(Closed) Demoting MOH to BM, invitation for disaster? Please share advice and experience

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Demote MOH to BM?
    Yes, this will be best for both of you : (4 votes)
    14 %
    No, leave her as MOH and find others to fulfill her duties : (13 votes)
    46 %
    No, it will cause too much drama : (8 votes)
    29 %
    No, she should not be in the wedding party : (0 votes)
    Other - see comment posted below : (3 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 3
    602 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I don’t feel like BMs and MoHs have ‘duties’ that need to be ‘fulfilled’ except for getting the dress and showing up on time. Anything else is a gift from them to you because they care about you. If she’s not coming through for you out of the goodness of her heart, you need to rely more on your other BMs and friends to pick up the slack. Demoting her would only cause drama and escalate the situation.

    Post # 4
    251 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I think you should try to look at it from both sides…

    Is it possible that you have become “less fun” than you were before you got engaged?  Have you maybe become “that bride” and feel the need to make everything about your wedding and you can’t just have fun with your friend? Is she possibly jealous because she isn’t married (not sure if she is)? Try to look at her side of things and see why she may be feeling like she does.

    I was recently in a wedding that was miserable for me & the other bridesmaids. When we would go out in groups with the girls, the bride would get mad if we made jokes or talked about anything other than the wedding. It was as if she felt like we couldn’t do anything or go on with our lives until her wedding was over, unless it revolved around her. It made all of us lose TOTAL interest in her wedding because it was forced on us… not a fun thing that we were excited to be a part of.

    So, to answer your question… I would reevaluate and see why she may be acting the way she is.  If you do, and still feel like the fault is on her, and not you at all, maybe talk to her about what is going on. However, I would say “demoting” her would open all kind of drama that you don’t want to deal with. And, you may regret that decision after the wedding.

    Post # 9
    5106 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @pink.sequins:Honestly, I went through a somewhat similar situation, as I mentioned to you (although I will admit it was much, much more than just wedding stuff that made me come to my decision). And I actually did demote my Maid/Matron of Honor. Basically it wasn’t worth feeling the stress and upset feelings I was having over all the things that were going on (and not going on) between the two of us.

    So, I asked her to lunch, and we had a very, very long talk. I was honest with her, told her I didn’t feel like she was at a point in her life right now where I could rely on her for small things with the wedding, and that I felt like she too wasn’t ready to take on the responsibility. She agreed. And let me just put this out there- I was in no way expecting her to make this wedding her life. I WAS, however, expecting a best friend to be there for me. I also made it very clear this wasn’t a dig at our friendship, but I was trying to save our friendship instead. I didn’t want the title of Maid/Matron of Honor or anything with this wedding (my most important day) to make me resent her in the long run.

    We’ve gotten over it, and moved on. I hope you and your Maid/Matron of Honor are able to do the same. And honestly, if she can’t understand where you’re coming from, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your friendship.

    ETA: I also firmly believe you need to do what’s in YOUR best interest. It’s obvioulsy already causing drama and sad feelings with you, why should you have to shut up and deal with it just because you don’t want to make waves? She certainly isn’t giving you that courtesy.

    Post # 10
    4336 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @pink.sequins:and also, after I looked at that link you provided, I think that is a LOT of responsibility to expect or *require* of your bridesmaids. Unless that was ALL communicated at the time of asking them to be in your wedding party, then I think you need to realize that they do have lives outside of your wedding, and if they are giving you hints about not being able to help with everything you expected, then I think you should give them a break and try to understand where they’re coming from.

    To summarize–if you really expect your bridesmaids and Maid/Matron of Honor to be doing everything that is listed in that website, then wow! No wonder your conversations with your Maid/Matron of Honor end in “apologies, excuses, tears and hurt feelings” every time you ask her to do something!

    Post # 11
    9029 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    that link that you provided is not by any means the gospel truth of bridal parties.  The fact of the matter is NO ONE will care about your wedding as much as you do, and considering that bridesmaids spend quite a bit of money on weddings, their only real duty is to show up and be helpful on the day of the wedding and at the rehearsal.

    Post # 12
    5106 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2011

    And also, I’ve been Maid/Matron of Honor in a few other ceremonies, and NEVER did I expect or want to just “buy a dress and show up” on the wedding day. I wanted to be there for my friends, who gave me the honor of being their Maid/Matron of Honor.

    Do I expect my MOh to work on every single little project I want to do? No. But could she at least be there for the important things?

    I mean, since when did it become too much to ask for a little emotional support from your best friend?


    Post # 13
    4336 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @Mrs.tobe:Precisely because I think most bridesmaids think that way, whenever I see a question like “my bridesmaid doesn’t want to help with anything!” it makes me wonder if we’re only seeing one side of the story. I mean, I *want* to give the OP all of the benefit of the doubt, but usually when you are really good friends with someone, and they suddenly start being really uninvolved in your wedding, then it makes me think something else is going on. Not necessarily that the bride is being a “bridezilla,” (although, I do have to mention that I doubt anyone who actually IS a bridezilla knows that they are!) but there are lots of other possibilities, like maybe the bridesmaid has things going on in her life and is feeling upset that the bride is too occupied with wedding planning to notice? It just makes me sad when brides jump to the solution of “this girl isn’t being as involved in my wedding as I want her to be….therefore, I’m going to kick her out/demote her.”

    @pinksequins– I’m SO sorry to be sidetracking your post, and I really hope that you don’t take anything I’ve said personally! I am really not doubting you or your motives, I just want to make sure you have considered this situation from every possible angle before making a huge decision like “demoting” someone. (I see questions like this sooo often on here, that I hope that all of my thoughts in general toward all of the previous questions don’t sound like they are directed just at you!)

    Before I came to weddingbee, I was on the knot for awhile, and while I think they deserve all the criticism that they get for being “mean,” I do think that their staunch belief in the etiquette of NEVER rescinding an invitation to someone to be in your wedding party is very wise. If someone isn’t acting interested in planning your wedding, fine. Take the hint and stop asking them to do everything. Do things yourself or else find other people to lean on who will support you more. But demoting or removing people is usually a friendship-breaker, and contrary to popular opinion, once you get married you will need your friends MORE and not LESS!

    The topic ‘Demoting MOH to BM, invitation for disaster? Please share advice and experience’ is closed to new replies.

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