(Closed) Decline Brother’s Wedding Invitation Due To Cost

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

Wow, that’s a hard one. I agree that that is a super pricey wedding, and I think if you talk to your brother about just you (or just you and your husband if there is someone to watch the kids) attending, he might have a better reaction than your mom. Did you point out the cost to your mom?

Post # 4
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Ouch. Like bellagio said, did you point out the cost?? I agree that that is a lot of money to spend on people you barely know, family or not. I like your idea of just you attending. What is the issue if your H and kids don’t come?? What was your mom’s reasoning? Besides “you’re family.”

Post # 5
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am sorry you don’t have a close relationship with your brother, but he is your closest family. Plus his wedding is not only about him, but about your parents as well…

I can’t advise you on what to do since it is a lot of money and as you said, you are not very close to him. I can only say that your whole family would feel your absence and would probably be very sad because of it.

Post # 6
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Honestly I would have no problem if my brother in law (sister’s husband) didn’t attend my wedding. I would like him to be there but if he wasn’t able to travel due to financial concerns I would understand. I would be bothered if she couldn’t make it even though she will have to fly in and spend a decent amount of money. 

Post # 7
Member
46408 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Would you consider attending with your husband? You could get friends or family to look after the kids.

I think this would be a good compromise-allow you to attend the wedding , but not be quite so expensive.  It might be a nice little  getaway for you and your husband.

Do you have any friends or family to stay with in New York?

I would hope that my siblings would attend my wedding.

 

Post # 8
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

How long until the wedding?  Do you have time to start saving?  It seems to me that your brother and his new wife should understand the financial burden of bring the whole family once it is explained.  “The whole family or no one at all” idea doesn’t seem to make much since.  Tell your mom that unless she would like to pay for the whole family to come, she can count on just you being there.

Post # 9
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow, the only suggestion I had as I was reading your post was to just go by yourself & leave Darling Husband and kids at home…but it looks like that might not cut it.

Have you talked to your brother about this? I’d talk to him, instead of your mom. Like my mom is flipping out a little because my BIL (my sister’s husband) may not make it to our ceremony because he is in a long-time friend’s wedding on the same day. But I actually don’t care – I love him to pieces, and I understand he has known this friend forever. As long as he comes to some part of the day, that’s all I ask.

So, my point is, your brother might not necessarily feel as strongly about it as your mom. I would suggest that you talk to him and let him know that you might be the only one who can make it from your family, and see how he takes it.

Post # 10
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. But if you can and just don’t think it’s worth it I think you should reconsider. Even if you aren’t close to your brother, not going to the wedding may ensure that you never will be. 

Post # 11
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

There isn’t going to be any way to make everyone happy, no. I don’t think you’re being selfish, and I think the best thing you can do is stand your ground and attend on your own, no matter how much your mother squawks about it.

I’m actually trying to make a similar decision myself, so I do know it’s tough to feel like you’re letting people down. But you can’t let other people guilt you into making major financial decisions the way they want you to. It’s not their money!

I hope it works out, good luck!

Post # 12
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

If you speak to your mom again, she may have calmed down a little and may understand your point a little better. I think moms and grandmas look forward to having the family all together in one place as much (if not more than) the wedding itself. I’m sure her initial reaction was one of disappointment.

You and your husband should both try to make the wedding, if your mom wants the kids there so badly, maybe she could help pay for their flights.

Post # 13
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with what the other bees said. Maybe only you and your husband should attend the wedding or ask your mother to help you out. Personnaly, I wouldn’t expect the whole family to travel so far away especially if your children are you young and don’t really have any connection with your brother.

Post # 14
Member
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Neither of my brothers came to my first wedding and I doubt they will come to this one.

If you cannot afford it you cannot afford it.

Post # 15
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I would say that if it is important to you to attend, it is perfectly acceptable to attend alone, and if your mom presses, then tell her to bankroll your family’s airfare.  😀

Post # 16
Member
311 posts
Helper bee

I just declined attending my FBIL’s wedding due to cost and holiday time.  I was really worried he would flip, but so far so good 🙂 

I think you’re being completely reasonable, and how can he be upset with you if it’s a financial thing? 

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