Post # 1
When I moved to WA in August of 2011, it was with the intent that we would get married someday. I was looking into schools to transfer to, to finish my BAE. For financial reasons I ended up attending an online school. We still live togeather, have a cat togeather, and in every way share our lives togeather….except for marriage. He has reminded me that I said that I did not want to get married until I had graduated college. I was 18 when I said this. I am 24 years old now. I never thought that I would still be an undergraduate at 24 years old.
Unless I am able to finish a class a week, I won’t be able to begin student teaching next winter as planned, but will be delayed until September 2014, meaning that I won’t graduate until early spring of 2015. With this in mind, this also delays our marriage by another 2-3 years, at least.
I know that in the span of a lifetime togeather, 2-3 years is a blink of an eye and therefore shouldn’t really matter since we are already spending our lives togeather…but it does. I can’t really logically reason out why this is.
We both want children and are both aware of the possible complications that I may encounter in becoming pregnant, but we both agreed that we don’t want children until I have graduated, and worked for a couple of years (financial reasons). At this rate, I will graduate when I am 26 years old. We ideally wanted to have three children, beginning TC at 27 years old (for me). Now it looks like we wouldn’t be able to begin TTC until age 30 or so, if we stuck to our plan.
As far as waiting for an engagement goes, he is waiting until about a year before we would ideally get married to propose and does not want me to propose (he is very adament about this).
Does anyone have any insight or words of wisdom for me? I am feeling so confused right now.
Post # 3
@nerdybee: Honey that’s the rush? You are only 24 and you are worried about TTC at age 30? There are plenty of people who aren’t even with the right person at age 30! I was 29 when I met my SO and just got engaged a week ago. I will be 32 when I get married and TTC then! I really think you have nothing to worry about as long as you know he’s the one.
Post # 4
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I am a little scared that either I won’t be able to concieve or that the pregnancy will be complicated by this issue.
Post # 5
@nerdybee: I would just do a courthouse type wedding/elopement. For me it’s about the sentiment, not having a one day blowout party. You’re living as husband and wife, so make it official. Money you save from not having a big wedding can go towards savings so you can start TTC as soon as possible (hopefully before you’re 30).
Post # 6
We arent able to do a big wedding, and honestly even if we could I’m not sure that’s the route we’d go, because we really want a home!
Post # 7
My SO wants to have a moderate sized wedding, because of his family. We are saving money now, but we would like for it to go towards a downpayment on a house (our rent has been increasing by a couple hundred dollars for the past couple of years).
Has anyone with endometriosis had children at, or after age 30? Can you tell me about your experiences? Should I forgo wanting to be married first, tell him that we can wait until after we have children, and just TTC withien the first year or two after graduating? Should we forgo buying a house until our second or third child?
Post # 8
What if you told him you’ve changed your mind about waiting until graduation because graduating it taking so much longer than expected?
Post # 9
@nerdybee: why doesn’t he want to get married? What makes you think he’d want to have children if he doesnt want to get married?
Post # 10
@wwbga: he does want to get married, but we decided when I was 18 that we would wait until I graduated. So much has happened since then.
If we got married before graduation, it would have to be next year when I am doing PCE, because my academic (assigned) mentor has told me that it is highly unadvisable during student teaching.
I have told him that getting married sooner is fine, but he doesn’t believe that that is what I really want.
Post # 11
@nerdybee: It sounds like you know what your priorities are, and that they’ve changed from the priorities you had at 18 (of course! how’s haven’t).
I personally don’t see anything wrong with getting married before you graduate, so long as you can afford the wedding.
As for TTC, fertility issues are a solid consideration, but some have no trouble conceiving at 38 (the age both my mother and my Fiance mother had their last children) others struggle at 25,it’s personal. Again I would stress that you need to know your priorities and your SO’s. Unfortunately most women have to choose when they are young if kids or a career is the bigger priority in that moment. If having children is a big priority then maybe seek a fertility specialist to see if you even need to be concerned? Just a thought.
