(Closed) Depressed and Sick Before Wedding – Should I get Married?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t have much advise right now. I can understand what chronic illness does to someones emotional health. I’ve had long bouts of chronic illnesses and I also know how $$$ tests (not even treatments!) can be. Im not going to try and sway you one way or another but I did Juat want to suggest checking into high risk pools. I had to be a part of Wisconsin’s HIRSP (health insurance risk sharing pool) for ppl who can’t get typical ins. I was unemployed for a while and they do offer rates lower based uponincome. I went through situational depression because of my health and can’t fathom trying to think about , decide if it’s right, of have the energy to plan a wedding/marriage so I want to offer you MANY ((((hugs!))))

Post # 4
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@fennecfoxgirl:  The fact that you are rushing the wedding and the fact that your health is failing right now is what appears to be foreshadowing things for you (from my outside perspective). It does sound like you have been together with your Fiance long enough to know what you are potentially dealing with (the money situation). I hear your consideration that maybe it won’t work out once you are well, however, to be frank, without his benefits, you may never have the chance to know that.

Your wedding may not be picture perfect because you are not healthy right now, but with his benefits you will hopefully be able to be well again. When that happens, do a renewal ceremony…one that you have been well enough to plan and have some fun with.

Post # 6
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@fennecfoxgirl:  I think that coming onto this site and seeing how much effort can and is put into some weddings might also make you feel ‘cheated’ on the planning end of things (ie. having a chance to enjoy being engaged). But, given your situation, you might be wisest to go ahead, get medical help, and then come back on here with a fresh perspective of planning your ‘healthy’ wedding. I am sure the bees would be supportive of your unique situation and there are even some on here who have spoken to their ‘civil wedding’ quite a while before any big happy celebration.

Post # 7
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@dihy:  agree with you. perfect wording to this bee.


Post # 9
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@fennecfoxgirl:  Yeah, I do think that you need to relax, take care of yourself, and let others help right now who are 100% behind you. Things are happening (such as the ring) that should tell you it’s going to be alright. 

I think I may also understand the worry about money to a degree. I am ‘frugal’ because I lived for 10 years as a single mom with little to no child support. I did contract work and so I would have short (3-4 month) periods of unemployment between contracts…and definitely no benefits. My Fiance was the main breadwinner in his previous family, he makes more than I do, and at first, to me and my ‘scimp and save’ ways, he seemed very ‘lackadaisal’ about money.

I had a period of about 3 months when he first moved in where I was not working, I was scrimping and saving, and very much feeling like I couldn’t pull my weight in the relationship. It was then that he mentioned that he was adding me and my kids to his benefits and I just about died from the feelings of ‘dependency’ on him! I can’t imagine the ‘trepidation’ I would have had if I had been planning a wedding in order to qualify for those benefits at that point in time!

Once I was back on my feet, we started working as a couple at sorting out how we wanted to manage finances, and how we wanted to manage roles with the kids (ie. I am going to continue contracts with these little periods of unemployment). It’s turned out that he is a terrific financial partner who is involved in figuring out everything with me, even planning our wedding. I believe that I just couldn’t see it while I was in the  more ‘dependent’ role that I had four months ago.

If you have the time and energy it might make you feel better to post the things that you do have so that you can feel a little bit of the excitement of being a bride. Not everybody on this site has big poofy dresses, or great big 1ct diamonds, or perfect hair, or perfect flowers…but we rejoice in the things we do have…such as loving partners that care about us and our health ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 10
8576 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You could do like some brides… elope now for the benefits, and have an actual ceremony later.. I’ve known many brides who have done this, including family members. They usually start planning the wedding shortly after they elope in court, usually 5-6 months from that time.

Post # 11
1511 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@fennecfoxgirl:  I can’t say that I’ve been there … I haven’t.

