(Closed) Demise of a friendship after getting engaged

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1889 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

One good thing about getting engaged is that even if some of your single friends may have some jealousy issues (which is what it sounds like with this girl), you can go out and make friends with other couples.  I find that a lot of our friends that are now in couples have similar issues with their single friends maybe feeling like a “third wheel” and they are really happy to have other couples to go out on double (or triple) dates with.  So even though it is sad that this girl is not being friendly to you, it is an opportunity to make new friends or strengthen old relationships as well.

Post # 18
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have 2 long distance friends that have suddenly become impossible to get a hold of now.  I wanted one girl to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, called and called her but she never returned my calls so I gave up on her.  The other girl I will text but she never responded to any of my texts when they were wedding related.  I don’t understand either of them, but I’m worried that I am also losing their friendships ๐Ÿ™

Post # 20
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I have one fairly new friend who seems a bit jealous about our upcoming wedding. I think part of it is that the guy she is dating waivers on the level of commitment he wants from her. I try to talk about the wedding too much because I can tell it upsets her. On the flip side, if I don’t talk about it, she gets super sensitive and feels like I am not “sharing” enough with her.

Post # 21
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Yup, that definitely happened for me. One of my friends in particular (my best friend for a while) gradually moved away when I started dating my now-husband and openly opposed our engagement (she said it was too soon and we needed to “take off your rose colored glasses”). She agreed to be my Maid/Matron of Honor still, but our friendship hasn’t been the same since. I think part of it was the natural distance from lifestyle changes. When we were both in college, we used to talk for hours a day online or on the phone. Once I started full-time ministry and a serious relationship, I couldn’t do that and the friendship just didn’t make it through the transition. Now she’s engaged to be married this summer, in grad school, and dealing with family issues, so maybe she understands better, but at this point I think we’ve just grown apart too much. So yeah, it’s pretty common I think, but still one of the sucky parts of growing up ๐Ÿ˜›

Post # 22
Member
2979 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Losing a friend is always such a horrible thing to do thru, but I’ve posted on other boards about how I truly believe that if someone cannot be happy for you and treat you with love and respect then they in no way deserve your friendship. I’ve mentioned that I let go of a friend who was my best friend of over 8 years. When I was single she seemed to like me better, even though she was engaged herself at the time. She told me that “I was a bitch when I had a boyfriend.” When my now Fiance met her for the first time he couldn’t believe that I was friends with such a mean person. Once we were seroius as a couple she got worse until I finally said enough. Point of the story? You are definitely NOT alone! A good friend is very hard to find. Jealously and insecurity can really do a number on those who we once considered friends. It still hurts though, but in the end you will be better off.

Post # 23
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Gosh, I can totally relate to this! My best friend for over 10 years has never been good at being happy for others if she doesn’t have the same things in her life at that moment. As i’m planning to get married things have changed between us because she is VERY unhappy with her life. Though I am not completely through this situation yet, I know that the distance between our lives is going to make room for much stronger friendships. I agree with others..If your friends or family can’t find it within themselves to be happy for you then they have to live with that misery…it should not be shared. I’m tired of down playing my successes and not talking about exciting things just because my fiend is miserable…it has gotten old fast.

Post # 24
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I feel my not yet engaged best friends have been acting really distant and I am very careful not to mention weddings to them unless they bring it up first. However, one of my married friends (FI’s best friends wife) is now ALL OVER me, texting me all the time, wanting to meet for coffee, go out dancing, go dress shopping, discuss wedding plans etc etc.. it’s quite funny cos we were never very close but now that I’m engaged she’s my new best friend?? I guess cos she’s already been there andd done that it excites her more. It’s fun to have someone like that!

Post # 25
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I was in a friend’s wedding this past August and her Maid/Matron of Honor acted the same exact way throughout the planning.  They kind of made up, but then when said friend got pregnant, the weirdness started back up again.

Post # 26
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Eight6Eleven: I second everything you wrote… I have a friend like that right now…or shall I say had a friend.

Post # 27
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sorry this post is long….

This is quite comforting and also quite disturbing to read all of these stories. I hate female/female competition and jealousy. So. Much.

