Post # 1
My fiance and I are planning to get civilly married (for visa papers, so that we can stay together in the same country) and my parents insist on being present to the court marriage. Unfortunately they live 8000 miles away, and have given me painful heartaches over my relationship from the beginning. They have grown to eventually accept my relationship, but they insist on being very controlling, even though their hearts are in the right place. Although I know that the civil marriage is for a time sensitive issue, it does mean a lot to me, and I dont want to be stressed or disappointed by whatever expressions or things they might say if they were to be present. I dont want to hurt my parents feelings, and I will still be having a wedding afterwards where they can be involved and “give me away”, but Im not sure how to express this properly to them without feeling selfish myself. Advice?
Post # 2
I think this may have to be a do it and then tell afterwards- if you need to be married in a hurry do it – if they don’t consider that a proper wedding then they will loook forward to celebrating and being part of your ‘big day’. If they supported you they would understand that you have to do this for legal reasons
Post # 3
I would just tell them it’s going to be a very small affair and it’s not worth them traveling so far for. But make it clear there’ll be another, bigger celebration that you want them involved with
Post # 4
blueskiestinyroses : I would do it and then tell them afterwards. They are 8000 miles away that’s so far away.
Post # 5
I imagine they want to be present because the civil ceremony is, after all, the actual marriage ceremony and the big party later is , though important, merely a post wedding celebration . Of course they want to see you actually be married .
I would NOT just do it and then let them find out later , I would tell them where and when , remind them of the big celebration later and then leave the getting to the civil ceremony entirely up to them.
Set your mind against whatever negativity they may or may not say – don’t respond, don’t engage Doesn’t matter , its about you and him .
Post # 6
blueskiestinyroses : I would advise you to be certain that the host country will honor the marraige as a means to avoid deportation. Beyond that, this is a very wrong reason to get married, love or not. Your parents aren’t just messing with you in this. Be very certain the host country will then grant – what is it you want – permanent visas? Very certain. Your parents aren’t just messing with you in this. I would bet that their concerns are regarding cultural differences, and/or religious differences, and that you may think you are prepared to accept them, but you aren’t, and he isn’t, and his family wouldn’t be, either.
Post # 7
I think it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission in this circumstance. We “eloped” a few weeks ago (using quotes because our families knew, but it was just the two of us) and it was 100% perfect and fun and stress free without the drama of both of our divorced/remarried/can’t-stand-each-other sets of parents on both sides. While I know they would have preferred to be there, they respected our decision and the day was truly about US
Do what’s best for you, and it sounds like you’d be happier without them there. Nobody is entitled to be at anyone’s ceremony besides the bride and groom (maybe unless they’re paying)
Post # 8
This is an opportunity for you to set some boundaries and break the relationship you describe as controlling. It’s between you and your Fiance. Tell them that and thank them for respecting your wishes. End of discussion. If they try some emotional blackmail or draw you in to discussions just keep repeating your line and tell them regretabilty you’ll have to end the call if they continue on a line your directly ask them to stop. You can do this!