I will say, though, that I hope you’re able to focus on the positives surrounding this upcoming marriage.  You mentioned that you both love one another, and I think a man who is more than willing to help take care of you while you’re very ill is a man worth keeping!  It sounds like he’s very understanding of your situation and genuinely just wants you to get better so he can share a long and healthy life with you.

I understand being nervous … I think that’s only natural for most brides.  I also think the nerves can stem from different sources.  You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling this way.  You’re dealing with a lot of things right now, and it sounds like your nerves are mainly stemming from the fact that you two are rushing the marriage.  Here’s the thing, though … You’ve been together a decent amount of time.  You’ve been living together for a while.  You may not feel 100% like yourself right now, but you essentially know what things will be like once you’re married … I’m a firm believer that living together first really gives you a good idea.  (For the record, my fiance and I have been living together for almost 2 years now.)

I agree with a previous poster who mentioned considering a vow renewal ceremony once you’re well.  That will give you something to look forward to in the future, and maybe prevent you from feeling quite so cheated this time around.  It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but you can do something that’s fun for you and your fiance and maybe get a few great photos to frame.

As for the money thing, this is just something you’ll have to discuss with him.  It’s important to be on the same page when it comes to finances.  Yes, it can cause problems in a relationship, but it causes more problems if you never mention your concerns.  Your fiance sounds like a supportive guy, so I’m sure a mature discussion about finances wouldn’t be out of the question.  You could help create a budget that will work well for your household and decide together how you want to handle money in the future.

For now, though, I’d focus on the positive things surrounding your upcoming marriage and, of course, getting well.  I really hope things work out for you!

Post # 13
3586 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@fennecfoxgirl:  If you were my duaghter who had no funds and no prospect of funds and I had no funds to help you, I’d tell you:

Elope. Get married now for the material benefits.

When you rhealth issue is sorted out, take a good long look at who you married. How is that working, do you want him to ge a father to your children, and if you ever (the two of you) HAVE any assests will he just continue to fritter them away?

Oh by the way, use excellent birth control, do not chance getting pregnant with this man.

But first things first–get  your health issue diagnosed and treated.

But one more one more thing: only marry him if it is clear that he does nto rack up huge amounts of debt. IT is one thing to spend everything that youve got(and I wouldn’t marry into that) but it’s another thing to make a healthy incomae AND STILL spend into debt.

Post # 15
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@fennecfoxgirl:  I’m in a situation similar to yours but in the opposite role–FI is the one who is in need of my health insurance and we are moving up the wedding to get it done earlier. He is also unemployed. We are eloping. And by the way, I am the one who spends money a bit frivolously which drives him nuts. But I know how you feel because I do find it tough not having some of the “traditional” wedding stuff to look forward to and even though I like the bee a lot, I do feel a bit out of place here. 

However, the most important similar thing that we do both share is we have good men who we love, and that is the only thing you really need to get married. 

I hope that you feel better soon and get a good and caring doctor to help with your condition. 

Post # 16
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@fennecfoxgirl:  I don’t know you or your situation aside from what you’ve said here, but based on your post, it sounds like your lack of excitement could have nothing to do with the relationship, and more to do with your health. That has to be incredibly stressful, and I can imagine it would be hard to get excited about a marriage and your future when you are worrying about your health and health insurance. I think if you would be excited to spend your life with your fiance no matter the situation, you should go forward with the marriage to get your health insurance going, knowing that you can have a re-do when you are in better health and in better spirits. Even if you don’t want a big wedding at any point, you can always do a small, intimate vow renewal when you are not as stressed regarding your health. 

That being said, if you are anxious at the prospect of spending your life with this person, then that might take some deeper thinking to decide if moving forward with the wedding is the right thing for you to do. If you are only getting married for health insurance, surely there must be other options, even if they are much more difficult or would require a job change. I know benefits are hard to come by in this economy, but there are employers out there (Trader Joe’s, Starbucks) who have at least partially subsidized options for employees. And paying for health insurance out of pocket can be much less expensive than divorce. 

Good luck with everything, and I hope that you are able to get your health problems sorted out!

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