(Closed) Depressed and just wanting to cry right now

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am sorry you are feeling this way. May I ask how old you two are?

Post # 5
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

In one of my MBA classes we learned that one of the if reasons women make less than their male counterpart is bc they are too afraid to ask or a raise. Men typically ask without worrying what their boss will say. Just ask. Build a strong case on why you deserve one. It can’t hurt. 

Post # 6
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Your doing good!  Don’t be sad….everyone feels this way once in a while!  Money is only paper, and I think sometimes people put way too much emphasis on it’s important, I understand that being responsible and financially comfortable is a grown up thing, but conversly, waiting to have a baby until the bottom line adds up seems just a little too sensible for me…I’m childless by choice, but if I wanted to have a baby, I certainly wouldn’t let that dream be derailed by something a tawdry and common as money…don’t give up, it’s going to be ok!

Post # 7
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

You shouldn’t be embarassed. It is so hard to afford a home in this day in age, it’s almost impossible to buy in many areas. And I  know its hard, but try not to compare yourself to friends. Many of my friends were lucky enough to have their parents help purchase their house.

Can you save up for one more year to purchase a house? Possibly move in with family or a cheaper apartment to free up some more money? It’s not ideal, but it will help you reach your goal.

Post # 8
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You are young!  Time to start looking for a new job that pays you more.  You might not be able to get a house, but many babies grow up in rentals!

Post # 9
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Legallyblondiebride:   Hi there!  Missed you around here.

What you’re going through is perfectly normal, emotionally speaking, anyway.  Now that the wedding and honeymoon are over (recap, btw?) it’s natural to have a let-down feeling.

But give it time.  You’re so young still.  I know almost 30 seems ancient, lol, but really it is not.  You’re no different from any other young couple in America facing the same challenges.

The key thing is to appreciate what you already have.  You both have jobs, for one thing.  That’s a great start.  Things will come in time, you don’t have to get everything all at once. 

Also, just a tip, telling a boss you need a raise because you’re struggling financially is a huge no-no and would probably guarantee a decline.  Raises are earned through excellent work performance and sometimes not even then, in this economy.

A lot of people are in the same boat, so cheer up, dearie.  ((BIG HUGS!!))  Stop comparing yourself to others and count your own blessings.  🙂

Post # 10
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

So you new a new job or a raise. What you can do is apply for jobs elsewhere. Ask for at least a 10k raise when looking for a new job. If you get an offer take it back to your current employer and ask them to beat it. If you want to stay with your current employer then say match or beat. Look for something closer to home so that you don’t have to spend as much on gas.

My Fiance really loved his old job. He worked there for 4 years and he went from 30k to 40k. I found out his friend who is in the same line of work but not as awesome at it as my Fiance had been making 50k for YEARS. OMG all that income we were in a sense losing because my Fiance liked who he worked with. I nagged him about it and he finally found another job for about 7k more (govt work is really picky about raising on last pay instead of potential or performance). He hated it so he was motivated to find ANOTHER job (finally), switched again and is now making 70k. So in a year he went from 40k to 70k by switching jobs twice.

I would also causually mention to your boss how much you want a baby but don’t know how you are going to afford child care. It might sound silly but married people get more money then single people. I assume part of it is that married people are really motivated to make more money but its also because supervisors know you have a family to support. So get some pictures of your Fiance up at your work too. It sounds weird but it will help you get a raise.

Then dress like you are a pay scale higher than you currently are. That helps you slip into the higher pay scale.

You can also document all the work you are doing and take that to your boss and ask for a raise with supporting documentation.

Good luck! Don’t give up! You CAN make more money!!!

Post # 11
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

We all have those days. Just try to stay focus on what you can do now. Maybe start looking for another job before you mention anything to your boss. You don’t want to risk it with the way the economy is right now. 

The home and the babies will come along sooner or later. Don’t compare your life to anyone else because you will always be disappointed. Make the most of what you have now, Things could always be worse. 