But most of all, talk to your SO about what you both want out of life and try to come to an agreement on what order those things need to come in.
Post # 12
I think you just need to communicate (easier said than done, I know). You need to sit him down and really share your feelings. Tell him how much you love living your life with him and want to take the next step and make it official. Tell him, I know this is not what I said 6 years ago, but I expected to graduate by 22-23, so getting married by 25 and TTC by 28 all seemed like a reasonable life plan. But I’m older and I’m frustrated about not having graduated and I couldn’t have predicted back then how strongly I would feel now. I want to be your wife (ASAP) and I’m mature enough to plan to have it at a time that doesn’t interfere with student teaching etc. I feel like graduating it delaying my personal happiness (not that I’m not happy) and I don’t want that.
And see how he feels, maybe ask him if you were graduated right now, when would he see himself getting married – this will show if his hesitation is really about your issues or if he himself just hasn’t been thinking abt it and can’t deal with it yet.. good luck
Post # 13
I would ask him why he is so serious about keeping you to your words? Before I met my hubs I had planned to meet someone at 22 and be married at 26. Weirdly enough, it happened. Except it’s not so perfect. I couldn’t finish college but got a decent job. I am now 27 and I just felt my biological clock starting to tick. I actually ha to drop out of college cuz I couldn’t afford and it took me a while to get a good job. When I could actually start making payments, its was too late to set up a payment plan and I was asked to pay lump sums that I couldn’t afford. After 3 years of dating and 2 of those years living together eventhough we were happy just living together and agreeing that marriage wasn’t necessary, i found myself wondering how much he actually meant it. To add the the load, he had told me that he couldn’t even think of marrying me with my awful loan debt situation , I thought I was doomed. I had to learn to deal with the situation and I had to be happy with our situation and hoped that he would stick to his words of commitment. After the 3 year mark I really started to wonder if we would make it without being married in the long run. Even if we just got engaged, it just would give me the sense of some sort of commitment.
However I was totally blindsided when he proposed 6 months later. Eventhough a good friend of his had a hand in planting the idea of marrying me because my hubs found me to be his perfect match but he felt my financial situation was not a deal breaker but rather a fear for him. Love won and we got married.
Which brings me back to your case. I left off at being married by 26, we would like to have 2 kids so I wanted to start at 28 and be done with kids by 30. However, hubs job is not as stable as we would like, to purchase a house and we cannot or I will not have kids until we can buy a house. We just found out that he may not be able to change his job for at least another year now so my timeline is already gone. I say you can make a timeline, but use it as a guide. You cannot plan or prepare for everything. Financial status however, will have a big effect on your married life. I say stablish careers first, then a home. That’s a good base for starting the rest of your lives together.
Post # 14
@nerdybee: Life never happens the way you thought it would be, even if you did plan it. Try not to get frustrated, keep your chin up, and enjoy each day! I will be 30 next year and I remember telling people I would “DIE IF I WASN’T MARRIED BY 28.”
Things happen for a reason!
You should NOT, SHOULD NOT SHOULD NOT start having children before getting married. I’m sorry, if he wants to build a family with you- he needs to make a commitment to you for the rest of your lives to be a family, before you start bringing other human beings into it.
Sounds like you’ve got a lot on your mind about your future in total. If I was in your shoes: tell honey you’ve changed your mind and are ready to get married now, that you’re dead serious about that. Save for the wedding, then keep saving for the down payment on a house. After you get married, THEN start trying for a child. If children happen before home ownership, great. If not, you can’t say you didn’t try.
P.S.- THANK GOD I WASN’T MARRIED AT 28! 😉
Post # 15
Do you have financial aid? If you do, talk to a financial aid advisor about how getting married will affect your aid before you go and get married.
Post # 16
@nerdybee: why rushing so much ? ill be 30 when i graduatw and im still waiting for a proposal…