- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2013
I’ve been reading weddingbee’s boards for the last few weeks, hoping to find some common ground and quell my pre-wedding jitters. I’m still jittery, and I feel so alone in my situation.
I’m getting married the 2nd week of January to a man I’ve been dating for a year and a half (living with for the last 6 months). He proposed in unofficially/casually in early November, and we’ve been “officially” engaged since the beginning of December.
I feel like a very strange bride (it’s weird to even call myself a bride-to-be) amongst women who have been a lot longer getting used to the idea.
We’re rushing the wedding – a courtroom ceremony – because I desperately need health insurance. For the past several months, I’ve been getting steadily sicker and sicker, and basic blood tests aren’t showing anything. I work as a waitress (even with multiple degrees, jobs with benefits are hard to get these days), and without his help, I would not be able to support myself right now.
I’m torn about so many things:
I wouldn’t be getting married right now if I didn’t so desperately need health insurance – though if I was going to marry anyone, my husband-to-be and I have the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.
I worry about long term traits: his lackadaisal approach to money (he makes 5 times what I do, but spends it all and lives paycheck to paycheck), while I budget so I don’t have to worry about bills, even if I have to scrimp on extras.
Mostly I worry about the stuff right now: I never wanted a big wedding – I’m the eloping type – but everything about this wedding makes me sad. I’m sick, and it shows in my body & face. Little things like trying to find a hairstyle for my rapidly thinning hair puts me in a terrible mood, instead of my usual cheerful “I’ll do this my way!” mood. I can’t afford a new dress (department outlet store suits are beyond my funds right now). I’m tired from planning this non-wedding – trying to shop at thrift stores, finding out an alteration to a $6 dress costs $70…it takes days for me to do stuff I could’ve done in an hour or two a year ago. I’m estranged from my family, so I feel rootless. I feel incredibly guilty that I can’t work, though my fiance just wants me to get better. I feel guilty for feeling guilty.
The pros? He loves me. I love him. We – at the very least – communicate pretty well and manage not to fight in the “low blow” sense. (I’ve even talked to him about most of these things, but I think my jitters and sadness stem from wanting my wedding day – however simple – to be memorable.) Our friends and his parents approve 100%, and they know why we’re rushing the date. Once she found out, his mother even offered his great-grandmother’s engagement & wedding ring – he didn’t know it existed! – and it fits me perfectly. Felt serendipitous.
So why the jitters? I’ve been sick for so long, and I don’t feel entirely like myself. It’s a big change from my usual self-reliant, bouncy healthy self. What if we don’t work once I feel better? I worry we haven’t had enough time to really know how we will be in a marriage.
I’m 30 – no shy nervous bride – but wary of making a commitment that could rip apart both us and the people we love by being hasty. I might not have seen myself as the wedding type, but I never foresaw myself being so downright terrified.
In my daydreams, my wedding ceremony isn’t so different from real life – I would get married at the courthouse, but dressed in something pretty and feeling & looking healthy. I feel like being sick is like being blind to the situation. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal.
Ladies – I could really, really benefit from your combined and unbiased thoughts. Have any of you been/are any of you in a similar situation? What does this look like from the outside?