(Closed) Demote MOH?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I dunno, I think that you are really nit-picking her and looking for things to be mad about. Maybe instead of analyzing her, you should take a look at yourself and what your expectations were, and figure out why you feel the need to nitpick your friend when she doesn’t live up to your expectations.

I don’t think you should demote her, because I don’t think she has done anything actually wrong.

Post # 4
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I am sorry you are dissapointed with your friend, but I have to agree with Ms Mini. I don’t think she has done anything worthy of demotion, and it seems like you are looking for reasons to be unhappy with her.

Post # 5
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree with Ms_Mini.

I think she is just having a difficult time adjusting to her nonrelationship status. I think she is doing her best under the circumstances, and if you demote her, if I was her, I would definately not want to be friends with you anymore. She is going through a difficult time right now, and I know you are planning your wedding, but right now she needs the support of her friends to get through her difficult time.

Post # 6
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

i completely disgaree with MsMini [sorrySmile]  i dnt think OP is nitpicking at all. If the Maid/Matron of Honor refuses to show up for dress shopping and admits that it is because she doesnt have any romantic prospects that is really awful. right now its time for Maid/Matron of Honor to be supportive to the bride.. the bride shouldnt feel guilty that she is getting married while the Maid/Matron of Honor is not. If i were in your shoes i would sit and talk with her and just ask her honestly if she feels that the duties of Maid/Matron of Honor are a bit much for her right now considering that she is worried abt her own love life. i would demote her. i dnt see why i should deal with a Maid/Matron of Honor who is only half-happy for me and only doing her “best” in  a lack lustre sort of way. 

Post # 7
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

@bells: Dress shopping with someone twice is reasonable. I didn’t bring the same person out with me more than that, because honestly…its just not that entertaining for someone to sit there and watch you try on gowns for hours. Repeatedly.

Post # 8
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@MissTatas: but theres soooo much more than just dress shopping in the original post. It seems this Maid/Matron of Honor is not excited abt the anything wedding related any longer. 

Post # 9
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think you said it – this is about her insecurities rather than your wedding. I would lay off the wedding chat for a while, and instead make a big fuss about her. Getting married is the one time when YOU are the princess, but it can be hard for someone who is feeling lonely to watch someone else get the guy AND everyone’s attention for months. Take her out to dinner, go bar-hopping, guy-spotting, have girly chats…but don’t mention the wedding. At all. Not even a little bit. She needs to feel a little loving coming her way, not be demoted and shunned by you. 15 years worth of friendship vs. 6 weeks of upset…what weighs more in your mind?

Having said that, if these things don’t improve the way you relate to each other, maybe it’s one of these moments in life where a friendship just naturally drifts apart as you enter a different life stage…

Post # 10
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with Ms Mini.  I don’t think she has done anything wrong, and I’d demote her only if you’re sure you want to end the friendship.  I think you are nitpicking at stuff she’s done, and she went dress shopping with you twice!  She planned and executed a bachelorette party for you!  And she did both of those things despite, as you acknowledge yourself, that she might be suffering from some mild depression.  She’s trying to be there for you, and she’s already told you she’s finding it hard for her own personal reasons.

Have you done stuff with her lately that isn’t wedding related?  You pointed out that she had dinner with you and didn’t ask about your wedding or your fiance.  My Maid/Matron of Honor never asks me about my wedding or my fiance, I don’t necessarily consider that a faux pas.  Big picture, I think you know she’s going through a rough time, and you know the reasons for it.  Look elsewhere for support, but I don’t think your Maid/Matron of Honor has done anything worthy of being demoted.

Post # 11
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I think it was good of your friend to be upfront about her lack of enthusiasm and difficulty dealing with your wedding planning when she is unhappy about her love life. A lot of friends would just be difficult without explaining why (I have done it myself). I would maybe talk to her about it again, saying something like “you told me you were struggling and I’ve tried to give you the space you asked for but the wedding is getting closer and I’m not sure how you’re feeling now, are you going to be ok for the wedding?” After a 15 year friendship you should be able to be honest with each other and I think it would be nice if you could give her the opportunity to talk to you some more, without any pressure. Demoting her is certain to ruin the friendship at this point so I’d think very carefully if that’s what you want to do.

