(Closed) Definitely a TMI post–Need Advice Please

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

few questions:

-how do you know he “typically” watches it before you get home? (the way its read is you caught him ONCE and jumped to these conclusions)

-has he always watched or has his habits changed recently along with his performance?

-ask him if you can sit down and talk frank about sex. this shouldn’t be before OR after sex.

Post # 4
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Okay, as they say around here, take a breath:)  Your husband is 40,  not 29 and these things start to happen from time to time at his age.  And as much as it makes you feel like shit, or that you’re not turning him on, it’s not about you at all.  Also, he feels way worse about than you do. And it’s a vicious cycle because if it happens once, it just deflates (no pun intended) the ego and then he’s mentally freaked out and then it happens again and again.

But it can be fixed.  I would say take the stress off him for a while.  Make out but don’t try and make love.  He’s probably freaking out and that’s why he’s using the porn.  But just try to do whatever you can to get him relaxed and don’t dwell on how unsatisfied you are right now.  It will stress him out more. Take the oral, use your hand, whatever but take the pressure off him.

Also, my husband and I had a similar issue when we were dating and it turned out to be a timing problem.  He has a job that is so physically demanding that he exhaused every evening, which is when I want it the most and he had performance issues and I felt like shit and that I was not attractive to him.  So, we switched to mornings (not a problem for me) and things have been fine ever since. And he’s 52 years old and I’m 44. 

So, all is not lost.  I think you can work this out on your own, but if not definitely consult a real therapist and everything will work out fine.  This is just a temporary problem.

Post # 5
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@vmec: I agree with everything you posted.

Definitely try to sit down and talk to him in a calm, non confrontational way.  Like @vmec said, do it over lunch or something.  Don’t do it in the bedroom, and don’t do it before or after sex – you don’t want him associating confrontation or the bedroom with sex.

Post # 9
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@clane616: so the porn watching is not the issue *at all* Don’t dwell on that any longer. If he’s ALWAYS done it, the same amount porn has nothing to do with his performance.

I agree on the age thing… it’s gonna happen. It’s life. I also think you should approach the topic of viagra. Has he openly claimed to despise it, or refuse to take it. I don’t know how exactly you approach, but I think it may be time to discuss the potential need (or future need of it!).

 

Post # 10
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@clane616: That’s a good idea. Because I’m 44 I can tell you that 29 has no way of knowing what 40 feels like.  It’s when that first ice-pick of fear slides into your brain and you realize your youth is gone.  Sucks for sure but it happens to us all:)

Anyway, I know how high the emotions can run because my husband and I fought about this issue until we could calm down and figure out what the problem was.  He was feeling less than adequate and I was feeling less than sexy, plus like you, I like sex every day and I’m not that into oral either.

So, try to chill and one more thing I learned by going through this: if it happens again, don’t try and comfort him by saying something like “Oh baby, it’s okay”  My husband would get SO pissed.  Best thing to do, just say oh well and change the subject. Fast!  Men hate to be pitied. Okay, so good luck and I’m sure you can work this out. 

By The Way, your husband probably does not need Viagra.  He’s too young for that.

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