Dependent mother in law

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Wow, Bee. This is a lot to take in. I can understand where your husband is coming from to an extent but there are a lot of things I don’t agree with here and am on your side on. 

1) it is not appropriate for your husband to be paying for your mother to have a home given the context you have provided (do not have a plethora of funds, you are married and dont agree to this spending)

2) you are his family now. He needs to realize that you and your future offspring are his priority. Yes, his mother is important, of course, but there are lines and boundaries that he is not owning up to right now. 

3) yes, you shoudl make more of an effort to be friends with her: getting lunch and dinner, family outings.

3a) Spending time together DOES NOT include her staying with you the first week of moving into a new home and starting a new job. These are huge life changes and your husband is not enforcing healthy boundaries. Again, you are the priority. If you don’t feel comfortbale with Mother-In-Law staying with you for a week the first week of moving into your new home while starting a new job, that is a huge red flag. He is prioritizing his moms needs over his wifes. 

It is emotionally manipulative for her to have a fit if you don’t want her staying with you in your home for extended and unknown periods of time. Especially where you are all going above and beyond to put her in a hotel. 

It sounds very much like there are boundaries being crossed, you are communiciating to husband and you are not being heard and you are both not compromising and coming to a mutually agreeable solution. 

At the end of the day, its not about what your Mother-In-Law feels or what the public at large feels (wedding bee), its about you and your husband, and having your needs met. 

I would suggest couples counseling. You can try having a deep sit down with husband. “I need to talk to you about some angry feelings I’m having lately and I’m hoping we can talk about them and you can help me work through them so we can both feel happy and heard”. 

Notice I didn’t place any blame on husband and am coming from a place of genuine, “lets work this out” language. If THAT fails, and you can’t come to a mutually agreeabale solution, I would suggest counseling. If YOU got to therapy, its taking more blame on you and taking all the work off of him. So this needs to be a team effort. And that really needs to hit home with him. 

If you dont start laying this ground work now, you are absolutely right that it will not get easier. 

Its likely she has been like this her entire life and has been enabled by her youngest (your husband), understanding that this will take time and work to get through because again it has likely been going on for quite some time now. 

Good luck to you Bee!!

Post # 3
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

It sounds like your Mother-In-Law got divorced and then started parentifying her sons, making them feel responsible for her and manipulating them into not putting up healthy boundaries with her. Because of this toxic environment, your Darling Husband is now more concerned with his mom’s feelings than yours and would rather upset you than upset her. Agree with pp that you need couples’ counseling.

And btw, you are not wrong for wanting to spend your first week in a new house just the two of you. Your Darling Husband is wrong for trying to guilt you into complying with his mother’s wishes by saying “You’re putting me in a tough spot.” No, you’re trying to make him be a husband. That shouldn’t be a tough spot. You’re his family and should be his first priority. He wants you to give in so he won’t have to deal with fall out with his mom.

Post # 4
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Home

I agree with you and dont think you are wrong at all, she is an adult, and can take care of herself. When your husband decided to marry you he took vows, part of that means that he now has the responsibility to make you and your feelings a priority. If I were you I would expect to be the priority above Mother-In-Law. I know it’s a touch subject but I think you have a right to express your feelings even when it’s not going to make Darling Husband happy. He deserves to know how you truly feel as well. Ask him if you have kids if he would put her needs above theirs? I think you have a right be to be upset and even mad and to be able to show that as long as your not attacking with your words or being rude you shot be able to say how you feel and he should be willing to put your feelings first. 

Post # 5
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

Yeah, this would drive me crazy. I too have strong feelings about not helping those who don’t help themselves. It’s like feeding a monster who will never get hungry. As long as you keep taking care of her and giving her more, she is going to expect more. 

Yes, we all feel certain pressures to take care of our parents. But it needs to be done reasonably and, once married, decisions need to be made as a team. 

Do you have joint finances? If so you should make a budget and start planning towards your goals together. X dollars each month will go towards savings for when we have kids, X dollars each month will go towards saving towards the honeymoon we never took. Maybe budget in a certain amount of month for your individual spending money that you each get to choose how to spend. So maybe you want to spend yours on Starbucks or a new outfit, and he wants to spend his on helping his mom. But the money he spends on his mom shouldn’t be taking away from his family (you). 

Explain to him how he is making you feel. “When you do this, I feel this.” That should be enough for him to realize how his actions are affecting you. Come from a place of understanding and compassion. “I know your mom is important to you and I want her to be a part of our life. But there are things that are important to me, too. And when you put your mom’s interests over mine, I feel like she is more important to you.” 

Tell him how important is to you that you spend the first week in your new home together, but offer a different week that she can come.

If he can’t start putting you first and honoring the vows he made to you, it’s time for couples counseling.

On the plus side, you know you have a good guy when he goes out of his way to help his mom. 

ETA – Make sure you communicate to your husband that what he is doing is hurting your relationship with his mom. It is making your resentful of her. Whereas if you feel like your needs are being met and that your voice is being heard, you will be more willing to help her and have a relationship with her. 

Post # 6
Member
6828 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I would get into couples counselling. He is putting his mothers wants above his wifes. That is super inappropriate for a married couple. He doesnt see you as a priority, and he won’t unless something changes. 

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