(Closed) Demoted from Matron of Honor to Bridesmaid, advice please

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: After reading about this situation, should I stay a bridesmaid or come only as a guest?
    Accept the role as bridesmaid : (75 votes)
    70 %
    Attend the wedding as a guest : (23 votes)
    21 %
    Forget the friendship and the wedding : (9 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    418 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    To be completely honest, I would back out completely.  She replaced you and told you you were being demoted without even blinking.  You sound like you would’ve been more than supportive and helpful with her wedding and went above and beyond.  That’s total bullshit.  You don’t demote someone because they are “busy”.

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    2023 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I think that you should stay in the wedding.  Is it really worth losing a long-time friend over?

    And honestly, I bet she was thinking about how much work she put into your wedding and just didnt want you to have to go through the same thing.  Thank her for that.  It sounds like she did a lot for your during your planning process – i dont think if she wasnt a “real” friend that she would spend that much money and time on you.

    Post # 5
    Member
    293 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @Janaic88:  Agreed. I would be seriously offended if I were in your shoes. It seems like you would do a kick ass job! She really isn’t considering you and your feelings at all. Really think about your friendship though before you make a decision. At least tell her how hurt you are and gauge her reaction. You’ll be able to tell if she gives a crap or not. Good luck. And if you choose to back out, do it gracefully.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1478 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

    If you cant get over what shes done, step down. You dont want to be bitter and scowling all through her day. I think thats kindest to you and to her but maybe you should talk to her first and let her know how you feel.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2269 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @MLDoddie:  No it’s not worth losing a friend over.. but isn’t it for the OP to decide whether she’s busy or not??

    If OP thought she was too busy, she could have declined and asked to be just a bridesmaid. By saying yes, she was agreeing to the money and the time and effort.

    For example: I’d be really pissed if a group of my friends went out and didn’t invite me because they thought I’d be too busy. It’s MY life. Let ME decide if I’m too busy or not! 

    Post # 8
    Member
    418 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I honestly think you should grow up. Who cares WHERE you stand in the wedding party so long as you’re IN the wedding party? She didn’t kick you out of the wedding, she just made someone who had MORE available time her maid of honor. If you bow out, then prepared to end the friendship entirely. If you’re ok with that, then you really weren’t her friend in the first place.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2269 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @dmk90716:  OP cares. That’s who. And she gave a whole list of reasons why she wanted to be her Maid of Honor. And they weren’t childish reasons either.

    Post # 10
    Member
    418 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @Chrysoberyl:  I can’t agree. I think they sound rather childish to me. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    48 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I am so happy that there are various opinions on the matter…especially the optimistic ones! I can see how both of you will feel. As “bride-to-be’s”, we want everything perfect and dread hearing stories of how the Maid/Matron of Honor totally neglected her duties. On the flip side, what an honor to be asked to be a Maid/Matron of Honor. It would hurt me tremendously if I were demoted. I know as the events roll on, the feelings of resentment and anger will only get worse. I say you talk to her and let her know how you feel. At least put all your feelings on the table and have no regrets. This will allow her time to think about her decision. And yes, once you ask someone to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, that is the point of no return.

    Hope everything works out for you.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2269 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @dmk90716:  “I wanted to show her my appreciation by making her wedding spectacular”

    That sounds childish???

    Post # 13
    Member
    418 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @Chrysoberyl:  No, it’s the other sentences in the 6 paragraphs that sound childish. THIS bride’s wedding is about HER, not about what the OP wanted to do or how the OP feels or what the OP wants. It’s about what the BRIDE wants for the BRIDE’S day. 

    If the BRIDE wants someone else to act as Maid/Matron of Honor, then everyone else should respect that and not whine about why she couldn’t do it because after all, it’s not ABOUT HER. If she can’t do that, I agree with her. She should stay home completely. She’s not asking her to step down, she’s simply asking her to move over a couple of steps. I mean, is it THAT serious?

    Is this the hill to die on? Maybe I just don’t have that much extra time in my life.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1473 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    I see both sides too.  It sounds like her reasons for demoting you weren’t intended to be hurtful.  Rather, she expects that alot of work needs to be done with the planning and figured the other friend would have more time.  I don’t think she sees it as a “who is my closest friend” issue.  On the other hand, I understand how you feel hurt that she hid this decision from you for at least a month and also how you were really looking forward to being Maid/Matron of Honor.  She sounds like a considerate friend.  If it upsets you this much, I’d talk with her and explain how you wanted to be her Maid/Matron of Honor to do all those things for her and how you were fully ready to take the time away from school, work, etc.  Maybe you can even suggest that she have 2 MOHs.  Good luck!

    Post # 16
    Member
    18 posts
    Newbee

    I think you should stay in the wedding. I think she’s looking out for both of you here and maybe wants to give you a break after your wedding? Even though you’re a Bridesmaid or Best Man doesn’t mean you can help make her day awesome like you had already planned on by helping the new Maid/Matron of Honor. You never know – this Maid/Matron of Honor could totally screw up and you may be in a position to help. I’ve been there before. She still wants you to be part of her day. Even though you’re hurt now, would it hurt more if you’re not friends with her in the future? 

    The topic ‘Demoted from Matron of Honor to Bridesmaid, advice please’ is closed to new replies.

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