(Closed) Depressed and negative FI – not sure what else to do

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
9830 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I am sorry, that must be hard, I haven’t been in a similar situation, I am the one suffering mental illness in our relationship, but as you would know everyone will be ready for help in their own time, so just be there and support him like you have been. And if the conversation comes up, encourage him to seek help.

Post # 5
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry, this sounds really hard to deal with for both of you. Is he looking for a new job? It doesn’t sound like he’s depressed, it sounds like he is in a really bad situation and has every reason to be angry, upset, sad, and frustrated. I think anybody would be all of those things in his situation. Is there a reason you feel like you should keep your bad days to yourself? It’s not ok that there is such an imbalance in the relationship and that you feel like you can’t use him as emotional support. That said, I don’t think medication is the way for him to go here (from what you’ve described), since the factors contributing to his unhappiness all seem external. 

Given that, I wonder if in the meantime what you & he need is to add some more positive activities into your lives. Do you exercise together? That might be a good way of helping him manage stress in a very healthy way. Or maybe you two can take up a hobby or take a class at the local community college together. Just a few ideas.

Post # 6
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@lookingforadvice77:  +1.

I don’t associate depression with being frustrated and grumpy. Depression leaves you unable to function properly and some people don’t even leave bed. This sounds more situational than clinical to me but if you are both concerned then he needs a doctor. Otherwise, sounds like a new job will fix it. He shouldn’t be taking it out on you either way but sometimes people do that to loved one. 

Post # 7
208 posts
Helper bee

@UKbee:  First of all… I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know it’s tough.  My SO went through this last year around this time, it’s really tough with the weather being so cold and gray, too.  (I’m a US bee living in the UK. SO MUCH RAIN.)  Could it be stress over the job PLUS seasonal depression?

I’m going to stick up for him and say for short term depression, he probably doesn’t need to go get outside help.  Does he do any activities? Maybe he could join a gym?  We do Payasyougym because I like to switch it up.

It doesn’t matter what has gone on in the past, you can always apply to other jobs.  Yes, it probably lowers the chances of getting the interview, but his chance is 0% if he doesn’t apply.  It’s better to apply when you are currently employed, so he should start now, people generally want to interview someone employed already.  If people question leaving jobs a lot, he should stay positive but say “My salary/commission was cut by 40%”  Anyone interviewing will understand.  I’m not sure if this is taboo in the UK, but in the US I would say this.

What I did to help him get out of his bad mood was a little drastic but definitely worth it.  I surprised him and booked a cheap flight to Spain so we could warm up for a 3 day weekend.  I’m not sure if you both have weekends off, but I did it for about 450 pounds return including the hotel and I only booked 1.5 weeks in advance and we stayed in a 4-star hotel in the center of the city.

Good luck!

Post # 10
463 posts
Helper bee

That’s really rough. My SO had a messy failed entrepreneurship venture not long ago, whereas my career has really taken off, so I sympathize. It bugs me that he’s not as social as he used to be, but otherwise we’ve come through it well.

It sounds like you’re setting a good example for him, and I think that’s probably worth more than anything. It’s actually kind of challenging having your life together when someone close to you doesn’t – you can’t let him drag you down, but you risk jealousy and falling into roles of “the negative one” and “the positive one.”

Let him know you believe in him. Remind him of other challenges that he overcame that seemed as hard as this one at the time. If he knows that you’re on his side, you can stop letting him complain to you. Constant complaining is one of the most damaging things he can do for his motivation and outlook, and you’d be doing him (and yourself) a favor by refusing to listen to it for the most part.

I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to shut off and play video games as long as he spends some time each day job hunting. It sounds like you’re striking a good balance between leaving him alone to unwind and encouraging him to do motivating and productive things with you. From your posts I would assume that he’ll be back to his old energetic self if he can resolve the job issue.

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