(Closed) Defensive?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Did he ever live by himself?  Was his mother always cleaning up after him?  In college freshman year I lived in a suite with one girl who did not know how to function because she was so used to having her mother do everything for her.  She would even do things like leave the TV on when she left for class, we would come home to an empty suite with the TV on.  We would ask her who she thought would turn the TV off and it became clear her mother did EVERYTHING for her.  We helped her figure it out and by the end of the first semester she was a somewhat fundctional adult.

I don’t know how old you are or where else he has lived but he might just be used to other people doing everything for him and expect ou to do the same.  You have to sit him down and explain to him how your time is also being taken up with work and other things, but that you both still need to make an effort so that your home is a clean / hygenic place to live.  Maybe hire someone to do the big tasks, but putting away dishes and food, or lifting /lowering the toliet seat is something he needs to be doing for himself and for you.

Post # 17
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

He is being completely disrespectful of you. I would not accept this.

It’s not a matter of him being a messy person. I was a very messy person in my single life. I’d clean up because of my roommates, but not as much as I should have, and oh boy, you did not want to see my room or my apartment when my roommates were away. So I’m saying that I GET the perspective of a profoundly messy person.

However, this was BEFORE I began dating my Fiance. I of course cleaned up when we were began dating, because you don’t want your new boyfriend to realize how much of a mess you are. But then, when I moved in with him, I completely changed my living habits and became a clean person. At first it was mostly me wanting to impress him, but now I’ve gotten used to our house being clean, and I like it. There are times where I’d love to just leave the dishes in the sink after dinner, or not put away my clean clothes, or not clean up the grease on the stove, but I know that he is a very clean person who doesn’t like any sort of mess, so I respect him enough to clean up after myself (except when I’m feeling particularly tired or sick, and then I’ll take up his offer to help clean up).

My point is, it’s as simple as that – you have to respect your partner enough to clean up after yourself. If it was just him not taking out the garbage enough, or helping out with the laundry enough, that would still be annoying but wouldn’t be a big deal. However, this is just ridiculous.

I would not accept it at all. I would tell him that I am not cleaning up after him anymore, however I am also not going to live in that kind of mess. I would not come home until he cleaned up, and if he didn’t clean up by the time I had to be completely out of the old house, I would kick him out (or just my own place if kicking him out is not feasable).

Honestly, he seems like a child, making messes and not cleaning them up because he knows his mommy is going to clean up after him anyway.

Post # 18
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I would not live with him. Well personally I wouldn’t date someone that disgusting, but in this scenario I just would not move in with him. He can be filthy at his own place by himself. Under no circumstances would I be able to live under those conditions.

Sit down and tell him that his behavior is both disrespectful and inconsiderate, and him cleaning up after himself is non-negotiable. You aren’t his mom it caregiver.

Post # 19
7372 posts
Busy Beekeeper

julies1949:  I fail to understand why women are with men who live like pigs (or vice versa). Sorry, no help from me.

Please stop making sense.

Post # 20
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I don’t think the issue is defensiveness. Why is an adult man peeing and pooping on surfaces that are not the center of the toilet? Why does he not notice his kitchen is filled with dirty rotten food and grease? I would not move in with this guy, I would actually insist he see a doctor in case there is something wrong with his bodily functions, or with his vision or sense of smell, bc that honestly sounds way beyond normal.

Post # 21
1937 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

It doesn’t sound like a defensiveness problem, it sounds like he’s unhappy with your relationship dynamic.

I’m a bit of a Betty Draper myself (although I DO work) so I’m not hating on the domestic roles women can take on at all and I Hate to say it, but it looks like your husband wants more of a housewife than a working woman.

Was he raised in that dynamic? It’s not OK for him to just not help you, but I wonder if his defensiveness is a result of reality setting in as far as the roles in the house are concerned.

You need to have a serious talk about what your expectations are for roles and go from there. He’s an adult, he can clean up after himself.


Post # 22
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would deal with this by making him your ex-SO. 

Post # 23
3352 posts
Sugar bee

This has nothing to do with him being defensive. +1000 to what everyone else has already said.

Post # 24
4237 posts
Honey bee

You say he’s been like this for years? GIRL, NO. You deserve more than a man who is too lazy to literally clean up his shit. I would deal with this by moving out and enjoying my own clean, fresh apartment. 

Literally no one wants to come home after a long day and clean but that’s being an adult. Most people work 40+ hours each week and manage to no having rotting food in the kitchen or pee stained bathrooms. 

Post # 25
47204 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

bklynbridetobe:  All of my patients know that pee and poop goes in the toilet, not on it. Even in the ER, normal people are embarssed to death if they have accidents and make a mess. Those people ask for a cloth or paper towels to clean up after themselves. The OP’s SO can do the same (only get the cloth and disinfectant himself)

Post # 26
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m sorry you are going through that. Working 40 hours a week while still cleaning when you are home is called being an adult. 

Post # 29
1600 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think that you also have to consider the lifestyle your SO lived before you guys lived together. Everyone is brought up in a different family, with different idea’s of clean. For example, I grew up with a stay at home mom who was probably a little OCD. Our house was immaculate at all times, but my mom worked her ass off, and put a lot of stress on us to keep things clean. My Darling Husband on the other hand, came from a family where both parents had very important jobs, and had a live in caregiver for my Darling Husband and his brother. In addition to the caregiver, they had and still have a house cleaner. Even with the house cleaner coming once a week, their house is never as clean as my parents. When my Darling Husband moved away to university, he lived with 4 varsity football players who again lived in filth. When we bought our house and moved in together, I had complaints about DH’s cleanliness and laziness. Yes, he would leave dishes in the sink, constantly mess up couch cushions, not pick up his dirty clothes, etc. I tried to tackle one complaint at a time. If you just freak out and list off the things he’s not doing, itll seem overwhelming and he may get defensive. If you focus on one thing and approach it in less of an attack way, he may respond better. After 2 years of living together, I’d almost say my Darling Husband is cleaner than me. He has learned that life is easier when you keep things clean and organized. He even loves to load and unload the dishwasher, and gets mad at ME when I don’t group my forks, knives and spoons properly in the dishwasher, making it harder for him to put them away lol. My point in this rant is that some people can change, they just need to be shown how, and why being clean is better in the long run. 

Post # 30
929 posts
Busy bee

Sorry, not sure what advice to really give. My SO does a ton around the house. We are in the process of moving as well and I cannot even count how many times he has soley cleaned up the house for showings. If he didnt help around the house, I would have confronted him a long time ago. I couldnt live with a man who didnt chip in.

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