Perspective– That’s all you need. 

 

Post # 12
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

@JaneDomani:  I would also causually mention to your boss how much you want a baby but don’t know how you are going to afford child care.

Eh, I wouldn’t do this. Unfortunetly working moms still face major challenges in the workplace. It’s really not appropriate to discuss this with your manager.

Post # 13
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

make a plan! everything is easier once it’s down on paper and you’ve created clear goals to get where you want to be.

sit down with your husband and decide what a realistic goal for savings is say, starting in 6 months. (ie – in six months we want to be saving 20% more than we are now). then decide how that would be possible. can you cut out some discretionary spending? even cutting back on what lots of us consider ‘musts’ can help. (cancelling the extra cable package, downgrading your cell plan, shopping at a discount grocery store)

come up with a ‘baby budget’. what do you really NEED? can you shop at thrift stores/accept hand me downs/ repurpose a cousins/car set/crib etc? make a goal- (we’d like to have 1,000 dollars saved in a baby fund within 18 months)

now – a raise. write out the responsibilities you had when you started your position; then the ones you have now. study the differences, in what ways are you working harder/longer/with more responsibility? this is what you want to stress to your boss – respectfully and at a pre approved time. set it up a few days before ‘to discuss my performance and future at the company’. be polite, on time and professional.

come up with a realistic % that you would be happy with – do not start with this #. Also think of other things beyond $ to negotiate with – maybe you would like a few more personal days per year, or to ‘bank’ the $ from personal days you don’t use. if your boss isn’t able to give you a $ raise (or enough) he/she may be more flexible on other things like these. does your employer match contributions to retirement fund savings? etc. ask HR.

explain that you like (love?) your job, and that you’re excited to be here for the future, and that you’d like to discuss your pay package. ‘when i started, i was responsible for x, y and z. I’ve transitioned into being responsible for a,b,c and x,y,z and I’m hoping that my pay package can reflect that. is this something that we can discuss?’

your boss will probably be very impressed with your thought out, professional approach 🙂 and remember, it is MUCH more expensive to advertise, find, hire and train a new employee – then to give a small raise to a current employee. your boss does not want to lose you!

good luck! remember, no one is going to knock on your door and offer you exactly what you want, it’s up to you to get it, and that’s nothing to feel bad about!

Post # 14
Member
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I feel you.  My husband and I moved out on our own literally the day we graduated college.  We’ve always supported ourselves with no help from parents, and didn’t have that “cushion” time of living at our parents’.  We also both made some financial mistakes that we are paying down.  We paid for our wedding, and we put ourselves through graduate school ($20K).  We’ve worked hard to “upgrade” apartments throughout the last 7 years and we’re finally in a place we love.

We’re in absolutely no place to own a home either at this time (RE prices in our area are ridiculous) but just because you have an apartment doesn’t mean it’s not a HOME.  I know I’m in the NYC mindset a bit about this because apartments are more permanent here, but my apartment is my home…who cares if I don’t own it? 😉

Post # 15
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@JaneDomani:  Just wanted to say, I hope your Darling Husband loves his new job as much as he loved the old one you encouraged him to leave, for more money.  IMO, money isn’t everything.  Job hopping isn’t the best advice when the unemployment rate is so sky-high right now.

Post # 16
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Bostongrl25: I’ve always had personal conversations with my managers and they with me. Nothing TOO personal but general chit chat is fine. I certainly wasn’t suggesting she call a meeting to say it. But people DO ask when you are planning on having kids and its fine to respond “Oh I really want to, but I’m not sure how to work in child care costs right now”. I understand that some people are really private, and if thats the case, yes it would be inappropriate. But I think more people are friendly and interested in getting to know folks and *are going to ask about it anyway*. So there is no point in trying to hide that money is a determining factor in when you are having kids. PLENTY Of people have kids and ask for a raise because of it! And don’t think it doesn’t work!

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