. 

I think a lot of brides’ families tell them awfully weird and hurtful things.  When my sister was married four years ago at the age of 22, our mother was very involved in planning the wedding as well as full of some heavy criticism: for instance, after my Wisconsin brother-in-law’s parents offered to pay for wine in addition to champagne, my mother went into a tear about what kind of alcoholics is my sister marrying in to.  Fortunately for me, getting married at 26 and with only a small check from my parents, my mother has been very uninvolved and makes nice noises at the handful of photos I send her.  I still find that my phone calls with her go down better with a beer.

Post # 11
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Have you had an honest talk with your mom about how she’s making you feel?  Weddings are big transitions for everyone, so you may be surprised to learn what your mom is feeling and thinking.

Just an example…my dad was being pretty weird about everything wedding-related.  Anytime I brought up the wedding, he’d get almost cold and detatched.  After putting it off as long as possible, I finally talked to him about it.  I was shocked to learn all the concerns and worries my dad had.  Turns out, it was pretty tough on him that his "baby girl" was getting married, so talking things out really helped.  Good luck!!!

Post # 13
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

This definitely sounds like its a touchy subject with your Mom.  I’d definitely agree about trying to get her to be more involved.  While I don’t really share in your pain, I know I would be crushed if my Mom or my sisters hated or turned down my ideas.  One thing you have to remember is that these are YOUR choices and its YOUR wedding, I’m sure your Mom will eventually realize that and get over it.  I know my biggest struggle is that my Mom and Dad are paying for most of the wedding, when we disagree on an idea I feel guilty because they are footing the bill.  I’m sure it will all work out in the end, good luck and congrats on your engagement!

Post # 14
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Peony80- i can so relate to this post! My fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves and have set (what some would call) a tiny budget. My mom has these grand visions of what my wedding "should be" and when the day comes she thinks I’ll be disappointed by my own decisions. (what?) Apparently she thinks I dont have much sense either. She thinks I need to have a huge ballroom wedding with a poofy dress. I’ve always wanted a simple outdoor ceremony and airy chiffon dress.

 My mother and I also have completely different tastes so I dont understand why she thought I would like everything she picked out. She then gets upset when I tell her I dont like what she picked.. I dunno. Somehow I feel like we’ll never win with our mothers. I did end up buyng the dress she liked, but so far thats about it. I feel bad because she’s dreamed about my wedding longer than I have.. but I also want my wedding to reflect my fiance and I.. not her tastes

The one thing that did go well was picking out centerpieces… We actually agreed on something! Maybe you should try that.

Post # 15
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Wow, I feel your pain on this but in a bit of a different way.  My Mom and I are fairly close – and she is open to letting me do what I’d like (within our budge, of course) for the wedding!  She has been pretty helpful so far since I’m getting married in my hometown (small, about 50,000 people) and not here in Chicago. 

My issue is with my Dad.  He made a comment to my fiance once saying "thanks for making us go broke paying for your wedding."  My fiance kind of laughed at at, since he and my dad joke a lot.  But I was irate.  I called him the next morning and told him it really hurt my feelings and if they don’t want to pay for anything, they don’t have to.  He apologized, but now it doesn’t seem like anything has changed.  My parents are paying for a litte over half of my wedding – basically my dress and the reception (all under 10K).  And my fiance and I are paying for the rest.  Now, with everything related to the wedding, my dad acts like he doesn’t care or is always asking how much things cost then rolling his eyes.  I know the budget, I’m very good with money and very into the whole DIY, so I’d at least like some credit for not asking them to fork over tens of thousands of dollars.  Plus, I’m the baby girl and have 2 older brothers that got married in a big city and my parents only had to pay for the groom’s dinner (which they still bitched about).  Ugh.  It is just disappointing and hurts.   

Granted, he may be sad that he is ‘losing’ his only daughter, but what a crappy way to show it. 

Wow, that made me feel much better! 

Peony80 – I feel for you.  I hope she comes around and is more excited for you!!

Post # 16
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

My Future Mother-In-Law does this.  For all kinds of decisions we make she will say "I know you said you were going to do x, but, if you changed your mind, here is what my suggestion would be."  It drives me nuts!!!  I feel your pain!

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