(Closed) Demote 1 of 2 MOHs?? Help, wedding in 2 weeks!

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

if it’s just verbal, does it make that big a difference to you to potentially hurt your friendship? would you have her wear another dress? it might be a tad late for that. how about giving a special shout out to your sis during the thank you speech instead.

Post # 4
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

At this point, I don’t think it would accomplish much besides hurting your friend’s feelings. Just have your sister stand next to you, and the friend stand after her. That can at least show the order of helpfulness they have been to you.

Post # 5
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t think this is a good idea.  How would you go about telling your friend? Hey, you’ve done less than my sister so I’m going to make you just a regular bridesmaid!  I think that will just cause unnecessary hurt.  I think you just thank your sister profusely for all her help and call it a day.  You can get her a special gift.  But I don’t see any reason to verbally take down your other Maid/Matron of Honor.  If she’s having a bunch of personal issues, then it sounds like she has a lot going on and adding this to her may not be a good solution.  Honestly if she helped plan the party for you, that’s a lot, and she is under no obligation to help with all those other things.  It’s great your little sister did, but I don’t see it as enough reason to demote your friend.  GL and congrats on your wedding being so close!

Post # 6
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It seems really pointless with your wedding being 2 weeks away. It would only cause hurt feelings and a possible fight. What would be the purpose?

 We have to expect that our weddings are not a first priority on anyone’s list-I certianly don’t expect any of my BM/MOH to think that. They are there to support me as much as they can throughout the planning/and big day-but they are not there to put thier lives on hold for me. Your friend has just moved, and has other things going on…  you as her friend should be understanding to that. You are lucky that you have your sister and I would just leave it at that.

Post # 7
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

What is the point?  Just because someone hasn’t done as much as another person doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy of their title any more.  This would hurt her feelings big time!  Most Maid/Matron of Honor don’t do that much but oversee the planning of a shower and bach party and might help with a few tasks.  But really that isn’t a requirement.

I was the Maid/Matron of Honor in my brother’s wedding.  The week of the wedding my SIL decided to make another girl co-MOH.  In her words this other girl helped her out so much.  This was a slap in my face because I was the one who hosted and paid for her bach party.  Spent a grand on her party.  Not to mention help with lots of other wedding related tasks.  I can’t tell you how crushed I was.  I understood that this other girl had helped her but it was like sending out a message on the loud speaker that vintage is a loser and I had to have someone else step up. 

Just don’t go there.  You want everyone to be happy for you in the next few days not hating you.  After the wedding is over you’re not going to care about who helped with what.  All you’ll care about is that you’re married!

Post # 8
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I agree with the other posters.  Honestly, I’d let it go.  You’re so close to the wedding date and it sounds like she’s really got a ton on her plate right now too.  I can understand someone having a lot of personal issues and moving to a new city and everything and maybe not being interested in wedding stuff.  If you value your friendship with her, I don’t see that anything is accomplished by verbally demoting your Maid/Matron of Honor bc she hasnt helped you enough during this stressful time in her life. 

Post # 9
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m with everyone else. If you want her to help with more stuff, ASK. Don’t just assume she will volunteer. Just try and relax, and sort out the things that need to be done for your wedding, so you can focus your time on not freaking out on the day of. 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I had almost the exact same situation (and it was worse during the wedding, believe me), but I’m glad I didn’t do it.  Part of my situation was worse b/c not only was my other Maid/Matron of Honor being uninvolved while my 8 months pregnant sister was bending over backward, she was also being kind of rude to me and my family.  I really had no desire to even talk to her.  But I think she would have been way worse if I had demoted her.  Instead, I switched the order to that my brother (who was standing on my side) stood between her and my sister (she wasn’t at the rehearsal so it was easy to see this as being due to that).  I also didn’t feel bad if she didn’t get included in stuff.  Indian weddings are long affairs, and more than once I was left completely alone until another Bridesmaid or Best Man or friend found me…basically it was my third Bridesmaid or Best Man and my Usherette friend who shuttled me around and supported me throughout the weekend (my sister delivered 2 days before).

I think there are ways to let your sister know how much you value her involvement…but you might just create a situation where you have a hurt, crabby Bridesmaid or Best Man if you tell your other Maid/Matron of Honor that she’s not up to the task.  Also, in her defense, it’s a lot easier to be uber-involved if you are family than otherwise…just something to consider.

Post # 11
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I completely understand how it feels when you think your wedding party isn’t living up to your expectations. Especially when you have two people sharing one role and one person isn’t doing as much as the other … I can understand how that would make you want to give the entire honor and title to just your sister.

But since you’re only two weeks away, I would not recommend it. How do you get around being constantly let down by her, though? Just don’t expect anything from her (which, honestly, is the way to go with wedding parties – my Fiance and I have done everything ourselves). Just expect that she shows up prepared, and participates in wedding events like the rehearsal and the actual wedding. Besides that, not much else is really required of her.

Unfortunately during wedding planning, you do find out who you can rely on and who you can’t, and that’s okay. Now you know for the future that party planning with this friend isn’t going to be a good idea 🙂

Post # 12
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

ok my friend did allot worse to me then that before i demoted her and she didn’t have any extra stuff going on so i dont know. If my friend did all the stuff your friend did i probably wouldn’t of demoted her becasue she was going through stuff. Since mine was just blatenly being a jerk I demoted her. In this case i would ask her if she wants to be a maid since she has allot going on. Trust me I know it hurts when your moh says they don’t want to talk anymore because all you talk about is the wedding been there done that. Your right it isn’t fair for your sister and your mom to do all the work and for her to freeload the title. Just talk to her give her an option out.

Post # 13
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Instead of demoting her, why don’t you just give extra props to your sister in the program or something?

One of my sisters did the cake/cupcakes for our wedding and she got an extra mention in the program for that (as well as even more of my undying love and affection)!  That way I didn’t put anyone down to make her bigger.

Post # 14
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I also agree, that I would go the route of sending extra praise your sister’s way, rather than putting down your other Maid/Matron of Honor.  Nothing good will come of that, and it could hurt your friendship in the future. 

Post # 15
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Do you think its worth the fight? I understand the frustration, but why did you wait this long to say something? If you no longer feel she should be your Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man i can see saying something but demoting her when there is only two weeks and she is having personal problems, thats going to be a slap to the face for her. If there are no programs then the title is useless anyways until the speech and then amp up about your sister helping out.

Im sorry she has been a crappy Maid/Matron of Honor, but come your wedding day you are not going to care about attendant titles =]

Post # 16
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If she’s really your friend, she should be just as much concerned with your wedding.  I was working 2 jobs and going to school full time and going through some personal things and I STILL made time for my friend when she was getting married.  I don’t know if you have ordered dresses or not but if so, if there’s someone else that has helped you more I would just tell her that you felt that person needed some recognition and she doesn’t have to come if she can’t find the time.  See what her response is to that and go from there.

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