Depressed and struggling with wedding planning

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
3525 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

This is something you and your fiance need to take very seriously and make a game plan for how to handle going forward.

The reality is that even when he is done his training, he is in a very demanding career and that’s just the facts. You will need to find a way to work with that reality to carve out quality time as a couple and eventually as a family, and to ensure that you feel supported as a spouse and mother even if he isn’t able to dedicate as much time or energy on a daily basis as you are. 

Be realistic. Be open and honest. And most of all, be respectful of one another. 

Don’t enter into marriage hoping for the best and hoping you’ll just figure it out as you go along. And definitely do not enter into parenthood hoping the same. When the burden of child rearing falls disproportionately on one partner it has a tendency to create a lot of resentment and the children pick up on that. There are ways to manage this reality without letting that happen but communication, honesty and accepting of reality are key. And from your partners side, he needs to be extremely conscious of ensuring that he behaves in ways that do not cause you to feel dismissed, taken for granted or devalued. 

Post # 17
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

If you are both struggling with emotions and wedding planning, and if you’ve not yet done most bookings (although even then you might need to reconsider), can you postpone the wedding? You need time and shouldn’t marry before you’ve had time to reflect.

Post # 18
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

sboom :  I believe she said he tries but the amount of time he can make for her isn’t enough.

Post # 19
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

You knew what his life was like going into the relationship. It would be unwise and naive to believe that he will somehow have significantly more time for you after he qualifies. If he’s a workaholic, which many people who work in medicine tend to be, then the chances are you will have to do most of the housework, care for the children and spend hours without him at home. The quality time that you have together is probably always going to be much less than what a man in a less demanding career would be able to give you. If you’d rather have a man who’s able to offer you that and if you’ll start resenting your partner if he can’t give you more time over the years, you must reconsider this marriage. You’ve still got some time and you need to think long and hard.

Post # 20
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee

Workaholics don’t stop being workaholics. If he’s a true workaholic, when his residency and training is done, he will be trying to fill his time with some other project. My husband is the same way and cannot sit idle. It means that I do the majority of the raising of our kids and the home front stuff, and it means I run his errands when my 9-5 is done. We rarely vacation, and we rarely get alone time. 90% of the time I don’t see him longer than to give him a kiss or two, or a long squeeze/hug, until he’s coming to bed. Dinner is often eaten between projects, and then he’s off again. It is the reality of driven men. It can get very frustrating, and I’ll have to stomp my feet sometimes, and we carve out a date day. But it’s not spontaneous, and you have to be flexible. 

Take a breather from wedding planning and really think about what is the minimum time commitment you need from your partner to maintain your relationship. Discuss these expectations with him and determine if these are expectations that can be met. If they’re not, then it’s up to you to decide if you continue with planning or not.

But life is not going to get easier, so you are 100% right to be concerned for how it will be in the future when you’re adding the bustle of family. 

Post # 21
Member
11112 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

flyingbee7 :  

I wanted to thrown in a comment about your fiance’ chosen specialty.  One thing I learned years ago, the hard way, is that no one calls in the neurosurgeon unless things are really, really bad.

He will, at times, save lives, of course.  But, it is one hell of a grim field.  

I have no wish to influence you one way or another.  And gawd knows, the world needs skilled neurosurgeons.  But, it may be worth looking into what the life of a neurosurgeon is all about.

Maybe this is something you could talk about.  Find out what he has observed and ask him what kind of support he will want and expect from you. 

Post # 25
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

What kind of work do you do? If it’s something less stressful and completley unrelated to the medical field, then maybe you have trouble relating to him and his experiences.

Post # 27
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

flyingbee7 :  Maybe he’s not discussing his training with you because you are already not happy with the current situation of having not much time with him. I don’t know if you are resentful but he probably picked up on your feelings about the fact that he is not able to give you what you want.

Post # 28
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

Have you discussed these feelings with your fiance? Three months before the wedding, if you don’t feel prepared to marry him and need more time to determine whether you can adjust to the lifestyle you expect to have, you should strongly consider postponing the wedding.

Your struggles with wedding planning are a symptom of the anxiety you are feeling. Don’t rush into marriage when you are not ready for what you envision your future life to be like.

Post # 29
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

How much time do you spend together each week and how much time would you ideally want to spend with him? You have to look at whether your expectations could match what he can give you. If you think it’s something that he would realistically be able to do, then talk to him. Otherwise postpone the wedding and rethink whether your relationship is sustainable.

Post # 30
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Detroit, MI

 

Two weeks after getting engaged, my best friend and her two children died in a house fire. They were 23, 4 and 1. I was devastataed and struggled to begin wedding planning. I didn’t want to wait too long to marry my fiancé which meant I needed to start planning. Imagining a wedding without my best friend in it sent me into a fit of tears. A bride needs her girls by her side. 

That being said, any depressive state- caused by grief, trauma, everyday life- is hard to handle especially with the stress of wedding planning added on. However, this was an opportunity to find the people in my life that helped give me strength. I leaned on my parents, sister and fiancé more than I had in quite awhile. 

Now, 10 months later, I am officially 7 days away from our wedding. Thinking about the loss of their lives brings tears to my eyes and that pain will never go away, but when I think of marrying the best man that I’ve ever met, the pain softens and I am filled with love and strength. 

I hope this helps you to find your inner strength. 

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