(Closed) Defensive?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
1125 posts
Bumble bee

He may be defensive, and you are upset for good reason, but you also sound quite resentful when speaking to him about it. Telling him you work longer hours, and go to class, and don’t “just sit at a desk” is clearly not working or making any difference, so I would stop bringing it up. If he doesn’t care about the mess, you nagging alone won’t make him want to change. 

I’d definitely get him to hire a weekly cleaner, just to avoid these issues. And about the mail: can you put a basket by the front door that he can throw the mail in? I’m assuming it’s not important stuff. Even if it is, maybe if he misses an important letter/bill once, he’ll stop doing what he’s doing. For unpacking…set out scheduled time on a day off for both of you, and just do it together. I find it easier to clean if my husband is also cleaning with me!

Post # 32
281 posts
Helper bee

You had to clean his pee and POOP off the toliet? What the heck??? Are you dating a three year old? Even my cats have better bathroom habits.

Leave. Just leave. This goes beyond the “mommy did everything for me” syndrome.

Post # 33
255 posts
Helper bee

spiffy80schick:  Seems to be like you got a lazy bum on you’re hands. This is the type of man who morphs into the drunk sitting on the sofa while the baby is scream asking you to get him another beer in my personal opinion. If he’s unable to use the washroom and aim into the toliet bowl my question would be whats wrong with him? I wouldn’t spend half of my time cleaning up after a man child. He seems gross, and I wouldn’t live with him NO WAY.

Post # 34
3408 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I completely disagree that the only solution is to break up with him. Everyone has flaws. He’s messy and defensive — not the end of the world. It seems absurd that after all you’ve been through with this man, you should just give up and move back out because he’s messy. 

OP, I hope you’re right that it did finally click with him. What I think you should consider is creating a chore chart together. Get a cute little chalkboard and hang it up in the kitchen like a decoration. I’m the past, bringing it up has only led to yelling so it’s time to try a new tactic.

Work together and discuss how busy each of you are, what chores you prefer or don’t prefer, etc. If you both despise doing laundry, you could both be in charge of it (make Friday nights a Netflix night and do laundry together during them) or you could trade off who is in charge of laundry.

Consider how much each time each chore takes, and make rules about how long dishes can be left in the sink. Things like that.

And phrase what you’re saying differently this time since in the past mentioning it hasn’t worked. Say something like “Look, we are both busy and I love you and hate how much time we have wasted fighting over unpacking and chores. I looked online and found out some couples make chore charts so that they don’t fight as much about these things. Do you think maybe we could make a chore chart together?” 

As far as boxes go, I would either do it with him, or split up the boxes somehow “these are yours to unpack, those are mine, and on Saturday we will work together to unpack the rest”.

Also the toilet thing is very unfortunate 🙁 I’m sorry. That’s disgusting. Again, not a black and white deal breaker for me. But ew.

Post # 35
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

spiffy80schick:  you may be able to hire an independent person who cleans houses to help you unpack and clean (and hand your guy the bill lol). i would ask for recommendations from friends/family. even if their cleaning person can’t help, most of them have friends that are always looking for extra cash. 

we’ve had our cleaning lady for years, and on many occassions my parents have hired her (or a friend of hers) to help with non-cleaning things – help with parties, help my mom re-organize all the closets…etc. 

however, i do think that even if you find someone who he pays to help you unpack and clean the house etc… it’s only a bandaid. enough bees have told you to dump him already, so i won’t. but he’s a grown man, he probably isn’t going to “grow out of it”. i do think you’ll need to find another way to approach the chores and cleaning. even if it’s making a chart or something like you’d do for a child (since that’s how he’s behaving right now). good luck bee!  

Post # 36
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Ya you could hire a cleaning person but no cleaning person is going to want to clean pee and poo off the toilet either, that’s digusting.  Cleaning up your poo is like basic sanitary skills.  Not sure how there is even pee and poo to be cleaned up, does he not know how to use the toilet? 

I always thought a cleaning person was for like dusting and mopping floors, not getting rid of moldy food and feces

I wouldn’t even be nice about this, if my husband did this, he wouldn’t be allowed to go to bed until it was clean.

Post # 37
728 posts
Busy bee

My Fiance and I had different expectations on cleaning & household upkeep when we moved in together. His mom was a Stay-At-Home Mom & did all of that for his family. Both of my parents worked so it was a different situation for me. We’ve had major arguements over this in the past. It has gotten much better, he does the dishes, does laundry, picks up around the house. I’m more of the one who deep cleans. I’ve accepted that he is probably not ever going to be on the exact same page is me on that type of thing but we have met much more in the middle. I would advise having a serious conversation when no arguement is going on and calmly explaining your points to him. Then when things happen point them out, as calmly as possible, as examples. (much easier said than done, I defintely don’t always take my own advice on that). 

Post # 38
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

WesterosBarbie:  Betty Draper had a full-time housekeeper LOL

Post # 40
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am hesitant to ask this, but am also dying of morbid curiosity. would you mind elaborating on the poop clean up? Did your bf “miss” the toilet or something?

Post # 43
171 posts
Blushing bee

If I were in your shoes I would hire a cleaning lady. You won’t be able to change him. And since you love him and are not interested in leaving him this seems like the easiest solution. I know I coulnd’t live like that or be responsible for all the cleaning, so to me that small amount of money is more than worth the stress. 

Post # 44
2171 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

He’s lazy, plain and simple. Also, he obviously doesn’t have any respect for his belongings, home and partner if he doesn’t lift a finger to help. I don’t know if there is anything you can do to change his behavior or thinking. Especially if you’ve been taking care of everything while you’ve been together, I promise you he won’t change. 

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