I’m 31 and the last of most of my friends to get married. I was there watching it all happen around me, feeling annoyed with the shenanigans, and frustrated with my own relationships. Later I concluded that being married or single didn’t matter and just focused on other things for a while. Then I met my fiance playing in a band, and three years later we got engaged!

Neither of us wanted to have a wedding, just a small civil service. Our families kind of insisted that we did a big wedding, so we’ve been trying to roll with it and have fun. One of the reasons I did not want a wedding was because I knew it I would get sucked into it, and I might become annoying about it. I didn’t want to alienate any friends. If i need to vent about the wedding, i find a married friend to talk to.

There is a girl I am close to, but not one that i’ve known long, maybe about a year. We’ve both been in multi-year cohabitation relationships, both have health problems, both are interested in many of the same things. We’ve leaned on each other when no one else understands.

She really wants her guy to propose and have a big white wedding. She picked out her dress 4 years ago! He has bad anxiety that makes the idea of standing up in front of tons of people terrifying so he doesn’t want a wedding. I can relate to her boyfriend more than her, because I have bad anxiety too and never wanted a wedding, yet I’m having one. I still empathize with her desire for a wedding though, and I hope she does get to do it someday. I’m afraid she thinks this is unfair, but what can I do? I want her to know that weddings don’t define you as a person, but she’ll just think “easy for you to say.” 

We’ve always been buds since day one, calling and texting daily. (She lives 45 minutes away from me.) Now I can’t get her to respond to my texts, calls, emails. She’s become gradually harder to get together with. I’m torn up inside because I’m worried she sees me the way I saw my wedding obsessed friends in my 20s, and I’ve tried so hard not to be like that.

I always wondered why people in couples were only friends with other couples. I thought it was discrimination against singles. Now I see that the singles can be just as much to blame by alienating themselves even when couples WANT to be friends.

How can I avoid perpetuating the bullshit stereotype that if you’re not married then you’ve failed? How can I prevent jealousy? I’ve done everything I can to downplay this wedding to her or not mention it at all. I even explained to her that I’m not having any bridesmaids, so she doesn’t think I left her out. Sigh. I give up!!!!

Post # 28
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Eight6Eleven:  wow, i can relate to this a lot..did you end up getting over it? feeling better? not missing that friend? 

Post # 30
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I lost my friendship with my best friend when she got engaged. I feel like it’s often the single friends who get a bad rap in these situations.

In my case, the friendshp fell apart because my friend became a bridezilla to the point that I felt like I didn’t know her anymore. She was making a lot of decisions that were very out of character. Her sister was also a very “fiscally-demanding” Maid of Honor, and I was the only bridesmaid who spoke my mind against spending so much money on the shower, which made me the black sheep bridesmaid throughout the whole wedding process.

Our relationship didn’t weather the resulting emotional storm well at all. I still miss her, and I think about her a lot, but it’s been 3 years since we’ve spoken and I don’t feel the relationship can be repaired. I wish things had turned out differently, but they say everything happens for a reason.

Post # 31
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Gorse Hill, Surrey, UK

From the opposite perspective, I was insanely jealous when my best friend got engaged. I just couldnt find it in myself to be happy for her as she was getting everything that I wanted. 

 

I look back on this now and I feel like such a b*……

 

It took a lot of soul searching and a huge appology, but we are best friends still ๐Ÿ™‚

 

I just don’t know what came over me. All I have ever wnated is to get married, it’s the only thing I have never changed my mind about. I change my mind about my career, my style, my car, where I want to live etc, almost every day, but a marraige has always been top of my list. I just couldnt control my anger and jealousy that my friend who had stuck by me through school and beynd was getting everything I wanted, and getting it before me! I was always the one who had long term relationships and wanted to settle down, and then suddnely it wasnt me who was settling down any more. 

 

it took about a year for me to finally get over it, but on the day she walked down the aisle I beamed at her so much because i really was thrilled. 

 

Sometimes, people let their feelings and their own wants get the better of them. I’m not usually a selfish person but that was probably the most selfish I have ever been and I’m not proud. 

 

I admited all this to my friend about 3 years after her wedding, and all she said was I covered it up well! I thought I was awful!

 

Dont let it get you down, she’ll either come round or she wasnt a true friend any way. If she valued your support she’ll suck it up ๐Ÿ™‚ 

 

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