(Closed) Declining a wedding: how much to spend on a gift?

posted 3 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 2
1970 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

You already gave a $130 gift. I would give nothing. If you’re declining how are they paying for your plate? That’s messed up to invite you under those circumstances so I don’t see why you owe them a gift. Big nope from me. Not your problem that they chose a $250 per plate meal. 

Post # 3
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2025 - City, State

You’ve already given a very generous gift to people you don’t even know.  Decline and be done with it.

Post # 4
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You already spend $130 more than you should have. Also, the shower gift IS the wedding gift. The shower just makes it easier on the couple for not having to transport gifts on the wedding day. 

A gift should be based on how close you are to the person and your budget. You are not close to this person so you shouldn’t be getting the a gift. Plus you already got them a wedding gift. 

Not only do you have no plate to cover because you are declining but that isn’t the rule anyway. The couple’s budget does not dictate your budget. 

I understand that some people feel pressured to invite people they aren’t close to so I won’t be mad at them, but I wish they would stop. 

Post # 5
345 posts
Helper bee

I would not give a second gift, you were already more than generous with your shower gift. A nice card wishing them well in their marriage along with your RSVP response of “not attending” is more than sufficient.

Post # 6
30388 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would send a card with my heeartfelt best wishes. A $130 shower gift is over the top for someone you don’t know well.

Post # 8
13548 posts
Honey Beekeeper

There is no obligation to give anything if you do not attend. A wedding gift is connected to only two things, closeness of relationship and budget. If I care about a couple I will give a gift of equivalent value whether I can attend or not. Cover the plate is a gross concept and has never had anything to do with etiquette. 

In this case, I would either be offended to actually hear I was a courtesy invite or not have expected an invitation in the first place. Needless to say, no need for any gift at all in that case. 

View original reply
impatient1 :  While showers are optional, shower and wedding gifts are normally two separate things. Shower gifts are brought to the shower, but I agree it is most considerate to send wedding gifts ahead of the wedding. 

However, in this situation I’d agree that the very generous shower gift was already more than enough. 

Post # 9
676 posts
Busy bee

I would write a nice card alongside my decline RSVP, thanking for the invite, declining, wishing them all the best and saying hope you get good use out of / enjoy / whatever  the [shower gift] you got them!


Please don’t spend any more money on a courtesy invite – that’s really not fair on you

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