Post # 1
My brother is getting married in NY. I live closer to the west coast. I haven’t ever really kept a close relationship with him. His fiance doesn’t have any immidiate family and I’ve never met her before. They want me to fly my family of 5 to NY for the wedding. This will cost us $2,500 alone in airfare, now add in NY hotels, food, taxi’s etc. This, I think, is a rather pricey invitation for a couple I barely know.
I’ve talked to my mom that perhaps it would be best if I just attend the wedding, leaving my husband and kids at home due to finances and the fact that I’m somewhat estranged from my brother. My mom went through the roof and insisted that all family members attend the wedding, it would hurt my brother and especially hurt his fiance as we are her new family.
Is there a polite way to address my concerns? Am I being selfish to weigh the financial cost vs. the family-ties cost? I guess I would never ask someone to spend over $3,000 to attend my wedding, is there a polite way to point that out to the bride and groom?
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
Wow, that’s a hard one. I agree that that is a super pricey wedding, and I think if you talk to your brother about just you (or just you and your husband if there is someone to watch the kids) attending, he might have a better reaction than your mom. Did you point out the cost to your mom?
Post # 4
Ouch. Like bellagio said, did you point out the cost?? I agree that that is a lot of money to spend on people you barely know, family or not. I like your idea of just you attending. What is the issue if your H and kids don’t come?? What was your mom’s reasoning? Besides “you’re family.”
Post # 5
I am sorry you don’t have a close relationship with your brother, but he is your closest family. Plus his wedding is not only about him, but about your parents as well…
I can’t advise you on what to do since it is a lot of money and as you said, you are not very close to him. I can only say that your whole family would feel your absence and would probably be very sad because of it.
Post # 6
Honestly I would have no problem if my brother in law (sister’s husband) didn’t attend my wedding. I would like him to be there but if he wasn’t able to travel due to financial concerns I would understand. I would be bothered if she couldn’t make it even though she will have to fly in and spend a decent amount of money.
Post # 7
Would you consider attending with your husband? You could get friends or family to look after the kids.
I think this would be a good compromise-allow you to attend the wedding , but not be quite so expensive. It might be a nice little getaway for you and your husband.
Do you have any friends or family to stay with in New York?
I would hope that my siblings would attend my wedding.
Post # 8
How long until the wedding? Do you have time to start saving? It seems to me that your brother and his new wife should understand the financial burden of bring the whole family once it is explained. “The whole family or no one at all” idea doesn’t seem to make much since. Tell your mom that unless she would like to pay for the whole family to come, she can count on just you being there.
Post # 9
Wow, the only suggestion I had as I was reading your post was to just go by yourself & leave Darling Husband and kids at home…but it looks like that might not cut it.
Have you talked to your brother about this? I’d talk to him, instead of your mom. Like my mom is flipping out a little because my BIL (my sister’s husband) may not make it to our ceremony because he is in a long-time friend’s wedding on the same day. But I actually don’t care – I love him to pieces, and I understand he has known this friend forever. As long as he comes to some part of the day, that’s all I ask.
So, my point is, your brother might not necessarily feel as strongly about it as your mom. I would suggest that you talk to him and let him know that you might be the only one who can make it from your family, and see how he takes it.
Post # 10
If you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. But if you can and just don’t think it’s worth it I think you should reconsider. Even if you aren’t close to your brother, not going to the wedding may ensure that you never will be.
Post # 11
There isn’t going to be any way to make everyone happy, no. I don’t think you’re being selfish, and I think the best thing you can do is stand your ground and attend on your own, no matter how much your mother squawks about it.
I’m actually trying to make a similar decision myself, so I do know it’s tough to feel like you’re letting people down. But you can’t let other people guilt you into making major financial decisions the way they want you to. It’s not their money!
I hope it works out, good luck!
Post # 12
If you speak to your mom again, she may have calmed down a little and may understand your point a little better. I think moms and grandmas look forward to having the family all together in one place as much (if not more than) the wedding itself. I’m sure her initial reaction was one of disappointment.
You and your husband should both try to make the wedding, if your mom wants the kids there so badly, maybe she could help pay for their flights.
Post # 13
I agree with what the other bees said. Maybe only you and your husband should attend the wedding or ask your mother to help you out. Personnaly, I wouldn’t expect the whole family to travel so far away especially if your children are you young and don’t really have any connection with your brother.
Post # 14
Neither of my brothers came to my first wedding and I doubt they will come to this one.
If you cannot afford it you cannot afford it.
Post # 15
I would say that if it is important to you to attend, it is perfectly acceptable to attend alone, and if your mom presses, then tell her to bankroll your family’s airfare. 😀
Post # 16
I just declined attending my FBIL’s wedding due to cost and holiday time. I was really worried he would flip, but so far so good 🙂
I think you’re being completely reasonable, and how can he be upset with you if it’s a financial thing?