Post # 1
I have a situation and would like opinions on how to handle it. One of my bridesmaids, Rachel told me that she would like to bring her on again/off again sorta boyfriend, Mike, to my wedding. They have been “seeing” each other for four years and fight constantly. I see Rachel multiple times a month and have only met Mike once. The one and only time I met him, he was very rude to me. Rachel said that he was drunk and didn’t remember, I let it go, but it left a bad taste in my mouth. Last year, Rachel was in a friend’s wedding and told me Mike would not go to the wedding with her because the last wedding he was at, he got drunk and got into a fist fight. He also has a drinking problem that she’s constantly making excuses for. All of our friends feel poorly about this guy, and we have all expressed this to Rachel, but she continues to go back time and time again.
So I made the mistake of inviting everyone with a guest. She told me last week that she planning on bringing Mike but hasn’t RSVP’ed yet. After knowing what I know, I don’t want him to come. I’m nervous he will get into a fight or be rude to us on our big day. I don’t want to spoil this experience for her either. All of our friends are married, and we were the last remaining two left. Now she’s the only single one left and I know how she feels, but I really don’t want this guy coming.
I’m less than two months out and haven’t had any wedding drama, and would like to keep that way. Any advice on how to handle this?????
Post # 3
@meowbride: That is a crappy situation. How many people will be at your wedding? If it is more than a minimal amount, you likely won’t have to interact with him much.
Post # 4
@meowbride: Honestly, I don’t think there is any way you can tell her no. You gave her a plus one and she is allowed to use as she wants. You can’t really say, “you can bring a guest, but you can’t bring your boyfriend”. That’s not really how it works :-
I would suggest letting two male members of your family/friends know about this guy. If they see him getting out of hand, I would ask them to remove him and her from your wedding. That way, a situation gets handled quickly and no one makes a scene.
When you say “he wouldn’t go to the wedding with her due to a fist fight”, who choose not to bring him? Did Rachel say he couldn’t go or did the guy say he wouldn’t go? I would speak with Rachel about it and ask her to please make sure his drinking doesnt get out of hand – or both of them will be asked to leave. I understand she’s a bridesmaid but she has to take responsibliity for her guest and if he gets out of control, she needs to provide him a way home.
Post # 5
Let her bring him. You’ve allowed all your other guests +1s, so you can’t exclude your own bridesmaid from that.
One of my bridesmaid has been dating a complete jerk for several years now. The guy has never liked me, has been rude to me, has excluded our friend in situations because he’s gay, and the like. He’s a complete dick. I still gave my bridesmaid a +1 because I did so for everyone else. Now, her boyfriend didn’t attend thankfully, but even if he had, oh well. I would have smiled and nodded and moved on.
You really won’t have to spend lots of time with him. And unless he’s a complete trainwreck, I doubt he gets into drunken fights everywhere he goes.
Post # 6
@HannahGrace: It’s looking like 80-100 people. thank you for your feedback!!!
@weatherbug: yeah, that’s why it’s so hard, because I wanted to be able to invite everyone with a guest, so I feel like I can’t dictate who she decides to bring. I’m very irritated that she thinks this would be a good idea. This guy deals with a lot of issues, so the last wedding he was at, he got very anxious and drank too much and got belligerent. He then went on strike after that because he was afraid that he would be able to control himself. That scares me, so I guess I’ll talk to her and just say that it’s a concern of mine. Another friend is going to make a comment to her about her bringing him, but she gets very defensive about this dysfunctional relationship. I feel bad for her because she just can’t seem to break free.
Post # 7
@meowbride: Realistically, you may have a dozen or more “Mikes” at your wedding, ready to get drunk and pick fights with other guests. This is a risk that a hostess takes, and exposes her guests to, when she decides to delegate responsibility for her guest-list to the guests themselves by using “and guest” invitation instead of finding out who the various escorts are and inviting them (or not) herself.
The saving grace that about Rachel’s Mike, as opposed to all those other potentially drunken fighting guests, is that you know about him, and can be prepared. Ideally, you have a close trustworthy friend who is a Marine MP, or a seventh-degree black-belt, or very persuasive with drunks. Seat that person at the same table as Mike and give him a prior warning that Mike might need to be removed. Send that nice person a boutonnier or corsage on the day, with a note of thanks for being willing to take on an awkward task for you. And then forget about Mike as much as possible, and enjoy your wedding.
Post # 8
@meowbride: I’ll probably get flamed for this butttttt … You know that person in your group of friends who is a total type A bossy pants bitch and everyone is a little afraid of her? Get that person to tell Rachel “Bride mentioned you are inviting Mike as your plus one … Are you sure that’s a good idea? He got into a fight at another wedding, he drinks too much, he was rude to Bride. Please don’t risk him acting like an ass and ruining our friend’s special day.”
Post # 9
It could be a good idea to have a chat and rather than ask her not to bring him, ask her if she’s going to be okay looking after him and whether he’ll be alright while she’s performing her maid duties.
This way you can subtly figure out if he will be controlled enough to not get into a fight, and whether SHE’S worried at all.
I don’t know what your evening situation is, but if they will needing to drive home, you could suggest she ask him to drive, as she’ll be having champagne with you whilst getting ready and so on. That way he’ll be sober at least.
Post # 10
I think his attendance is inevitable but tell Rachel that you won’t tolerate any sh**. I would tip off strong male friends/ family members and the bartender. At our reception I plan on informing the bartenders of the 2 drunkards and telling them not to serve anyone who is getting out of hand. If they cause trouble, my correctional officer cousins will remove them. I’m not playing around! Let them know who is boss!
Post # 11
I don’t see why he shouldn’t come. I think you should just have an honest conversation with her, maybe tell her that she can bring who ever she wants but if he comes he can’t drink?
Post # 12
@meowbride: Make sure you have gentlemen OTHER THAN your groom who are aware of the situation and would have no problem “escorting” him out and/or discretely calling the cops.
She can go bail him out, then.
Post # 13
Bahahahaha! We all have one of those girls, love it 🙂
Post # 14
You could say that you are asking the bridal party not to bring +1s unless they are close enough friends to warrant their own invitation since you will be sitting on the bridal table.
Post # 15
@meowbride: That’s a tough one, but I think that because everyone was invited with a guest it is going be really hard for you to un-invite him without looking like the bad guy. That’s not to say that I think he should come, he sounds like a douche who needs to be in AA, but that aside, what’s done is done. Rachel wants him to come and she has every right now to expect that she have the option of bringing him. I think your next move is preemptive damage control. Have a trusted friend tip off the bartenders that this guy is a violent drunk and should absolutely, under no circumstances be over served. Bartenders generally appreciate having that kind of info, because they don’t want a scene either. (I’m in a wedding this summer and both the bride and groom have a couple relatives with drinking issues whom they don’t want being over served. Those relatives will be given wrist bands for the open bar. The wrist bands will be a sign for the bartenders that those guests should not get more than, say, 4 drinks.)
Post # 16
@meowbride: @Mademoiselle-G: +1
The best thing you can do is plan ahead for anything that you think could go wrong. Figure out who you want to be responsible for tipping off the bartender about this guy and the person/people who are going to get him out of there if he does make a scene and talk to them well in advance of the wedding. Don’t try to do any of this on the day or week-of. You’ll be so crazy busy with everything else that you won’t have time to deal with it.
Also, try not to worry about it (or anything else) too much. Every detail seems so big now, but it will all come together and once it’s all said and done you’ll wonder why it stressed you out in the first place. 🙂 I hope that doesn’t sound preachy, but I know it’s something I could have benefited from hearing when I was planning my wedding.