(Closed) Defensive Friend – What to Do Now???

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2297 posts
Buzzing bee

If I was in your shoes, I would stop giving her advice and trying to help. It sounds rather mean, but there’a little to no sense in trying to help her when she is ignoring everything you say about him. She is an adult who is apparently making poor decisions. You’ve tried to warn her and help her, so you’ve done your job as a friend; it’s all on her now. She has more than enough information to make a choice about what she wants to do, so there’s not much left for you to say or do. In fact, she already has made her choice — she chose him and his crazy behavior. 

If she stays like this, I would, at the very least, take a break from her. At most, I would just end the friendship. Again, it may seem harsh, but there aren’t many good reasons for keeping someone like that around when they cause so much stress. 

Post # 6
1270 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

I can relate to this. I have had to distance myself (and finally drop) a friend I have known more than half my life, because of all the chaos that comes with her. She herself has a drug/alcohol problem, gets into trouble with the law, has a boyfriend who lies and steal money from people, I could go on and on, there is a laundry list with this girl.

I was supportive as I could be until it started to really take a toll on myself. I went back and forth trying to be supportive of her, straightforward with her, and completely distance myself from her. I have had to realize that she doesn’t want to do any better for herself. I think it would of been easier on me to be straightforward with her about my feelings from the start, and just cut her off after that. I cut her off completely recently. I wish I had done it sooner. Would of saved me lots of wasted energy. If she wants to change her life some day, she has to want it for herself, and do it on her own. If she gets to that point, she will eventually realize you were just trying to be a good friend, and maybe you guys can have a healthier relationship. Good for you for expressing your concern for her. I think that is an important thing to do.

Post # 7
2748 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@mrs_pudding_pop:  I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think that it would be in your best interest to distance yourself. If you want to try and save the friendship, maybe you could have a heart to heart with her to air out the issues between y’all. Only you know how that would be received.

Post # 9
2297 posts
Buzzing bee

@mrs_pudding_pop:  I think that’s the right decision.

Leave her to her drama, and you can get on with your life without all the negativity. 

Post # 10
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I can’t say after your initial post that I’m surprised by her reaction of throwing everything she sees wrong with you back at you. Passive-aggression seems to be her M.O. I agree with the others that not giving her any advice, not acknowledging what’s wrong with her life, etc., is the best policy – along with distancing yourself in general, of course.

If you do ever strike up your friendship again in the future, I’d practice bland responses for any of her ‘dramatic’ complaints and the like. A simple, “Hm, that’s unfortunate,” or “So sad to hear, hey, how about (blank),” should suffice. It’ll start training her to talk to you differently if she expects certain responses.

Though with someone who’s this dense and who has such low self-esteem, you’re probably better off moving on. I had ONE friend – one – and several acquaintances. I still dumped my buddy because in the end, even though I didn’t (and stole don’t) have anyone else, I was still much better off without him.

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