(Closed) Demoted my own sister in the bridal party……..

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This is family, you and your sister used to be very close, and it she’s only doing annoying, selfish things (as opposed to malicious and nasty things), you should probably eat some humble pie and say “I think we both did some things we aren’t proud of, you’re my sister and I love you and it’s important that you’re my MOH”. 

Hopefully, you will be close again in a few months/years, and you won’t have to look back on your wedding with embarassment. 

Edit: If she eloped and wasn’t excited about a big ceremony for herself, she probably isn’t interested in wedding planning and isn’t going to be fake-interested for your wedding.  

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  canadajane.
Post # 4
1777 posts
Buzzing bee

In my sisters eyes everything is a waste of moeny as it pertains to weddings and girly things …

instead it made me feel like the wedding was just a burden on her.

<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>Frankly for a lot of people being in a wedding party IS a burden, they may not mention it but more than a few attendants would have preferred just being a guest.  You’re spending money (and time) to accomodate other’s visions and preferences.  Some love all the girly planning stuff,  and consider it an honor, others are much more ambivilent.  See other current threads about no one being willing to get together for dinner.  If your sister hates girly clothes, while you think it’s great she has a bargain pretty dress to wear … she’ll probably never wear it again. </div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”> </div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>She decided to elope (in part it sounds like) because she didn’t put value on a big wedding shindig.   Why do you think she’s suddenly going to like doing those things now?  It sounds like girly things are not something your sister enjoys…she’s into hockey, doesn’t like dressing up, make-up etc.</div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”> </div>
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>It sounds like it’s another case of mismatched expectations.  You want her excited for your day (and that’s fair), but she didn’t even get excited about those things for her own day.  So it’s probably an unrealistic expectation.  You dont HAVE to ‘demote’ her, you’re choosing to.  You could just leave her out of the loop and plan on your own since you know what you want.    Hopefully she won’t view it as a demotion, maybe she’ll view it as a relief and there will be minimal ruffled feathers.    </div>

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  .
Post # 6
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

She sounds ridiculous. At a certain point you may have to let her have her way: no dress, no makeup, no Maid/Matron of Honor title.

And I would stop bending over backwards for someone who isn’t compromising at all. No drama, just: “This doesn’t seem to be working out for you, so let’s not force it!”

Post # 7
721 posts
Busy bee

I really don’t think a lot of this is a reason to demote your sister but I just have to ask about this part because it’s something I’ve never heard on here before and I’ve been around weddingbee for years…

“I snapped and removed her from my maid of honor and told her she needed to get new glasses.”

You told her to get new glasses for your wedding?  Did you offer to pay for them?  Glasses are REALLY expensive and even if they’re partialy covered by insurance you sometimes are only able to get a new pair every few years and have to time when you get them really, really carefully.  I have a pair from high school I’m still holding onto.  I think you were way out of line there and probably would’ve dropped from the wedding party at that request.  

Edit:  Should edit to say though that I agree she should’ve shut up about the dress and just wrong what you wanted (I paid 150 to look like a jellybean-colored upside down cupcake and did it with a smile) and it’s totally within your right to ask for that, but not to tell her to get new glasses.  

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  Dizbee.
Post # 9
1777 posts
Buzzing bee

Well the fact that she does do some girly things does change the picture (a bit).  And she declined your offer of coming as a guest.  So yes, some of this does sound selfish on her part.  However now the feud between the two of you is bleeding over into your parents.  If you can, maybe just stop talking to her about the wedding other than: Rehearsal dinner is (time) (place), please arrive at (location) (time) to get ready for the wedding.  If you want to come to the bachelorette or shower you can, but it’s not an expectation.  If she arrives wearing inappropriate clothes, then that’s on her.  I’m not sure I’d worth blowing up family relationships over it, especally this is par for the course.

Post # 10
678 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

Ok, i can definatly understand you because I went through the same issue with my sister. Well I am still going through it. My only advice to you is to call her and get it all out on table. In my case i did not start with that. My sis was the Maid/Matron of Honor and in my opinion(which i now know was a little unfair) she should have been more involved than she was, and she should have wanted to help, and be there to support me(blah, blah, blah)

But she isn’t and that’s ok. Your sis is your sis. And she’s still going to be your sis after you’re married. Yes, she has done somethings that have upset you, and you have done some things that have upset her as well. As far as the dress, the money lectures and her other annoying issues. those are small in the grand scheme of things. I am speaking from expericnce. My sis and I aren’t even talking because she doesn’t like the dress I chose, she feels it isn’t special enough. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I currently.

Post # 11
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Footballwife:   I don’t blame you for wanting her to suck it up, but the reaction over her wearing glasses was uncalled for.

Your sister doesn’t enjoy “girly” things like dressing up and wearing makeup. I know that and all I’ve done is read the OP, so I’m sure you knew that way before this wedding even came about. Knowing she isn’t into this stuff, I would pick out everything for her and just give her a day and time to show up. Let her do her own makeup the day of. 

Post # 13
11693 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

Footballwife:  Honestly, I think you overreacted ‘firing her’.  I really think she’s jealous of your wedding.  She didn’t get one. 

My sister was planning to elope and at the beginning of my planning she balked at every dime I was planning on spending, it was all a waste etc etc.  She’s since realized that her FH had pressured her to elope and she really did want a wedding and now she’s come around to what things cost.

Post # 14
721 posts
Busy bee

Footballwife:  But…but it was her wedding.  Where she was the bride.  As opposed to your wedding where YOU are the focus and she is not.  I’m sorry I just don’t see the two as being comparable, of course I’d get my hair and makeup done for my own wedding but I’ve been in three weddings now (and MoH in one) and never even considered getting my hair or makeup done for someone else’s wedding.  Not to intentionally spite the bride (granted no bride has ever asked me to get my hair/makeup done or really cared what it looked like) but because it’s not my day, the attention won’t be on me and I don’t consider it an occasion where I absolutely need to do my hair and makeup to the nines.  Maybe that’s how she feels?

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