- 1 year ago
- Wedding: May 2018
This is very difficult for me to write and I actually have a lot of anxiety and guilt about it while doing so. This is also in no way meant to bash my mother in law… I just know I need to seek help or advice before I sink into a really dark place.
For some context, my husband and I are newlyweds and in our early twenties. My mother in law is divorced and very lonely and she seems to have the closest relationship with my husband (she has 3 boys). It bothers her that my husband and I are very close with my parents and see them often which I understand sometimes. My parents and father in law have done anything and everything for us and helped immensely with getting us on our feet. Not to mention everything they did for our wedding. My dad helped us flip our home and taught my husband everything he now knows. I never expect anything from my mother in law, I would never want her to give us anything but what bothers me is how my husband always feels like he owes her. She makes my husband feel guilty for not including her more in our lives. He feels responsible for her emotional happiness at all times and of course, financially. He constantly thinks he isn’t doing enough for her. She works part time and I don’t know what she makes but I don’t think she has a lot financially. She lives with her oldest son and has been for four years. My husband has talked about buying her a place closer to us in a few years. He has two older brothers and he doesn’t want to ask the oldest for any help with this because he allowed her to live with him for so long and I doubt the other brother will step up to the plate to help. Like I said, we’re in our early twenties so we barely scrapped enough to close on our own place. Any extra money we have a year or two down the line I’d like to go into a savings account, towards kids possibly, or selfishly a honeymoon since we never took one…
My biggest anxiety right now is that my husband and I are moving very soon. She wants to help us move but we only have 6 days to move 10 hours away and then I begin my brand new job after the weekend, so there’s a ton going on between settling in and preparing for work. She also always stays with us when visiting and if she doesn’t, we are paying for a hotel and she is so upset to not sleep under the same roof as us. I never know how long her visits are too so when she’s actually leaving is always a surprise to me. It seems to get extended almost every time too. I don’t usually mind when she stays but in certain situations it does make things more difficult, like this one. I hate to say it, but I would also like to spend our very first night in the new house just the two of us, which I don’t think is a lot to ask for. Maybe I’m wrong on that one? My husband told me I was putting him in a tough situation and making a bigger deal of it than need be so should I just suck it up and let her stay that week? I’ve been telling him for months how stressed I am about this move so it definitely hurts that he’s more concerned with her feelings and disregarded my own anxiety about moving so close to starting my job.
As for my relationship with her, there really isn’t much of one. She’s said some hurtful things about me around the time of the wedding and I felt like it came from a place of hurt so I let it go (he’s her youngest and first to get married so I understand that’s hard.) I know I could make more of an effort but her relationship with my husband bothers me so badly and I always hate the way he feels after he talks to her.
I guess to sum up what I’m trying to say, is I have a hard time helping those who don’t help themselves. I think it bothers me so much because she’s younger than my own parents yet we are pretty close to having to care for her. She’s definitely never going to live with us, we’ve talked about that in the past so that isn’t a concern. I would have no problem helping her if she was unable to work or very sick. My husband and I are just trying to start our own lives and I worry we won’t be able to live ours without having to constantly worry if she’s happy with where she’s at. He sees where I’m coming from but I’m definitely always painted as the bad guy and it’s such a sensitive topic to talk about with him. The last time we talked about it I told him I was scared about what this dynamic is going to look like in the future and he didnt take it well. I don’t want to drive a wedge between them AT ALL but I feel like it’s going to come between us.
Am I wrong? If anyone has any advice or can offer any comfort I would love to hear it. I have thought about going to talk to a therapist to sort out my own issues but I know my husband would be extremely hurt if he knew the extent of my feelings about his mom. What do I do?