Post # 12
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Personally, if she felt that she was having that much trouble, she should have demoted herself a long time ago. It is selfish for her let her own issues ruin a once in a lifetime experience for you. I do not think your expectations are unreasonable. Being late to your party is truly rude, and disappearing is questionable. I agree that maybe you could spend time with her that is non wedding related, maybe that will remind her of why you are friends and what it means for you to have her there…

Post # 13
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would talk to her about it before you decide if you want to demote her or not.  My original Maid/Matron of Honor was having problems listening to me talk about the wedding and I had pretty much stopped discussing it with her.  We discussed it and she demoted herself right out of my life, not just as Maid/Matron of Honor.  It’s hurtful when you are in such a happy and exciting place and you can’t share that with your best friend, so I understand completely what you are going through.  The little things matter to me more than the big things, like just being supportive and happy for me would have been enough, but she couldn’t do that.  If your Maid/Matron of Honor can’t do that at any point in time, then she doesn’t need to stand up for you.  Your Maid/Matron of Honor and BM’s are supposed to be there to support your marriage, not necessarily do things for you, even though most do help out with things.  If she can’t at least be supportive, then you have some thinking to do.  Good luck.  I hope it works out. 

Post # 14
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

The tiara didn’t have prongs? She had all the dress pictures on her phone but didn’t immediately jump to the correct one? She didn’t get you a gift for the bachelorette which she planned and threw for you? She had a whole entire dinner with you and didn’t ask about your fiance or your wedding?

I hope my friend does not say things like that about my role as bridesmaid right now. I would be crushed. I think you’re being way too hard on your poor friend. She’s hurting right now. Friendships go both ways, so I hope you’re also being supportive of her when she tells you that she’s feeling down!

Post # 15
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Honestly, I do see why you are upset about some of the things you mentioned.  However, I do think that we brides need to come to terms with the reality of our situation.  That is, we need to realize that at some point, the way we conduct ourselves needs to be about everyone but us.  This is not a bad thing…we already get to marry our best friends, wear pretty dresses, go out for fun parties, and on and on and on!  In the midst of all our good fortune, we really should remember that the people around us are having issues that either have nothing to do with our weddings and they still need our support.  I think your friend is afraid of being abandoned now that you are getting married.  She isn’t viewing this time as a bonding experience, she’s viewing it as an indication that she’s losing a friend.  You do need to reassure her that you’ll still be around after the wedding, and that you’ll still be doing “girl” things with her.  Perhaps you could schedule a one-on-one girl “date” for after your wedding/honeymoon (if you’re taking one).  You could say something like, “Wow, I can’t wait to just spend some girl time together when this is all over!  Do you want to schedule a movie date/spa appointment/girls’ night/whatever for the week of…” Then make sure to keep the date!  I bet that she’ll be alot more enthusiastic about the wedding stuff if she knows that it won’t be the last time she spends with you!

Post # 16
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sure this has already been said, but: No, don’t demote her.

If you really think she is mildly depressed, do you think demoting her is going to help at all?  She has only been “disappointing” for 6 weeks.  You have 15 years of good times on the books. 

If it were my friend, and I really thought she was depressed, and she admitted she was having a hard time with it, and I could really see a 6 week downward spiral, I like to think I would reach out to her and be there for her.  Your wedding is important, but your friend is sad, and I think that is much more important.  It doesn’t really have anything to do with you.  It’s not a personal slight. 

Further, you are right not to ask much of her from here on out.  Are you sure you haven’t been unkind to her?  Sometimes brides get so excited and caught up that they fail to see maybe they are talking about the wedding too much.  Is it possible that you have been doing this – even accidentally – since she’s admitted she’s having trouble?

I think you should take her out to lunch or dinner – just the 2 of you, and have a heart to heart.  Ask her what you can do to make this easier for her.  Tell her you still want her to come and be a part of the wedding – ask her how you can help her have a good time, and be a friend to her.

The topic ‘Demote MOH?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors