- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
I feel odd even posting this because I couldn’t be happier about being married to my best friend of many years and planning for our future. My depression stems from my relationships with other people. I believe I was a very low-maintenance bride, we tried our best to keep expenses low for everyone since the wedding was in another city, and we were on a budget ourselves. We had just under 50 guests total and asked for some crafting/DIY help from some ladies prior to the wedding. I had only known the lady I asked to be my Maid/Matron of Honor less than a year but thought we had become such close friends so quickly and felt very lucky to know her. But ever since I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor something changed…it felt tense, weird even, and I became very worried. I really don’t like drama and thought it was just me being overly sensitive so I dove into wedding planning and tried not to worry so much. But I also became very stressed out about deadlines and our budget. Long story short, things only got worse between me and my Maid/Matron of Honor and I even began to feel strange around other friends who are mutual friends and that I’ve also known about the same amount of time. I think the struggle I found myself in the end was having people tell me how “well they knew me,” but instead I felt more isolated and like they didn’t know me. If it wasn’t for a few other friends who did an unbelievable job helping me and keeping me positive, I don’t know how I would have gotten through it.
During our wedding weekend when my older friends came from all over the country to be my bridesmaids that I realized how much I had missed them and how different it felt to be around them. I dont think there is anything wrong with my new friends – I do love them all, but seeing friends I haven’t seen in years because we live so far from each other made me realize the strong emotional connection I had been missing. I let out a big cry in the bathroom that first night in order to release that stress and emotional drain I felt for months leading up to that day. I didn’t realize how lonely I had been even with great people around me. I know my Maid/Matron of Honor did a lot to help me and make stuff for the wedding when she had time…but it never felt like it used to before the wedding stuff. If anything, she stressed me out the most and made me feel the worst, even on my wedding weekend.. I have many fond and happy memories from my wedding day but it’s such a bummer to look back and remember how she hardly talked to me, stormed in on my wedding day to confront me on why I hadn’t called her over to help me with hair and makeup yet (I just hadn’t seen her all morning!), hardly said a word to me during the reception, and we never took any photos together.
Of course, I had many other things going on so I couldn’t let those things bring me down even after all that because there were plenty of other people there who were very kind and talked to us. But now that its all over, it saddens me as I think back at how our friendship just went down hill and I feel some mutual friends in a way have “sided” with her instead of trying to talk to both of us and giving me a fair chance to explain how I’ve felt so I can move on.. So here we are back at home and it feels very lonely. I try my best to jump back into a schedule and focus on things post-wedding, but it only takes a minute to remember certain things to really bring me down all over again. I tried to text her in order to hang out and do something simple and non-wedding related for once and hopefully move on from what happened. It’s been 10 days since I texted her and no answer. I texted another mutual friend to try to hang out too and no reply. I know people are busy but coming from a friendship where we used to hear back from each other on the same day or the next day at the latest, it’s hard for me to think of it something else besides being ignored.
There are probably a lot of holes in this story but I can’t write anymore – I wrote so much already. But writing all this down on here does make me feel better and any insight or advice would help a ton because I’ve gotten to the point where I’m very worried about how I’ve been feeling and my moods. Do other brides experience anything similar to this or found ways to distract themselves from feeling depressed? I am emotional and sensitive so eventhough I know better and know what I should do, I can’t help but feel hurt.. It feels like a breakup, but with friends. I know weddings can be stressful, but I just never realized how stressful it can get that it affects other things that you thought wouldn’t even be an issue. I just need to remind myself to focus on who I’m not married to and our life and not be just as concerned about the other people that now feel “absent” from our lives. I’m trying!