Depressed and struggling with wedding planning

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5758 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

flyingbee7 :  Should I put wedding planning on hold? I feel very disillusioned right now.

This depends on how serious these feelings are right now.  Do you think this could mostly be stress related from planning the wedding?  While planning remind yourself that a wedding is just a big celebration, it is supposed to be the happiest day and getting stressed in the run up is counterproductive.  Stay off pinterest, don’t agonize over decisions, don’t over-research, give yourself a limited amount of options and try to make it fun rather than a chore.  

In terms of your fiance and his free time, I don’t see that changing.  He won’t have more time as a qualified surgeon than he did while studying.  He will be working long hours, his job will be incredibly stressful, he will have ongoing training, work conferences so he can keep up with research and techniques etc. 

If you don’t think that is something you can handle or want to, then you really do need to consider if this is the relationship for you.  Marriage won’t fix any of these problems. 

Post # 3
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

flyingbee7 :  Like PP said, unfortunately he’s not likely to have much more free time than he does now once he becomes a surgeon. I think you need to decide if this is a lifestyle you’ll be happy living for the rest of your life.

Post # 5
Member
5758 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

It will not get any better when he qualifies, for the most past to have a family in careers like the top tiers of medicine, law, or a partner in a business you need to have a spouse that picks up the slack.  The whole reason these fields pay so much is due to the sacrifice that you make in your personal life.

If you have been expecting things to get better after marriage or when you get pregnant, I would seriously consider your next move.  This isn’t a negative of your fiance, it is just how his job goes unfortunately. 

Post # 6
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

flyingbee7 :  Have you been feeling this way for a while or because the stress of wedding planning is getting to you?

If it’s the latter, then putting wedding planning on hold might help. If it’s the former, then you must consider whether you can get used to this lifestyle and be content with how things are. You need to do this soon because you shouldn’t be getting married if you have doubts about your relationship.

Post # 7
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

My dad is a doctor, so I understand what it was like to grow up in a house where he had an extremely important and demanding job. However, my parents had an agreement that while my dad’s day-to-day schedule was insane, he would make dedicated time for us. Because he works shifts, with more seniority, he was able to pick and choose which shifts he wanted in order to be at home more. When I was little, he worked night shifts, and I remember spending the days with him while my mom was at work. So he was very present then.

He also always made sure to take days off where we would all do something together, and scheduled regular vacations from work. I’ve noticed that since the work is so intense, physicians generally take quite a lot of vacations.

I totally get your concern (my partner is actually applying to medical school right now so I’m gearing up for this kind of life). Your partner will probably be more absent than most, which means that communcation is KEY, and you need to talk to him and make a pact that he will prioritize time with you and your future kids whenever possible.

I would also say to have some patience, because his resident training years will be the worst. He’s he’s still learning, and often residents get stuck with the worst hours or get put on call when the attending physicians want to leave. He’ll still be very busy once he finishes his training but he’ll have more flexibility.

Post # 8
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

beginningless :  She said above that he’s already done foundation years that followed his medical degree, and he’s doing speciality training as a surgeon, so is that the same as residency? 

Post # 9
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

flyingbee7 :  Are you in the UK by any chance? The qualification route you describe is exactly what we have here. My cousin is a junior doctor and perpetually stressed and overworked, but she expects things to get somewhat better over the years.

Post # 10
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

chocco :  I assumed she meant rotations. If he still has a few years to go he could either still be in residency or fellowship. I’m sure the lingo differs depending on the country, but either way my comment still applies 🙂 

Post # 11
Member
2099 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I sympathize. Beyond wedding planning (I think, unfortunately, that you will have to take the majority of the hit there. When we were wedding planning, my fiance was going through a very demanding case at work (he is an attorney) and, though he helped whenever he could, I did a lot of the work myself), I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk about your dual expectations in the marriage, what is possible, and what your vision of your life together is. If your vision is regular vacations and date nights and his is you holding down the fort and him getting occassional time to spend with you, you should resovle that and try to get on the same page before you get married. Some people are fine with seeing their spouse less frequently (a friend of mine thrives on the essential long distance relationship with her husband — he travels constantly and for long periods for work — even though they have a young childand she has a demanding career herself. I would not be). Good luck, Bee.

Post # 13
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

beginningless :  Yes I was wondering if both were the same but just different terms being used 🙂

Post # 14
Member
6883 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Are there any sort of networking events or opportunties he has with established peers? I wonder if it might help you to chat with their wives and see what their life entails, and see if that’s something you can handle. You’ve been having these doubts for 2 years, but maybe it gets easier once XYZ happens. Maybe it gets harder. Maybe they are able to balance the lifestyle by doing something in particular. I just think it would be good to get a perspective from someone who’s lived that already. 

Post # 15
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

If you have a 9 to 5 job and he has long hours due to training, could you take up something like evening lessons or classes to have something new to do so that you’re not missing him with all the extra hours you have at home compared to him? If you’re struggling only because of wedding planning, could you ask your family or friends to support you with it?

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